I’ve been using them for quite some time, but now I’ve recently realized that I’m much happier being off them. When I started using them, there was pretty much just OKC. The experience was okay, but what made it okay was that I could at least set a profile and it was up to me or other users to establish contact. This meant we were reading each other’s profiles and could decide if it was worth meeting. I was inexperienced though and I overly relied on looking for people with common interests. I think a lot of people did this.
Then came apps on smartphones that were swipe based which changed everything. Instead of self-curating, apps started using algorithms to show you profiles and it all came down to photos rather than content on our profiles. Then other sites started following suit since there was a lot of money to be made following this model.
In the meantime and after some relationships with people I’ve met, I’ve learned a lot about myself which turned me off from apps. The primary one being that, like with friendships or any other important relationships in my life, romantic relationships and attraction beyond physical attraction take time to build. OLD feels way too rushed in contrast to the kinds of platonic and romantic relationships built offline.
OLD was conditioning me to think of it almost like love at first sight(fireworks, sparks, chemistry, etc.) with a complete stranger during an initial interaction. Those chemical cocktails would start going off in my brain and would make me confuse it with connection. I’m sure others would agree with this too. The people who were passing that first interaction were those who were naturally just charming or knew how to impress people which I realized had no bearing on having a relationship. For other people, I’m sure it can also lead to poor decision making during the moment. When it’s combined with the fear of missing out and the paradox of choice swipe element, it was leading me to burn out and overlook a lot of good people.
The other thing I learned is that I focused way too much on compatibility of interest. I was looking for someone similar to me in terms of interests. Instead, I realized that having important fundamental outlooks is way more important. And going back to my first realization, those outlooks aren’t things that are immediately obvious which goes back to me overlooking people who probably could have been good matches for me. They only become obvious after getting to know someone after a while. To give an example, expressing gratitude is important for me, but it’s something I can only observe after knowing someone for a while. It can also cause me to view someone more attractively if I notice they have this quality. This again is why I’ve realized I’d rather get to know someone over time in a non-dating context.
Third, and this is something maybe a handful here might relate to, but I remember reading about race and OLD statistics a while ago and how people of color are often seen as less desirable. As someone who is a PoC, I would think about this when using an app. It’s one thing to be rejected because of your profile or pictures, but it’s another when someone only sees your ethnicity as the basis for rejection. To add to this, when you find someone, you also have to vet to see if they care about your lived experiences. Obviously, this all happens offline too and I know people who have mentioned how they only would date someone who is white, but most social contexts in real life don’t involve dating so a lot of mental energy isn’t given to it.
I haven’t deleted my profile, but I think for the meantime I’m going to focus on other things. I’m finding that spending my evenings or weeknights with my friends or hobbies has been way more enjoyable than any of the OLDs I’ve had. If I meet someone great, but I’m not doing it with the intention of trying to date people.
Anyone else in the same boat?
27 comments
If you’re feeling stress or overloaded with online dating then take a break. Focus on other things and try new things as well. This is so during the time you’re away from the apps or sites, new people will join … people who are already there will leave .. people who are already there might’ve change whatever they are looking for .. the algorithm might be more efficient and the list goes on if you decide to go back.
I’ve gone the opposite direction. Always wanted to find a partner “in the wild” but I only end up meeting a few people a year I’m interested in that way. Furthermore, I have a dealbreaker that eliminates most of the dating pool so it helps to be able to use an app to filter for people who are on the same page. I’ve used apps before but didn’t take them very seriously and didn’t end up meeting many people because the whole thing felt forced. I’m trying to take it more seriously and seeing someone that things hopefully work out with.
Dating is illusion 😊
This was a good read and I agree with most if not all of your analysis. You articulated a lot of how I have come to feel about OLD and why I’ve more or less given up on it.
It’s a good way to boost confidence during slow weeks. But the attitude there is bad. No one’s really looking to settle despite what they say. It’s more so for hook ups.
I agree with most of your post. Particularly the over reliance on shared interests which is something I’ve commented on before and strongly feel is not important. Additionally, the partners I’ve most connected with all began as offline relationships. And lastly and most importantly to me, I’d love to get rid of my smartphone. OLD is one of only three reasons I still have one so that’s a major strike against the apps. Once my hinge+ subscription is over I’m off it.
Never tried it. I mostly hear horror stories and have not been impressed with the relationships I have seen come out of it. But the real reason is that I can’t think of anything less romantic than a dating app. I’d rather go on two dates a year with people I meet through life than suck the romance out of dating like that. To each their own.
I think dating apps/online dating are good tools to meet people to date. Ultimately, they are just another convenient place to meet people — people you would never meet otherwise. Nothing prevents you from only using them passively (my approach). The problem lies mainly with the users and the OLD culture that arose, rather than the apps themselves. People multi-dating, chasing instant connection/chemistry/sparks, ghosting, breadcrumbing, *etc*.
I do have a gripe against the swipe model, however. The apps are designed to bring in revenue and not to facilitate good romantic connections. If they were serious about facilitating connections, they wouldn’t pre-select profiles to show you and would let you browse all profiles. You could filter profiles by more meaningful attributes: interests, values, etc. The pre-Match version of OKCupid was very good!
