Longest story short possible: I \[F30\] recently started being “involved” with my best guy friend \[M31\] from college who I’ve known for 12 years. We never have gone more than a few weeks without texting over a decade, we have a lot of shared hobbies and interests and see the world very similarly, and the physical attraction piece was there, but we never were single at the same time, until now. The issue is we live 1200 miles apart (he lives in the state I’ve been plotting to move to for awhile). Anyways, I was out there a month ago, we went on a date, and instead of it being a joke…We really hit it off, he ended up convincing me to extend my plane ticket (so I spent $300 on a new one, just to be able to stay an extra day with him) and it’s been like nothing I’ve ever felt in my entire life.
The issue? His last relationship ended last summer, when his girlfriend of 1.5 years abruptly up and moved to florida. She took her 6 year old child (not his, a previous marriage) who he loves and was very close to. He hasn’t dated since, until the day I showed up in town. He had to tell the ex (who he communicates because of the relationship he has maintained with her child who’s never known another father), and it triggered a shit storm of feelings, mess, etc. **He’s currently in this spot where he quote “doesn’t want to get back together with her” but also “wants to figure this out with me, take it slow, it could be something really special and last a lifetime, but he thought he was going to be single before I came in the picture, blah blah blah.”**
I feel like I’ve been patient, and we’ve been doing this for almost a month. I have no desire to see anyone else, or install the apps (I despise them). I also have a very intense job. **This could be something incredible, but I need to see I matter. I have since been back to see him once for a weekend. My hope was he would see me the next time. Due to our busy schedules, there’s literally only ONE weekend that works for both of us until August for him to come out here, and that weekend happens to be** ***memorial day weekend.***
**Plane tickets are outrageous, we’re talking $600+. I have $275 in flight credits, all of which I was willing to let him use. Yesterday, I had to make the difficult decision to finally put my 14 year old dog to sleep.** I’ve had her since I was 17, so this dog has been a major part of my life. I called him after and told him (he knew it was coming, but still). H**e surprised me by in the afternoon telling me he was looking at plane tickets for memorial day weekend**. I gave him my log in info so he could use all my flight credits, please use them. I make more money right now than him, and it’s expensive–I just wanted to see him and know I mattered to him too. I don’t expect this to be 50/50
**….Imagine my surprise when he calls me last night, to tell me he’s not coming.** Quote “it’s partially money but also I for some reason feel a lot of pressure and just feel like I shouldn’t that weekend. I need to do x y and z. I do still want to come see you though, in the future. And I want to keep making memories with you. And whether that’s I see you in 2 weeks or don’t see you for 3 months.” I asked if he wants me to back off, he panicked and goes, “No I love our texts and calls. I look forward to talking to you every day and sharing my day with you.” I was disappointed obviously last night, but today I’m angry. ***He called me literally on the day I lost my dog, to tell me even after I offered him $275 in flight credits, that he doesn’t want to come see me. But doesn’t want me to tap out either.***
**I have plane tickets there to see him for a couple days in early June, and was planning to come through on a roadtrip in july as well. I’m sitting here thinking–Should I just cancel the plane tickets for June? What do I do in this situation?** I do feel like if he knew how dangerously close he is to me walking out of his life for good, he would figure his shit out sooner. I also feel like if I MATTERED, he wouldn’t be doing this. I’m at a loss and need advice.
TL,DR; Best guy friend and I went on a date and it’s turned into seeing each other. No commitment. I’ve put in all the work and he’s done nothing. He’s a great guy and not like anyone else i’ve ever known, so I’ve been tolerant of things I wouldn’t from a random dating stranger. He decided to call me on the day my senior dog died, to tell me he won’t be flying in to visit me on the one weekend that mutually works for the foreseeable future. Do I cut him off?
4 comments
Did you ask him if it had something to do with his ex and her kid? That’s where my money is.
Aside from that, he just got out of a relationship. He needs to work through that stuff. But I wouldn’t be running to visit all the time and doing the work for him. He’s got to figure out if he really wants you or if this a rebound with someone that’s familiar and a sure thing.
Keep talking, plan for *him*’to come to you in August. And unless this woman was a total flake, you don’t just rip your kid away from their home and father figure for no reason. There’s something more to that story.
I don’t think you should go see him in June unless he makes *solid* plans to come see you as well. You don’t want to set up a dynamic where you’re always going to see him, putting in more effort, etc. Maybe there’s a kind way you can convey that to him, that you don’t want to cancel June to be spiteful and you do want to keep talking and see where this takes you both, but you need to protect yourself and your heart as well.
As for his ex … Idk, it gives me weird vibes. They broke up last summer, so it’s been almost a year. They were in a relationship for a year and a half, which isn’t nothing but it’s not that long either. At some point soon they’ll have been broken up for as long as they were together. At what point does one move on? I get that he feels responsibility for the kid, but it’s actually the mom’s responsibility to find appropriate male role models for her child and they don’t need to be current or ex romantic partners of hers.
My guess is his feelings are still tangled up over his ex. He wanted to do something nice for you after your dog died but then he started to get all panicky about it and changed his mind. I understand the decision point anxiety because I get it all the time, so I sympathize with him, but I don’t think he’s being fair to you if he lets you keep doing all the work. Keep talking but slow down the visits until he’s willing to take a turn.
This is a Long Distance Relationship (LDR)
until you 2 are together in the same room … cuddling
too many other things will interrupt.
It is not viable now.
Step it up or step it down
Wish you luck and remember
you like him more than he likes you
(oh shucks}
Don’t see him in June. No more care packages for him in the present circumstances. Pull back a bit—no more daily messages/conversations. Let him figure it out. In the meanwhile, heal. Move on. Don’t make it so easy for him. I am so sorry about your dog. That is so hard.