I’m turning 22 soon with a well paying job that I’m certain I got just as a diversity hire.
Since I started working I feel like I lose my mind at the office. So much running thoughts can’t even focus on work.
And I don’t bother socially either.
I know how corny/cringy it is to say it but I wish I can kill myself.
I don’t want to see myself get old when my life already is just bouncing between substance and mental tirades/tantrums in my head and holes on my wall.
On the outside that people see I consider myself as very soft spoken and awkward. I hate that outside me.
There’s nothing for me to live for here. I don’t care about my job, I’ve been despising family for years and I know there’s no one I can love.
It’s like this nagging criticism in my head and that’s why I’ll never feel like me and my family deserve to get anywhere.
Goddamn I wish I had the balls to kill my self and wasn’t so pussy with physicality.
Some people deserve to have things and others don’t.
I’m probably the only 21 year old screaming in my head hoping to get a heart attack from my rage at times.
Such a goddamn stupid life. Goddamn stupid life and nothing words.
The people at my job already experienced life, they’re there for their family. People they care about.
I’m not smart I really got in there by happenstance, I haven’t friends probably since 2018, and I hate how my own Hispanic features look like.
Always with that culture I felt opposition and I know if I was white my personality and interests would align better.
What a goddamn loser at this fucking age. Goddamn fucking loser and I’d give this job up to someone deserving in a heart beat.
How many more days it’s gonna take for me to do it if my whole existence is this self misery and anger?
I have to take my own life. Everything continues on as normal at the end of the day.
Damn and the gall I had to think something would come out of this life.
Goddamnit I hate how long this went for. Like my life never should’ve continued this far.