TLDR at the bottom : It’s been almost 2 years since I last talked to my ex And a bit more than 2 years since the breakup
We were each other’s first relationship and our breakup was filled with pain both ways. I broke up for the ways I felt I was being treated and he spoke to me (I didn’t want to and felt very bad bc I really loved him I just felt it was a bit toxic and restraining , we fought every 2 days he was mad all the time etc etc ) then as an ex he treated me even worse , he wouldn’t mind to insult me and so on , then we had a fling for a month as exes (typical exes stuff) where he was trying to get me back but at the end he backtracked for some reason (don’t know why but whatever I also felt anxious about going back tbh) and from this point he kept treating me bad (we were in the same class) but not with hate but with shame. I felt so shamed with him and it really moved me bc at the end of the day it was one of the people I’ve had more intimacy with in my life the one doing it. I felt so judged (like in the relationship but enchanced due to us not really talking anymore so he wasn’t honest with me anymore ) I could feel him giggling behind my back and when we talked about certain problems I could feel him not taking me seriously and acting (it’s a hard feeling to explain) he also said hurtful things like he wished we were never together and insinuated I was sh1t and also slshamed me for being with another guy (5 months after our fling) when he also had been with other guys but said “I’m not like u “
(During our relationship I also felt judged but I knew he loved me + it steamed from his own insecurities. I was always trying to be more confident and so on and he always wanted to not be seen and fit in as much as he could (and just for the record it wasnt a fememinity thing just in case you might think I was trying to be more “gay” and he didn’t dig that, it had nothing to do with that ))
And so on. At the end of the day I always tried to remain respectful and not say hurtful things back because I knew one day I would regret it bc I wouldn’t have been honest (I wanted to say them out of pride but deep down I still cared about him so saying mean things back wouldn’t be being honest with my feelings which is sometimes I try to live by )
That same “i wish I never got with u day” I knew it was going to be the last day we were going to see each other or at least talk to each other (end of the school year ) I mentioned it but he told me not to be dramatic and that wasn’t true (spoiler it was ) so I tried to end up in a good note and right after that I texted him that I still don’t regret anything bc we’re still part of others story and so on , he replied well tbh and things were left at that
The first year was kinda hard then it was fine , I’ve had two short situationships after him and we ended in good terms bla bla bla
But I feel like l even though I don’t miss my ex Because with time I’ve realised we were not meant to each other and were too different and want different things in life
To be honest at this point I don’t even really remember how he was but I do remember how I felt, specially the shame
To this day I sometimes get the feeling as if he knows what I do or can see me and I feel a lot of shame. It’s weird because the other two boys I’ve been with have loved me for being me so you would think it would balance out but it doesn’t. Maybe because at the end we also fell apart, I don’t know.
Maybe it’s because it’s a feeling that has been present in different forms in my life so when something that makes me feel shame happens it feeds into it.
It’s like I can feel him laughing about me with his friends. his hate had so much power over me it made me feel incredibly weak . It’s so hurting having the only person you’ve been so intimate with hate you so much and disrespect you like that. He also was the person who made me feel soo much love (when together I was always his number 1. Even with all the fighting (I hate heat fighting because you say many hurtful things I’m a dialogue/rant person ) I never suspected he would cheat on me and he said I was the love of his life )
Sometimes it’s stronger and sometimes it’s milder but it’s always kinda of there .
This has made me feel like I don’t know who I actually am and what parts of me are true and what protective mechanisms . For example, I don’t enjoy posting in social media anymore . Maybe I just grew up but I also wonder if maybe it’s because the judgement I feel .
After that school year I did an exchange program (had to get out of that city ) and it was good honestly and I know he spent at least half of that year still angry (the only thing a common friend has told me). As for after that I don’t know what his feelings are.
I’ve even thought about texting him to ask him how he is but I don’t really want to stir anything because it could end in disaster . But even if I did, what for? Would seeing him reply to me like a normal person and maybe even apologise (maybe he’s reflected and feel sorry who knows) help me? I don’t think so . I think it would only lead for me looking for more reassurance although we can’t really know if it would help or not.
I will see him anyways this September , I also saw him briefly in the distance last September but we just kinda waved for half a second (I didn’t expect to see him and it left me baffled ) . Sooner or later we will be forced to interact again . I wish I was healed by then and maybe we can be cordial acquaintes and feel peace , but I’m afraid I’ll still be afraid of him and anything I’ll do will end up in feeling more shame from him . I will never know what he really thinks . I will never know what he knows about me
(He had more friends than me in class and I know people talked to him about me but it never happened the other way around so i know he has peoples insight of me but I do not have the same things (how else would he know I got w another guy etc ) it also made me more distrustful about common acquaintances bc I feel people will talk about me to him after.
To be honest I’ve been a lot of time with out really thinking about him but this past weeks I started thinking in myself and how I feel about myself, my changes Over time ,what I want and what kind of person I want to be so ofc he resurfaced in my mind and I’ve been thinking about it
I actually feel better after putting all this into words but Yeah, how can I work towards not letting that shame and judgement affect me . Sorry for crappy English
TLDR: (I broke up at first ) . After almost two years and him ending in bad terms and badmouthing me I Don’t miss my ex at all anymore but I’ve come to realise the shame and judgement I felt during the relationship and specially the breakup (since he was a dear person to me ) has sticked with me probably impacting my self concept and behaviour and don’t know how to overcome this and not care what he might think . I also mention talking to him and just asking how he is but I doubt it will work .