Fell in love with the most beautiful woman in the world in my eyes. but we have been going through the ringer. It became to much for me to handle. I completely LOST myself along the way. Im not sure what to do. I sent her packing tonight. I already miss her but emotionally i have no support at all from her. I have been disrespected for the last time when I GAVE EVERYTHING to the Young woman. I knew that going in to it that it would be hard. I lost my Peace along the way. So i met this girl as soon as i seen her she caught my eye. For the first time in my life i was passionate about what i had going for myself after years of drug addiction i was clean for over a year, i had goals that i was visualizing, and obtaining, was clean for a year and the first year of our relationship. We honestly hit it off pretty good. i felt like it was something different than i had ever seen before, mainly because i WAS clean, she was conservative with herself and her body, beautiful sweet, i thought she was a little young which she was. Being young isnt usually a good thing in my eyes. Its not a bad thing , i was just concerned about life expereince. But she was quiet and know that the less you talk i thought it meant you listened and paid attention to more. And that was a mature thing to see from a younger girl. Boy was I wrong
Year one: we got to know one another, we loved spending time together, i met her family she met mine, I was chasing my dreams, she was going to college. after about 7 months we just fell into an opportunity to try living togegther. Her aunt had signed a 2 year lease agreement on an apartment and she was leaving an abusive stepdad and lost soul of a mother situation.. They kicked her out barely after Graduating. They kicked her brothers out at 15 and 16. She needed help paying the bills and had no one else. She thought she was in love so we gave it a shot
\—-The Apartment— There was had an amazing time. We made love and got to know eachother sexually, i was still doing great “drugwise”. I was happy i looked forward to going home to her every single night. We spent the whole night together. Cuddling, cooking, cleaning, having my daugher over, WE DID EVERYTHING TOGETHER. WE LOVED EVERY second of it. I was the happiest man alive and i had scored the most beautiful woman in the WORLD. I had obtained enough life experience to deal with this young woman who i thought was mature. I was on a natural high. CLOUD 9!!!!! To this point we still had not even had an argument. Not a single disagreement about everything. And compromised for one another willingly and wanted to!.
YEAR 2
\–The Trailer– We moved from the city, which i was VERY VERY happy about. The place wasnt as nice, but it was half the price. I was on year 3 i believe of my diesel shop. She had a small paying job. But it still allowed us time together. All we wanted was EACHOTHER! She began to bring up Babies and Marriage here. we had a for the most part wonderful time here. I Kept telling her dont rush it we will get there baby
\- At this point i had forgotten all of my goals and dreams and gave this woman ALL of my Love and attention without Realizing it. We were renting I wasnt making alot of money yet at my shop but i had brought it from the point of nothing i lived in my shop for 3 years before meeting her and these times may match up its been a while and i just need to rant its all relative. I am trying here. Back to the story. i was making probably 45k a year now. when the first year of living in my shop i think i made 10g. I had come from ROCK bottom to here. And didnt want to work for anyone ever again. I wanted to build something that was Mine,Mine,Mine,Mine. She understood it we continued to make actual love. It was magical, like something from a fairy tell we were both head over heels for one another. And still hadnt had a fight. 6 months into living at this place. ( I had given in a couple of times to my addiction but it was NOT bad. I was still in control)(Painkillers) This would be part of our Demise.) BACK TO IT. We got pregnant. and boy we were just Elated. This was perfect I have never loved a woman this much i was focused and pissed at the world and myself. I had a drive/fire in me that i never had before. For whatever Reason i knew for fact the moment we found out it we had gotten pregnant. She had been almost begging me to start a family with her. However i was skeptical, I gave everything for my first sons mother and had him taken away. he is 11 now! i hadnt seen my son since he was 5. I had gone through serious depression and drug abuse years before hand(meeting her). So i had life experience now. And thought i was prepared. And i was able to share this with my wife(girlfriend) at the time. And she was there for me emotionally. Which is all i ever asked of her. I had NOONE but my father. my siblings were junkies. Yet she was the only person i really wanted or needed I was prepared to do anything for this woman to see her smile ANYTHING.
\-The pregnancy-
\- Still excited. She wasn’t TOO emtional it was honestly truly a great pregnacy. I knew no matter what i would fight for this boy and my girlfriend and to me it was no matter what, I was going to be there for this woman and my children. We were going on evening walks and sharing everything with one anther it was perfect i was IN LOVE serious un-adultered LOVE. It could not be any better. There wasnt a single low that i can think of before this point. i guess about half way though, i was going through somethings mentally for like 2 weeks. I just was in a spot in my head where i didnt have anything to say and i needed some space. I requested that she try to give me a little and that sometimes i just go through a phase oro so if that is what you want to call it. SHE WOULD NOT give it to me, I begged and pleaded that i please have a tad bit of space. I would up giving in a few more times (to my habit). Still in control though i was just getting my mind right. Im not perfect.
