I’ll try to keep it brief. Also, English is not my first language, so I am sorry for any grammatical error.
TL;DR. Our relationship is full of red flags we are willing to ignore, but I am at a certain point where I cannot deny my feelings, that we are not good for each other anymore. Willing to try to rebuild tho, both of us.
We (28F, 31M) have been together for almost five years now, living together from the beggining. It started as an open relationship, with me being single and desperate, and himself having a fiancé, but before committing fully he wanted to live a little (meaning having sex with as many aesthetically pleasing girls as possible, A.K.A. me, no intention of body shaming, put away the pitchforks.)
As every relationship, it is exciting at the beggining, but the only thing matters of how it is when it’s tested. Now I can safely say it has been tested. We went trough some rough things, losing relatives, losing jobs, an abortion, which was heartbreaking for me, physical and mental illnesses, life itself was not great to us at times. There were positive things for sure, going on adventures together, finding mutual hobbies, trying out new things, building a solid fundation for us, to stand the storm.
I only mentioned the abortion because I believe that was the beggining of our slow end. We are always careful, but it happened, and we were in no position to provide for that child (we are nowhere near it now neither, not financially, not mentally, nowhere). That was mostly my decision, he was mostly indifferent about the situation, never accompanied me to the doctor, never really asked anything, never worried about my physical and mental wellbeing, except before the procedure itself, when I was in pain, and I could not talk, so I did not answer my phone, but in the end he agreed that is it for the best.
After that painful experience we started to grew colder and colder. He switched jobs for good in the meantime, and still works there. We can say his world got bigger, and bigger, up until I feel like he kinda left me behind.
A couple months ago I found a note, along with a cookie, meant for him, full of hearts. He shrugged it off, saying it was a goodbye note from some random girls at work, leaving the company.
Shortly after that he started to style his hair, not wearing a hat anymore (mind you, it is winter, negative degrees, and strong, cold winds), and when I asked about it he told me he always hated hats, and enough is enough. He downplayed it so bad I felt stupid, but it was truly unusual, never happened before.
I don’t have my own computer, so I use his when I need to check something, more convenient in a PC. There I was, about 3 weeks ago, when another random girls name started popping up as a notification, sending him messages. I am not proud of myself, but I snooped.
(Side note: I offered him my phone, my passwords to go and check it, since I did it first, but he refused.)
And there he was, asking this girl if she is mad at him, what happened, and so on. I could not stop myself, read further and further back, where they talk about her gynecologist exams and results, along with light flirting. It was like a kick to my stomach, everything went out the window, so I started asking him about her.
I knew I was not getting straight answers, and he is downplaying the situation, but I did not gave up until I (think I) got it. Which was a week after I noticed her messages. For that week we talked about it constantly, because I just could not wrap my head around it.
They are not direct colleagues, but they meet often. They started talking (in writing) back in July. They followed each other on social media. The reason he asked if she is mad at him was because he realised she removed him from her followers, and couldn’t see her pictures on Instagram anymore.
He said they are just friends, who talk occasionally, but in the early conversations between them this girl complains about her coworker, who interrupted their chat, stating they talk too much, and she needs to get back to work.
I told him planly, that I think, if he did not cheated on me with her yet, he is just a step behind. He denied. He kept denying everything, downplayed the situation once again, but agreed to try to fix our problems, invest in our relationship more, and we spent a wonderful weekend together.
He seemed indifferent too. Did not expressed anything, neither positive nor negative of the previous 48 hours when I left for work, leaving him home, I had to basically drag the answers out of him if he felt okay, enjoyed himself, and so on.
It was the Monday after the weekend, when my colleague asked me how was it, and I started crying. Looking back it was a scene, just acting from his side, because (I believe!) his life is very much convenient with me, and because of that he doesn’t want to leave me. (Almost the same as his previous relationship, where he left her for me. She, in the previous one did everything around the household, like I do… well, not anymore, but we will get to it.)
I was sent home, and on the way I played everything and everything back my head once again, and got sad and mad even more. When I got home he was surprised for a minute, and after he got angry with me, for coming home, and effing up his day of undisturbed gaming. (Yes, he is an addict, or if not then close to it)
He accused me of doing this on purpore (effing up his gaming day), that I lied to him when I told him I had fun over the weekend (I never told him anything, I just asked) and all he wanted to do today is playing on his computer, and nothing else, but now I’m home, so he is required to spend time with me, otherwise I’ll be mad.
