Reposted to include time together: dating for 1.5 years.
We keep having the same conversation. He’ll come to me bc he feels bad about not doing enough in some area—whether it’s admitting he’s jealous that my friends are better friends to me than he is, or apologizing for not being able to give me his time because work is so stressful, or saying he knows he isn’t as good at showing that he loves me as I am to him—and I do my best to reassure him. The problem is, I’m starting to agree with him when he talks about his shortcomings. So I finally told him that yes, I am a little unhappy with the lack of effort, and I would kind of like to see some change.
He took it super hard, he had a heartbroken meltdown about how he’s afraid of losing me and the very thought makes him want to hurt himself, but also can’t change anything about what he’s doing, because he’s already doing his best. He doesn’t have any more time to give, he’s “not perfect”, he’s “only human”, I expect too much, he’s allowed to make mistakes, he’s just himself and that’s who I chose to date. So now I’m kind of at a loss, because I feel like he only wanted reassurance about doing less than me and doesn’t actually intend to do more, if that makes sense?
I think the biggest thing is his job. He’s a freelance artist and does not have a consistent income, and when there is income, it isn’t very much, and this makes him insecure and depressed. We’ve had this conversation since the very beginning of our relationship about how shitty he feels about his job, how he wants to move out with me but I won’t until he starts making enough to support himself, how he feels bad that I’d be covering most of our finances (I’m a nurse) and also just how he doesn’t like doing freelance art. I tell him he doesn’t have to, especially if it’s not sustainable, but he says he just needs time to get recognized and get his art off the ground. He’s been at it for years but says it could take over a decade to make a career for himself, but maybe THEN he’ll feel fulfilled by it.
I don’t see us being able to live together anytime soon despite how badly he wants to, and I’m also not sure that our current mid-distance relationship is working well, because of the lack of being there for each other. I can’t very well tell him to quit his job but it’s such a stressor on both of us that I don’t know how much longer he can keep it up. It’s possible I *could* be expecting too much but I don’t feel like it.
I really love him and I’m worried about him and want to make it work, so do I lower my expectations or should I insist I need him to shape up??
TLDR: bf feels insecure about not putting in effort to our relationship and also not making much money, but also won’t change what he’s doing.