I (31F) have been married to my husband “John” (30M) for two years. We talked about having kids throughout our dating and engagement and always seemed to be on the same page that we wanted to start having kids once we’d been married about a year. While we were dating, John would say things to me like “you’re going to be such a good mom” or “when we have kids, I want to do xyz one day”. We made so many choices in preparation for starting a family- we chose a 4 bedroom house last year when we were ready to buy; when he had to get a new car he told everyone he chose that particular one because it had a larger backseat to put car seats in someday; I chose a job with a school schedule so one day I could be off work more… it always was a direction we were headed.
A year ago, around the time we had initially said we wanted to start “trying”, I stopped taking birth control and starting taking prenatal vitamins (which I told him about), but we both decided we wanted to wait a few more months to feel more settled in the new house and for me to feel more settled in my newer job. That turned into a few more months, but he continued to tell his friends and family “soon” when they asked when we were having kids. Most of his close friends and his brother all have young children, and he is amazing with them.
One day this past August when I brought up the baby conversation again, John said that we could start trying. He seemed nervous but also excited- he was sharing gender reveal idea videos with me and we were talking about potential names. I was so full of joy. Fast forward one week- John dropped a bomb on me that he no longer was ready to have kids, and he wasn’t sure that he wanted kids at all anymore. He said I bullied him into it and that there wasn’t a particular reason he didn’t want to have kids except that he simply didn’t want to. This was devastating for me to hear. It’s been about 5 months since, and he sometimes will say that he does “someday” want kids and other times will say that he might not ever want them.
I’ve become depressed and anxious about the ticking biological clock. I cry every day. I don’t feel the same love for him that I did before and I’ve started to resent him. I’ve tried to talk to him to understand where he’s coming from, because to me it seems like he just got cold feet and he is anxious and fearful about it becoming a reality- but he refuses to talk to me (or anyone else). If I’m upset he will not comfort me. He generally acts like everything is completely fine even when I’ve told him how upset I am over this. I’ve showed him fertility and age charts and the risks of pregnancy rising after 35 and literally begged him. I’ve spoken to a marriage counselor and tried to resolve my brokenness on my own, which did not help me. John refuses to go to marriage counseling or speak to anybody. I’m so hurt inside and I feel like he either lied to me about his intentions to have children to get me to marry him or that he is being completely unfair to not even acknowledge how this could make me so upset. I’m so fearful that if I continue in this marriage in 2-3 years that he will still be saying he doesn’t want kids and it’ll become too difficult for me to become pregnant and have the 2-3 children I always envisioned I’d have. I’m not in a place financially that I can freeze my eggs or that IVF would ever realistically be an option. I feel I’m being robbed of my desire to have children and yet at the same time I’m not able to just throw away our whole relationship because I feel like even if I started over today, I’d never fall in love and marry another person in time to have a family.
I feel stuck and don’t know what else to do next. I don’t know how to get into his brain to understand what’s going on. He’s a huge procrastinator and a huge avoider, so I know that’s playing into this. Advice??