I told him, that is was not my decision to come home, and tried to defend myself, but it was no use. We were yelling at each other for 3 hours, I spent the next 3 drunk crying, and repeating myself of things I said before, like I don’t think he loves me anymore, I am just a warm body, and so on.
Fast forward to a week ago, where I, as my last resort put everything on the table. My deepest darkest thought of heavy subjects, the guys I laid my eye on, everything. (I’ll write about myself later, I am no saint of course). I offered him immunity, and a light conversation, because I thought he is more willing to be completely honest if he knows for sure I won’t get mad, and I was the one to spill my tea first.
I was right. Well, mostly. He started to share some truth, but not all of it. I caught him lying on a topic which is irrelevant to out current story, but I called him out on it right away, and we started fighting. Towards the end of the fight I told him to start searching for an apartment, I’ll start looking for a second job to be financially independent from him, and this is it for us.
The next day I went to work, did not say goodbye to him. He woke up two hours after I started my (thankfully light) shift, and he started to talk.
That girl from work was special to him, because she was easy to talk to, she is an adventurous, Tinder dating lady who is willing to share her stories. He followed her on Instagram because he was looking for sexy photos of her. (He followed the girls too, who gave him the cookie with the heart note, because of the same reason). At one point he mocked her into showing him the lingerie she just received via delivery. He said he felt more like a man, a desirable man by just talking intimate topics with her. He wanted me to seduce him, to compliment him more, just to be able to strike that feeling in him, which he got from that girl, and we should be okay. Oh, and sex of course, more of it. I got a promise in exchange from him that he will be more helpful when it comes to household chores, and minimize gaming time.
I mentioned that they started to talk back in July, at least that is when there is written proof of them talking, and flirting. Interestingly enough, since that time period he never even tried to be in this relationship with me. No interest in doing things together, being intimate, talk, only the bare minimum. We were like roommates. (I know, I have my part in this, don’t worry, I’ll get to it!) Just because of a girl, who never made a move, never expressed she likes him other than the light flirting, I was put away to the back of his mind.
I am no saint. I am stubborn, so when he started gaming more, and distancing himself I did the same. It was comfortable for me, for a week or so, because I like being alone, but I started missing us. Because I wasn’t the one to start to turn away, I was waiting for him to make the first step towards me again. He didn’t. Not even for intimacy, which is huge for him. My appetite is petite.
The deepest darkest thoughts are mostly mental health related, with which I surprised him (as he said) and I called him out again, because we had some conversations about me, going to therapy.
The guys I laid eye on? I had a crush on a guy when I was a teenager, who reached out to me, we started talking, and he plain told me he wanted to have sexual relations. Not leaving our significant others, just an open relationship. I thought about it, but asked him to go on with his wife first, and if she is okay with it, I’ll propose my idea to my boyfriend. His wife was not open, so we left it there, and they had a baby a week after. So this was it for me forever. Told him to contact when I’m single, and he is divorced, and I’ll think about it, until that time forget me.
Now, he knows everything, and I think I know too. Now, we are trying to move forward, putting in energy and time into the relationship, as we discussed, and it seems like we are getting there.
I can’t help, but wonder, what would have happened, if I don’t catch that conversation I started snooping on? Does this thing worth saving? I love him, for sure, and I was devastated with the news, he hurted me badly, but I’m still here, trying. He does too. I’m just not sure anymore why. Because he is comfortable with me, I mean our life together, or he is serious about us, and saying the truth.
I am still confused of the events of the past couple months. I want to try. I want to believe. I really do love him, and I don’t want it to be over, but sometimes the little devil on my shoulder whispers to me.
I don’t think I trust him anymore, and I don’t know if I can ever trust him again.
Is this worth it anymore?
What should I do, or change, to be the first for him?
Thank you so so much for bearing with me, and even if nobody even reads this, it felt good to get it out of my system. Please, once again excuse me for my grammar or formal mistakes, and a huge thank you for your feedback.
PS. I’ll clarify in the comments if something is not really clear. Thank you for the opportunity to vent at least!