Hello, all. I wanted to say thank you all for the support. As for the update, where do I even start? It has been over the required 90 days since initially filing for divorce before it can be deemed official. I am going to the courthouse tomorrow to file the remaining paperwork. We had an easy, uncontested divorce. We agreed on how to split things with pretty much everything, and he didn’t even give me a hard time about taking our 2 cats that are quite attached to me (he was always the spare human). I bought a small home for myself and said 2 cats and moved a few days ago. I won’t lie, this whole process was very tough for me emotionally. It was especially hard considering he was constantly hot and then cold. He would jump from name calling and trying to control who came over to our house to finding reasons to call me on the phone all day and joking around with me like nothing was wrong. I feel like I have emotional whiplash from the last 3 months of living with him while looking for a new place to live. At one point, he came home to see me eating a meal I just cooked during a break from packing. It was pretty disorganized, but I was in the middle of doing multiple things at the same time. He saw the mess and started yelling at me for it and throwing my things around the kitchen. Another day, he texted me asking me why I wasn’t interested in where he had been spending his days off and later sheepishly asking if he would drop the open marriage demand, would I ever consider trying again. Of course, I told him we were way past that, considering the multiple times he promised he would cheat on me if we didn’t open the marriage.
Also I did get STD tested and came back clean as a whistle. I don’t think he was already cheating. But he is damned embarrassed about this whole thing. He wants me to tell people he cheated on me when they ask why we are getting divorced instead of telling the truth of the matter. I’m still not sure what the correct course of action is for that.
He was made aware in advance that after I moved and the divorce was finalized, I would be going no contact. I did all the leg work to make this happen, including getting all divorce paperwork and 2023 taxes filed, separating all bills and bank accounts, hiding the address to my new home, blocked him on all social media and I will even be changing my phone number once everything is finalized. He feels that me going no contact is “vindictive.” No matter what he has said and done to hurt me, I still have a lot of love for this man. He doesn’t deserve it, I know. But that is exactly why I need to go no contact. It’s for my own peace and to maintain some semblance of self respect. I can’t tell him that because I don’t want to give him (or myself tbh) any false hope that we could work things out. I have no plans to be with anyone else in the near or distant future. I just want to work on building my confidence and get in a healthier mindset. I haven’t gotten to counseling yet like many have suggested. I was in survival mode for the last 3 months so I could get out of that hellish situation. Now that I’m in my new house and getting unpacked, I’m sure I will be able to relax enough to start feeling better soon. And if I don’t, I have every intention of seeking professional help. I have a huge support network between friends and family. Our shared friends were all on my side as well. Not that there is a true right or wrong in a situation like this, but one of his best friends telling him this was the biggest mistake of his life was incredibly validating. The only thing I regret from my relationship with him is staying as long as I did despite all the red flags I ignored throughout the years. I went into detail on some of them in the comments of the original post. All I know is that I’m feeling a mix of relief and grief. I just need some time to allow myself to heal.
Out of our many conversations, he told me that 99% of open marriages fail because they were opened for failing marriages and that since we had a great relationship, we would have been fine. I tried explaining to him that I learned (from some of you guys) that what he suggested was NOT an open marriage, but is was parallel polyamory and it was the most difficult form of polyamory to achieve. He didn’t care and was only focused on convincing me to work it out with him.
For me, there is nothing to work out. He wants to be with someone else and to fall in love again. So I am giving him the freedom to do that but gracefully stepping back. As many have said, you don’t get to have your cake and eat it too.
There isn’t much more to say on the matter. I said I was leaving, and I did it. Here’s to hoping 2024 is my year!