Hi! I (20F) am finding it very difficult to get myself romantically involved with people.
My perception of love is messed up due to childhood traumas , as if I’m only appreciative of love when its an “ apology” for toxic behavior and I am only getting attached to people when they show me that they do not want me or manipulate me into believing that they love me but im not worthy of a relationship
I’v been seeing a guy recently ; attractive , respects me , has a good career and a bright future ahead of him , basically everything i ever want in a person on paper but I’m struggling to feel feelings for him and I only feel a spark when we’re sexual with each other. I feel that he is already developing feelings for me and I’m wasteing his time because I’m not sure if I’ll ever feel romantic love for him. I already love him a lot as a friend and I’ve never met a person I clicked so well with and feel so comfortable with this fast but my mind keeps feeding me bad things about this connection. I’m getting the “ick” over very small things that I usually dont really care about and than feeling immensely guilty that i thought this about him because as I mentioned before , he’s exactly what i look for when it comes to relationships. I feel like a bad person and like my mind is trying to make mr push him away while my heart is begging for his love.
I keep thinking and comparing him to my “ex”. The person that made me think I’m not good enough to be with him and I admit , I have not moved on from that “ relationship”but when it came to my ex , he was the only person i could look across a room and see him brighter than everyone else . I think my ex was the first person i actually loved and it’s getting tiring that with all the people i’ve dated in the 3 years after , i have never met something similar. I cycle from wanting that person back to hating him for what he did every 5 mins
I dont know what to do. From one aspect , i wish to explore my current dating situation further , in hopes that one day i develop feelings and i’ll have a great guy by my side but i’m scared that this might not happen and I’ll end up hurting him which is what i fear most . He doesnt deserve it , he doesnt deserve me at all.. what would you do in my situation ?