Essentially have absolutely zero experience sexually or relationship wise. Never held hands, kissed or anything beyond a hug. Lately, it has really been causing a great deal of distress, hearing stories from friends, watching them getting married etc. Whilst I can’t even fathom the situation.
I can’t help but feel I’m now stuck in a loop where no woman will want to be with me, because of my inexperience. I’ve tried putting myself out there, but I feel like my inexperience is very apparent socially etc. Which seems to sabotage my attempts.
I just don’t really know what to do anymore. I’ve tried the apps, which is like trying to extract juice from a rock. Tried meeting people, but they all seem to be partnered. For added detail I’m 6ft and physically fit as I’ve been training for 15 years. Good hygiene, try to dress well etc.
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If you ask women for advice regarding this many of them will tell you to go on dates and be honest about being a virgin. “The right one won’t mind.”
Yeah, don’t do that. It’s theoretically possible to meet someone like that, sure, but the chances are infinitesimally small.
Do research online about how to orally pleasure a woman (there’s a really good video I can’t remember the name of, someone will probably link it). You won’t be good, won’t last long or might not even come at all during your first time, but as long as she’s satisfied at the end of it it’ll be a success for you as a whole and she won’t mind.
Go on dates. Your inexperience with dating will decrease the more you go on dates. A small amount of alcohol often helps with the nerves and courage, but don’t drink too much. Don’t directly lie to the women you’ll meet, but for fucks sake don’t announce your virginity either, that’d just ensure that you remain a virgin. If the topic comes up just say that you’ve been focusing on yourself and your work, thus no past relationships, but you want to change that. And **if** she asks say that it’s been a really long time since you last had sex, done.
Second option: Go to a prostitute, get it over with.
Lower your bar significantly and you’ll get dates.
We need to know and and understand more about the situation. Are you in an urban, suburban or rural environment? What does your occupational and living situation look like? What is your general approach and social/cultural expectations?
Therapy. You need therapy if you’re at that age and can’t fathom a romantic relationship with a peer. No shame at all in it, and it’ll most likely help you immensely.
Honestly I feel like you are missing some key details.
You say you are in your 30’s, a home owner, 6ft, and fit.
You sound like a catch, but clearly you are not, is there some key details you are not staying? Maybe things you are so insecure about you do not want to mention?
Are you more interested in getting laid or finding a partner? Because those are two very different things.
If you’re looking for a partner, forget about the sex. That will come naturally but look for qualities in a person that you value and share. Obviously looks have a part to play but don’t dismiss people based on a profile picture on a dating app if everything else meets the bar.
If you’re looking for sex and that’s all that matters then don’t worry about who you do it with, get it done and move on. You’ll realise eventually that it matters more who you do it with.
Final question, you’ve been training 15 years, how often/long do you spend in the gym? It’s a great quality to have for sure, and a great habit, but most women that I’ve known expect to be able to spend time with their partners. Obviously it would/should never be expected that you just drop it and spend every waking moment with them, but a partner would expect to become one of your top priorities. Just something to think about.
What are your platonic relationships like? It’s a useful exercise to wonder about that. You’ve explained how you can’t connect to people, how *can* you? When you try take an objective look, what’s your deal? Without judgement or criticism, just how are you moving through relational life?
The most robust academic insight into adult relationships stems from [attachment theory](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attachment_theory). Attachment theory describes *infant* relational behaviours, however it’s understood these are the foundation for our adult behaviours.
Attachment is something that’s better understood from the inside, rather than to have explained from the outside. Because you know far more about your life’s progress than you’ll ever be able to communicate. If you can understand your start, how that progressed, where you’re at now, then you’ll be maximising your ability to have the relationships you want going forward.
A therapist or clinically led discussion groups go a long way too, if you have those resources available.
Consider stoicism as well. It’s easier to get what you want when you’re doing fine without it.
you know what needs to happen – cultivate your social life. stop thinking about goals for a year or two and focus on having a good time instead. how you achieve that depends on factors such as whether you’re in a city, there’s lots of relevant advice on this website
I spent years as a wedding photographer and have heard all kinds of couple origin stories. You want to find a girlfriend, either get on a dating app or join a club. There’s somebody out there for everyone.
Honestly? The lowest hanging fruit is that you’re either not meeting women who have overlap with you, you’re dead boring, or you’re shit at conversation.
Take some self inventory and figure out which it is. Then go read *Models* by Mark Manson
As for the top comment about lowering the bar, don’t. But be aware that you shouldn’t expect women to either. If you’re dull, uninteresting, uneducated, unfunny or some other dealbreaker, they likely won’t talk to you.
Also dating apps only work well as a man when you pay for features like boost. Accept that reality and then use them.
Have you traveled?
At home I’m a dime a dozen, overseas I’m an exotic specimen. Location location location.
Pay for it. Straight up. Get some practice with some GFE. It’s expensive, but not much more expensive than an actual date, if you think about it.
Hire an escort. Get it over with so you can understand that sex isn’t that big a deal. You will worry less about your lack of experience and have more confidence if you just make it happen one way or another.
when you described positive qualities about you, you just stated 2 physical attributes (being fit and being 6ft) and one of them you were born in and didn’t have to put effort to achieve, looks like you are valuing your image more than your interior, and it shows, physical attraction matters sure, but that last for 15 min if you have zero to offer on the inside, work on yourself on the inside, go to therapy, be a good human being, be vulnerable, and you will get there
I will echo some of the other sentiments here about broadening your social circles via clubs/sports. The simple answer is if you aren’t throwing yourself into a lot of interactions with other people then you won’t suddenly meet those potential partners in a way that could cultivate something more.
I met my late wife online dating and honestly I think I got really lucky as hell there. But I met my current GF at my martial arts gym where she already knew a chunk about me because she’d been in classes I’d taught.
Do your research and get a good escort. One who offers ‘GFE’ and let her know your situation. Once you “do it”, you’ll get that monkey off your back and it’ll be easier.
You’re going to run into a lot of issues thanks to no experience and putting pressure on yourself.
Honestly if you’re fit, employed and have good Hygiene you should be having Zero issues.
Sorry to say this, if youre actively meeting people, either you’re expecting to shoot way above your league, or your personality is lacking at a level where people get turned off from you in the first conversion.
How are you failing at dating apps if you’re 6 foot, dressed well and have good hygiene?
Do you have a bad personality or are your standards too high?
Suggest you just hire a professional to remove your virginity (and maybe a few times after that for some practice) because the main thing is you want that monkey off your back so you don’t have to worry about it. The professional may not kiss though.
Do you come off nervous when you date? Maybe a beta blocker might be able to get you through it easier? I know you don’t drink or smoke, but if you’re giving off anxious energy when you’re dating, that might be a turn off. I imagine that once you get to the second date, a lot of the anxiety will start melting away. There’s no need to disclose your situation immediately. Let her get to know you and let things happen naturally.
how would you rate your social skills? And from there how would you rate your dating skills?
If you have a good foundation of communication and connecting with people then it seems you just need to hit up some bars and just gain experience and confidence.
If you have okay communication skills and bad ‘game’ then you need to work on that.