\—The first arguement—
(Baby, Really im fine its just a phase)
\-I loved her and i knew that for certain. I STIL DO! and dont want anyone else. She began to hammer me! And i mean really hammer me. I got no space at all. She NEEDED all of the love and attention. She may have caught me watching porn the first time. Which i felt like most couples go through that and work through it. Us men just do that. I wasn’t giving it to her enough i guess i wanted to my mind just wasnt right because i was in that phase, and she wouldnt give me my space. It was just easier to rub one out real quick, less work i wasnt trying to make her feel bad. She is still the most beatuful woman in the world to me. i slipped up im sorry i told her. i did not want to have sex at that point not because of her. it was me and she didnt understand. I missed my son it had been over 5 years. And that boethered me at times. I didnt even know where he was and could not afford a lawyer. I wanted to find him so bad and never let go. Thats what i was feeling through this phase. With her added pressure i cried myself to sleep sometimes on the couch because i could not deal with her hammering me while i was trying to deal with my own demons (I MISSED MY SON TO DEATH IT HURT SOOOO FUCKING BAD) . She began to say things like you dont want me anymore, you dont love me, im fat and ugly ugly. I hated making her feel like that, yet i tried explaining it and she just failed miserably to even try to understand where i was coming from. Which in turns made EVERYTHING WORSE. This was the start of her SELFISHNESS. eventually after wayyy to long and my having to beg her to give me space. She realized she was selfish and apologized and we got through it. And were happy. I had hoped we were better for it. 7 months in Now apparently i watch PORN ALL THE TIME. And she is starting to make herself believe that i have a porn adiction. And i was older ya know i had more life experience. More sexual experience. I hadnt really pushed her to explore that with me yet. I was being patient and giving her time to learn the basics. After all ther was a decent age difference. I under stood that. Most of her life she was sheltered and she just did not understand. I think the porn she had caught me watching was anal (MF) which has always been like my biggest kink. Which is pretty basic in and of itself. To me at least. Because at this point i had done things that I was not even really ready to admit to her. I Had M-M experiences in my earlier 20s and discovered that i was BI. But i did not want a man i wanted her. I am glad i experienced those things it gave me a lot of insight and perception on other people. And i honestly really enjoyed most of those experiences) but KNEW I did not want (THAT). It was a big reason why she loved me in the first place. (She didn’t know that yet) And i knew she wasn’t prepared to be told. So i waited this was a bit selfish of me i admit but i figured if she loved me she would understand. After all she knew gay people and i was NOT GAY. Dont act gay, look gay, None of it. Just experience. in my mind i left it at that and put it on the back burner. ( for a later date ). I wanted to tell her i just knew she wasnt ready. Sooo 9 months My beautiful son was born. I almost fought the nurses over her that day, they refused to check her dialation. for hours and hours. when she was at like over 3 cm the last time they checked her. Almost 4 hours went by and i had been telling them ya know hey yall please come check my girlfriend i think she needs that Epidural they told me they knew what they were dpoing and they knew when to check her. Not 10 minutes later i ran out there. HEYYY YOU FUCKS!!! SHES PUSHING!!!!!!!!!!! They all looked at me crazy And now its too late for the epidural and had been too late for a while now.(ELDORADO HOSPITAL FOR WOMEN DO NOT RECOMMEND) (ARKANSAS). I said some words and the nurse told me i dont know what im talking about and she would kick me out if i said another word. I was not cussing anyone just told them they needed to do their jobs. SOO YALL if you want an epidural DO NOT GO TO ELDORADO!!! That day my son Cloud was born. And we were the happiest couple on planet earth. From the moment i held that boy i knew i would fight a bear for him i would do anything for my baby boy. I was ready to conquer the world for him and my future wife. It was made up in my mind that i would marry this woman if she would have me. (FAST FORWARD some months. We had fallen back in our usual love making. Our son slept all night and we made love all night. I was being selfless (unselfish) by telling her to wait, but she was pushing and was forcing it upon me and i knew she didnt have the life experience it takes to make one work yet. I love her so much that i encouraged her to go out and explore and do things. I did not care what it was I would be there for her and love her through every single bit of it (NO MATTER WHAT). I thought it was mature of me, because i only wanted to marry once. I KNEW THAT. I would do anything at any cost to ensure that we would be forever or until the end (DEATH). Bu==t she was completely sure she wanted me, She thought she was.
HAVE TO TOMORROW!!!!!
\–CHAPTER 2, TO BE CONTINUED–
\- please tune in i need help! –
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