I [F26] have a crush I tried to suppress but nothing works

TL;DR

I \[for those of you into MBTI, I test as INTP\] live in a foreign country with a boyfriend who might be controlling. Afraid to break up and feeling terrible about a crush that has been going on for years.

I live together with my boyfriend of four years + \[tests as ISTJ\]. We have a 10-year age gap and he taught me many things about life. Before we started dating I rejected him several times but he persisted and I said yes. The relationship progressed quickly and he moved in after a few months, and the same time when he convinced me to have sex for the first time in my life. We moved back to his country for the both of us to find jobs. I found a job I really really like and rent an apartment where he lives with me.

My problem is I am not sure I want to spend the rest of my life with him. First, sometimes I am scared of him. He tends to get angry at least once a day, either suddenly being annoyed and making comments or shouting, and he gets medication for that anger issue. I hate that he calls me an ‘idiot’ almost every day.

Also he tries to make me behave in a certain way. I am financially independent and my job is well paid but he gets annoyed if I use my own credit card as he wants to consolidate expenses. He also cancelled some of my subscriptions without telling me as he saw it as a waste of money. He tried to prevent me from buying new clothes with my own money because it takes too much space. He has opposed in the past to me meeting with friends. When one friend visited all the way from my home country he made me not attend her welcome party. Finally we haven’t had sex in several years.

At the same time he is very affectionate, takes tons of photos of us together, wants to spend all of his time with me. He counsels me on friendship or work issues. He is extremely protective of me. He is also a curious and driven person which I admire. He knows everything about my tastes and habits.

Also, I felt like I owe him so much for arranging our lives in his country. He said he would k\*ll himself if I left in the past – last month I suggested living separately and he cried for days. I might also feel very lonely if we break up. All reasons to stay.

Here is why I feel terrible. In the past 3 years, I think I have started developing feelings for a coworker \[tests as INFJ\]- something that’s very very rare to me, and unheard of in a relationship of course.

That coworker is the sensitive, caring type and I feel like our conversations ignore time and space. We can always pick up where we left off even after years. He broke up with a long-term partner probably around the time I joined as he mentioned it early on and sometimes goes on dates with new people.

I fought those feelings which made me feel disgusting, and unworthy of a relationship for years. First I noticed I couldn’t focus at work in my first weeks and discovered my thoughts went to him. So I tried to destroy those thoughts by not interacting as much with him: rejecting invites on social media, or one-on-one happy hour, or hiding my joy when he brought back a book I wanted from his home country for me or acting horrified when his friend suggested we would make a great couple, or when he mentioned I should be going to a clinic from his country for delivery in case I get pregnant in the future.

But every three months or so, I would give in and started chatting with him and conversations always went on for hours, talking about life (for example he tried out the vegetarian diet when I told him I didn’t eat meat), books, movies etc.

During covid I used work from home as an excuse to never see him and put some space between us. It did nothing. After a year, he became my new boss. I acted rude to him on purpose. He even set up a meeting to ask me why I was so disrespectful. I cried during the meeting out of frustration and following that he sent me a social media invite for the second time and I rejected him again.

Last month we started being forced to return to the office. He is no longer my manager, and I managed to get a seat not next to him anymore. I try to be friendly so that our work relationship gets better & because I also missed his company. I am aware of his flaws, but it doesn’t seem to affect my feelings. Sometimes we go eat outside but never alone anymore. Last time I still got flustered when walking together, mistakenly thinking it was raining. It was actually not raining, but we walked with our umbrellas open without realizing it for a good 15 minutes.

If I want to save my current relationship and keep my job, moving to another country with my boyfriend while staying in the company might be the solution. But is it the right thing to do? I think my coworker also suspects that I am thinking of moving away as he recently asked where I would like to live in the coming ten years – and mentioned his home city which made my heart sink. He was actually thinking of moving there but covid put his plans on hold.

For now I am back in my home country for a month and trying to unwind. Coworker also chose to go back home at the same time so I will not be in touch with him for a month, which helps me step back to look at the situation.

What should I do? 🙁