I don’t know if this is the right place to post this, so forgive me if it’s not. I just need advice but I’m not sure on what aspect of this situation I need advice on. This is long so I appreciate anyone who reads the whole thing.
I (31F) have always had a strained relationship with my mother (58F). We go through periods where we talk to each other fairly frequently and periods where we may go a month or so without talking. For the past year or so we have had fairly minimal contact. I love my mom very much and drop everything when she needs me in spite of our challenges.
My mom has been single for most of my life. She divorced my father over 20 years ago because he was emotionally abusive and had a few instances where he was physically abusive. She has dated some men since then who cheated on her, were married, didn’t work, one was a catfish, etc. I say this to give you an idea of her history. I have talked to her about being more careful and looking for red flags. She has had financial issues over the years but has recently become somewhat successful and is making low 6 figures, owns her home, and a pretty nice car.
The current situation involves a man she met online Angelo (65M). He lived in another state so they communicated mostly via phone (FaceTime, calls, text). I know that she met him in person at least once because she happened to be traveling to his state. She told me about him and I immediately brought up red flags that concerned me about his financial situation. At the time they met he just happened to be deciding between job offers in the area we live in and a city much further away. Fast forward to Christmas Eve, I stopped by her house to drop off some gifts and there was a small u-haul moving trailer outside. At this point they had known each other for about 4-5 months. I asked her about the truck and that’s when I found out he had moved in that day and I blew up. I know I shouldn’t have, but I was already worried about this happening and was very shocked and upset to find out the way I did.
I apologized that night and met with her a couple weeks later to discuss what happened. I asked that she at least ask him to sign away his rights to her house because he has legal rights to it if he lives there long enough. I found out (from other family members) that he actually didn’t have a job offer and my aunt was helping him get a job after he moved. I already planned to not be at her house Christmas Day but I received a picture from my cousin where he put a tv in the dining room while he ate alone and my whole family was in the living room watching tv and eating right on the other side of the wall. He put his hand over a child’s mouth because they were coughing and he was yelling at the kids in general. This was the first day he met my family and the second day he lived there. My mom is head over heels for this guy and thinks he’s so amazing because he does stuff like rub her feet and wash dishes (those were the examples of nice things he does that she gave me).
I ran a background check on him and found no criminal history. The main thing I found concerning was a handful of evictions in the early 2000s. I have now found out from my brother (25M) who lives at home still that he carries a metal bat around the house in every room. They live in a pretty safe area and my mom has cameras all around the house and a security system. He also is in very good shape. He doesn’t sleep in the same room with her which I know is something my mom would not be okay with.
I think about this every day and I’m very scared for my mom. I haven’t met him yet because I don’t think I could push aside my feelings and be cordial and I don’t want to cause more strain on our relationship. However after finding out the information about the bat I’m more scared than ever. People close to me are telling me that I don’t know him and this could be the best thing to ever happen to her and that I can’t control her. I’m well aware of these facts, but the red flags are so big in my opinion. I’m probably going to go over there soon and meet him (with my boyfriend). But I’m just so scared. How can I support her? Should I keep my distance?
TL;DR: My mom (58F) moved a man (65M) into her house from another state after meeting him online and knowing him for 4-5 months. He has showbn some red flags such as carrying a metal bat around the house, being rude to family, and financial red flags. How to support?