Hello.
Disclaimer – English is not my native language, so I apologize for any mistakes in advance 🙂
Me and my boyfriend have been dating for 6 month.
He is chronically depressed, in therapy and even taking some time from work to take care of his mental health at the moment.
All has been going well, it is a very nice and loving relationship, and I was able to handle his depression well until some time ago.
A month ago I started having serious problems with my health as well.
I had a lower back trauma, and there’s a ruptured hernia in my spine now. I couldn’t move for a week and was in constant pain, briefly stayed at the hospital, and now I am going through some very painful treatment.
Of course, I am not very cheerful at the moment. I really need my boyfriend to get it together at least for some time and care for me during the most acute episodes.
He is not handling it well. He was trying in the beginning and he had helped me on many occasions, but now he also run into some health problems on top of his mental problems, and he is not there for me anymore.
We have good times on my good days, when my back is manageable, but when I am in pain or just sad, he is distancing himself.
I talked to him about that on his good days. He understands I feel lonely and uncared for. He admits I don’t deserve it.
But when I am having a bad day, I am still usually alone with all the pain. And with all the sadness.
I was telling myself – ok, we have to get through this rough patch, we are two sick people, of course it is tough.
But despite the pain I manage to scrape support and care for him when he needs it. It would break my heart not to be there for him.
Last week it evolved further. Now when I’m sad or in a bad place, he tells me how my words and condition worry him and how his mind spirals because of it and he feels useless, depressed and close to the panic attack. He practically shuts me up.
It went to a point when I was comforting him being freshly after the treatment and in 7/10 pain. It felt wrong, I felt so sorry for myself.
I feel trapped in this situation. There is definitely a lot of (sub)conscious manipulation from his side. Maybe from mine as well. I guess we are both emotional vampires now.
I believe we are a great match in general. I love him. I know he loves me.
I would appreciate if you wouldn’t suggest breaking up with him, I am not really willing to do that.
Recovering from my back injury is a long journey, recovering from depression is just as long as well.
But I can’t go on like that as well, I feel resentment is starting to build up in me.
I know I am not the only one in this situation, so I would appreciate any advice, tips and tricks.
What would make me feel better in this situation? What had worked for you, if you had any of the relatable experiences?
TL;DR
My[32F] depressed boyfriend[36M] can’t take care of me in my bad days, I feel a growing resentment despite me loving him.