Great insight.. agreeable. But there’s no other alternative IMO.
This perfectly encapsulates most of my feelings about OLD. I’ve come to realize that one of the reasons OLD has never really worked for me is because it feels rushed. It seems like everyone is looking for that instant spark/chemistry, which is very unlikely for me to feel on a first or second date. Even after three or four dates, I’m still not sure about someone. I mean, at that point, we’re still mostly strangers. Romantic attraction is something that takes time to build for me, as I get to know someone.
Everyone I’ve ever actually dated came from an IRL connection. They were either already friends or an acquaintance I would see from time to time.
I will slightly disagree on the over reliance on shared interests or hobbies. I don’t think I over rely on those. In fact, I just dated someone for almost three months with whom I shared very few interests. Although that just confirmed that I need someone who does share at least a few with me. We don’t have to match up on every interest, just a few. For instance, if they share my interest in outdoorsy stuff but aren’t interested in bowling or trivia, I think that would be fine. If we have no interests or hobbies in common, I’m not sure that would work for me. I would possibly be ok with it if they’re at least willing to try out the things I enjoy, and I would do the same.
I want a date, OLD has people that want a date……seems nice enough to me. Trying to meet someone organically is way more of a crap shoot, whereas with OLD you know the people on there are single and looking to mingle.
For me personally, since I work from home and don’t drink, I just don’t find myself in a lot of situations where I’d meet single people my age, and even when I do, trying to figure out if that girl across the way is actually single, is she in to me etc, is way more challenging than swiping right and sending a message to someone I know is single and interested.
I’d love to meet more people organically, but life isn’t a romcom, sadly, and dating is a numbers game, so OLD it is.
There are major flaws with OLD, like the paradox of choice, being too discerning, or having too many matches happen all at once and trying to manage the dredded multidating, but it’s better than striking out a ton just to get 2 dates a year, for me at least.
Since no one reads prompts, I’m definitely opting out when my subscription runs out.
I don’t want kids. Keep matching with guys who definitely do. I would rather meet someone organically and have this information unknown than keep dealing with the headaches who just swipe on anything to “raise their odds”
Dating websites (not really apps…at that time anyway) were better imo because while you had photos, people put more effort into talking about who they are and what they want and it wasn’t just click left or click right. Okcupid imo was the best free dating website until they went to the Tinder model. Match.com did the same thing although I believe you can still search the old fashion way if you have the paid for membership.
At this point I have no more apps or websites. I gave up. I’m trying to go more to events that likely have single people simply to not be at home all the time and to feel a sense of community since I don’t feel like I have one these days, and if I meet someone great but I’ve stopped thinking it could happen since I’ve never ever met anyone I dated from these things more than maybe 3 people over 20 years where I never saw them more than 2 times.
I used to as a way to increase match rate however improving my physical appearance made tinder actually work for me so in the end it was all a waste of time.
I tried a dating app about a year ago. I think it was RSVP. I gave up on it pretty quickly when I noticed that almost all of the people who made contact with me did so in the week before my monthly payment was due and then there was a big push when the six-month subscription was about to expire. I also got a lot of people who didn’t fit my preferences — usually people with kids — which made me suspicious that the site was just trying to keep me paying. I didn’t renew the subscription.
I feel like there’s tonnes of people who don’t use any dating apps, especially since I’ve left them and been focussing on meeting people in real life. It’s a different pool (from what I’ve noticed) of the people who aren’t on apps/barely use them to the ones who only use apps. There’s just more excitement, I’ve found at least, in meeting people organically.
I absolutely agree with everything you’ve said and I just recently (hopefully for good) deleted apps all over again after YET ANOTHER frustrating and disappointing bout of attempted conversations for no real life connection. The gamification, dopamine hit, and accelerated timeline forced on us by the apps really make the whole process addictive and distasteful to me now. I have yet to meet anyone of real character or substance via apps. I have been on and off them since my mid-20s as a woman in a major metropolitan area and my theory is, if you are a normal, socially well-adjusted, worldly, interesting person that trying to represent all those wonderful things about you in a 2D format like a dating app profile is a fool’s errand. The people I know who’ve been successful at finding their spouses on OLD have been VERY INTO one shared hobby or both already committed to a shared vision of the lives they want (marriage, kids, etc). Anything outside of that is just not going to fit into the app model. The constant “hot or not” swiping is just so toxic, and you can’t get a real read on the person until you’ve met them in person and if they’re weird/creepy/awful, yikes what a waste of time and effort!!
The same kind of issue but for different reasons.
It takes me a while to feel attracted to someone and OLD pressures you to keep looking and express attraction super early to keep potential partners interested.
Like for instance I had a pretty good date last week but I always find after 1-3 dates with different people I’m so burnt out that I just don’t feel the “drive” to make more time for them when I have a full life with friends and hobbies and such. After all I barely know them and I’m *sure* they have other prospects.
I took a mental break of 3-4 months (felt so good to be off the app) and logged back around Xmas break. Found my guy after 2 weeks.
