Hi r/relationships!
TL;DR: young relationship, gf wants to sleep separately. I empathize because of sleeping habits she didn’t choose, but can’t find myself to agree because it flies against what I thought would be a given for a relationship. I’m having trouble accepting this. What to do?
My girlfriend [32F] and I [30M] have been together for about eight months now, with the intention of marrying in another year or so.
We’ve been somewhat mild-distance due to our work situation until now: we live separately, about an hour and a half away from each other. We see each other three times a week, sometimes four, where either of us (mostly me) will make the drive.
The relationship has been going great so far: we have similar goals and values, we work things out, and we communicate well. Generally, it’s a really good time.
Here’s the problem.
Up until recently, we’ve rarely slept overnight together due to our work situations, except for a few road-trips. Now our work situation is about to change, and we’re looking for a place together, she tells me that she wants to sleep (physically) separately.
She says she’s more than happy to cuddle, have sex, take naps together, but she needs to sleep separately because she’s an unusually light sleeper who will wake at the drop of a feather, or even if there’s a presence nearby. She also wants her own space (her words). How did she do it this whole time then, you may ask. For one-off nights, she’s just soldiered on through the rough sleep, and for her past relationships, they’ve either never physically slept together long-term, or they simply gave in to her request.
Of course, I’ve been thinking about it and did some reading. Couples who sleep separately may have healthier relationships, elderly couples may experience health benefits, and so on. Personally, I think the research is dubious, but let’s just assume it’s true.
Despite these “benefits”, I’m still not (emotionally) convinced I can agree.I’m trying to see this from her perspective. You’re naturally a light sleeper (it’s not like you chose to be one), and without good sleep, you won’t be able to function – that’s all well and good. But to me, sleeping together is one of the most central hallmarks of a relationship. Otherwise, it’s like having a glorified roommate. I don’t want to have to constantly and explicitly ask permission to enter her space (her room) for every little thing, or or have to get up and leave after cuddling or sex (or she leaves).
There’s also the question of how will this arrangement work with a baby in the picture as well as the financials and logistics of looking for more rooms, but I guess that’s off-topic for now.
She’s not coming from a position of malice, and I totally understand her perspective. I’d probably ask the same if I couldn’t handle sleeping together either. I don’t deny her logic at all. Even though I logically acknowledge that taking care of each other’s sleeping needs takes precedence over traditionally held notions of a relationship, I emotionally think it’s antithetical to what you’d think an ideal relationship would be like. I just think there’s a mental barrier and emotional distance that isn’t there if you’re sharing a bed.
My love language is almost entirely physical touch, whereas she can go without touching her partner for months at a time (if push came to shove). Her love language is words of affirmation. She says she’s willing to sleep together a couple days out of the week, but the majority has to be separate. I asked if we could try a bigger bed or one with different softness controls, but she said she can feel if anyone moves a hair at the far side of the bed, which will wake her. She will also toss and turn, and if she strikes anyone or any thing, she’ll wake.
It’s not like we’re in our elderly years where we can draw on a healthy bank of shared memories and goodwill (and health reasons) to smoothen the decision, we’re just eight months together. I’m not sure if sleeping apart from the get-go is going to create resentment and a lack of closeness in the future.
We both like thinking of positive, constructive solutions to problems before throwing in the towel for anything, so I’m turning to Reddit. Am I crazy here? Did I overlook anything? Is there anything else that can be said to add to my perspective? What else can be done?
Thanks in advance!