My boyfriend and i have known each other since we were like 8, but started dating 3 years ago. I have been in some really shitty relationships, one of which i was assaulted in and I was single for several years following that breakup when we started to try us out.
I never knew that i could love, care and appreciate someone so deeply. I love this man so much and i would do anything for him. Growing up in our group of friends he and I weren’t super close and I was honestly nervous about changing the dynamic, but after a couple of months hanging out just the two of us, i feel like we both fell so hard for each other.
He is so unbelievably kind, and understanding. He is so funny and smart and loving and is just so amazing to be around. I struggle with severe ADHD and an anxiety disorder and he cools me down in all the best ways. We have so much fun together, and genuinely care about each others interests, rarely argue, when we do its super relaxed and productive and we both are pretty good communicators. When i have panic attacks, he refuses to leave my side and stays with me helping out anyway he can, if im sad or uptight he fixes it as soon as i see his face. He just makes me feel so loved, wanted, appreciated.
With that being said, I feel like i wear him down. On the days where my anxiety and depression just sticks and im crying or distant, it breaks his heart. He feels like he’s doing something wrong, or is just upset and when he’s like that around me he gets distant too. I’m not sure if he’s trying to give me what he thinks i need or if hes just so drained from being around my negativity. I always feel even worse, like I’m making him sad and it just frustrates me that I can’t just be normal and not think and feel the ways i do. I feel like im just a draining and overwhelming person sometimes and that I never seem to help the situation when i apologize.
I don’t really know what to do or how to feel sometimes, and it’s always fucking something with me. I can’t ever rationalize, its always blown out of proportion or not enough and im scared to start trying to think differently as if that was helping somehow.
Earlier this evening we were hanging out and i was wrapped around him, hadn’t seen him in around a week, and time comes when he should start heading home. Im usually really fine about it, but sometimes it just hits me that i really really don’t want him to go. I missed him so much and just wanted to be near him. I offered for him to stay over and he (very sweetly) shrugs or jokes it off all the time. (We’re middle distant but his work is 10 minutes from where I live) It always kind of confused me because if work is close, he has the stuff he needs and says he “wishes he could”, then why not? I was annoying for a little longer, and stupidly pushed him again, and he again sweetly shrugged it off. I said ok and kissed him goodbye, and as he gets in the car he sends a text, apologizing and saying he wasnt enough. My heart SHATTERED. I was apologizing and on the verge of tears texting back.
He just said he didn’t wanna make me sad and that I wasn’t too much. I told him I was sorry and I know I can be a lot sometimes, i loved and appreciated him and it was ok if he needed space or whatever he needed but in his response he didn’t acknowledge that part.
Im scared, sad, guilty and confused and I hate that I’m like this. I’m sorry this was so long, I just need advice. How do I break myself of being the draining person I am?
TL;DR! i feel like my anxiety is to much for my boyfriend and I can’t tell if he’s too nice to leave or if im hurting him when im sad or both and im not sure how to fix it.