I (33f) tried two different apps last year for a few weeks each. I felt that when I first joined my profile was highlighted and I was getting a lot of likes/matches… I found this trailer off after a while. I wasn’t even doing the swiping through profiles myself I was just saying yes or no to the list that had already tried to match me. Once this died down I started doing the swiping and I was getting hardly anything in terms of matches. It made me feel shit… and the app was encouraging me to pay. So I deleted it.
I haven’t used them since, but I did try out speed dating last week and matched with 2 guys who I’m meeting again this week, it was far more fun and enjoyable than using an app! You should give it a go
I agree with a lot of what you’re saying, even though all my relationships started in IRL also from that kind of immediate connection and chemistry. There are still many differences to that happening IRL rather than OLD.
OLD you have an *idea* of a person, which is never accurate, so going from the app to the first date is always a big shift. If it isn’t clearly a positive surprise or at least affirming of expectations, the adjustment tends to decrease interest, which is hard to come back from. People aren’t generally very good at marketing themselves on OLD, so many get passed because of photos or bio that aren’t a good representation of them, or have no luck past first dates because of it. I don’t think I do a great job marketing myself either! Humans are too complex for a short bio and a few photos.
Meeting IRL you get the vibe, mannerisms, voice, gaze and whole physical being of someone at once. It is a lot more information chemistry-wise. Also folks who are slower to warm up to new people will always have a harder time with OLD.
OLD some bios and people focus on activies and interestests too much, I agree. Though also IRL when you meet someone you do usually have something in common already anyway, because you are in the same place at the same time: interest towards a place, a hobby, same field of study/work, same living area, common friends, taste in music or sport etc.
But ultimately I think the biggest problem with OLD is the swiping and illusion of abundance. I notice it effecting me too! Which feels really bad. After too many dates that didn’t amount to anything I become worn and need a break from it all to be able to be interested in new people again. Then when someone is great in many ways a but a couple of things are major question marks, it’s easy to start to wonder is there someone else more fitting out there.
For me OLD has been very useful in learning to feel very at ease with meeting new people, flirting with different types of men, learning to communicate interest and disinterested clearly and openly etc. But I don’t think I will ever find a partner from there (this attitude doesn’t help lol).
Ideally I would only chat on OLD to figure out a time and a place for the first date, but I realistically have emotional energy for 4-5 first dates per month at the absolute most, so I do want to try to get a bit of an idea about the person before comitting.
Way better to be perpetually single and not feeding time/money/anxiety into the apps than be perpetually single and still using the apps.
One thing I’ve noticed for me, which I think is slightly unusual as a man from what I’ve experienced, is that I am much more attracted to personality and vibe than the woman’s look. I find that dating apps are all just based on look, which makes it difficult to feel that connection with them.
I also find that people can just blend into one another, I find it interesting how many times I’ve gone “Haven’t I seen this person before?” and it’s mostly because every picture, hobby, and prompt seems to be the same for a lot of women I see. It almost feels like people have cloned the same woman 20 times sometimes…genuinely weird.
Of course the big problem I have is that the people suck. I am a man, but I’ve heard from women it’s exactly the same, which makes me slightly suspicious about what’s happening. Everyone has the same complaints and seems to go through the same type of experience: Messaging you without any plan to date, messaging you the most dry and basic things, messaging you once and never again, and obviously everyone ghosts. I find the match to date ratio is like super super low, because most people don’t make the effort.
It’s a crapshoot, but I definitely feel Offline is the way to go now a days. I feel the vibe more with women in real life, and I’ve not had any issues with asking for a date and getting rejected, in fact most of the people I’ve asked have been quite sweet about their rejections. So much better than just not hearing anything
Personally, when I’m single dating apps are my main dating tool. I’m an introvert, my social circle is all paired up and relatively insular/small, childfree, and I’m busy with work and not really interested in joining activities for the sake of dating. It’s more my pool of people, I just try to be really aware of my biases and intentional for what I’m swiping on and what I think I’m swiping on.
This was a great read. As a white female neurospicy user on these apps, I often feel overwhelmed by the number of men seemingly available, the many forms of fake flattery, true intentions versus stated intentions, emotional availability is rare, and matches who seem to be a perfect match but leave off a key detail (such as, he wants friendship, not romance, while he is on top of me about to have sex). Apps feel like a meat market drenched in desperation, not peace, hope, or any of things I want to feel when approaching another kind human for dating. Maybe they aren’t worth the stress it causes me anymore. Thanks for this prompt and your thoughts.
I don’t net date at all anymore. I’ve had nothing but bad experiences from it.
Most people who are using internet dating are using it for a reason.
All together it is a toxic space if you let it be one. I’ve been sucked into the serial dating a few times due to FOMO. I’ll have no matches for a period, then all of a sudden 3 or 4 seemingly great women match, so you are kind of forced into getting to know them and veting them, which is time consuming and soul crushing.
Currently going through that now, dating 4 women at the same time. I hate it. It’s demanding, expensive and most importantly not ethical.
Partially projection on my part, and partially from what past dates have told me, women are doing the same thing too.
How is it possible to form a great foundation with a gun to your head?