To add context, my(34m) parents divorced about 11 years ago. At that time, I still lived at home due to having a bankruptcy on my record(car wreck in 2007). My dad moved out when they divorced, and he married about 7 years ago. My mother, though, was unhappy and dating strange men during that time.
Cut to November of 2020: I moved in with my friends about 40 miles away, near Atlanta. At the time, I was working at a factory close to my mom’s house. I used to spend the night twice a week, since my cat lives at her house(no pets at rental house), and I’d take care of him, visit her, and spend the night since I worked rotating 12hr shifts and it cut down on my travel time. She started asking me to move back in shortly after I moved out.
Cut to now. I left that job to a better one that’s only about 12 miles away from my new house. I still come up twice a week, but I’ve tried to just visit for maybe dinner with her, but this isn’t good enough. She’s recently started saying I can move into the basement and get my old job back.
Everything about this house is toxic to me. She is a staunch republican, devoted Baptist, and has an bad habit of using “I’m the parent and you’re the child” to try and win arguments. I’ve told her I’m not moving back in, directly to her face, and she still wont drop the subject. We’ve gotten into shouting matches because me defending myself comes off as “you don’t respect me. I’ve done so much for you. I hope your kids treat you like shit, just like you treat me. I’m not going to be alive forever, and you’ll regret not spending time with me.” I’m honestly over it because I have no other way to get it through to her without being an absolute asshole.
I would try counseling, but she won’t go. She thinks that she is absolutely not in the wrong since she’s “the parent”. I’ve tried just telling her in a calm, civil way that I don’t want to move back in because of dot, dot, dot; didn’t work, she starts arguing about it.
I’m just at a loss. Any advice would be appreciated.
Tl;dr: mother won’t cut the umbilical cord, wants me to move back in. Won’t take no for an answer.
4 comments
Can’t tell you anything you haven’t already told yourself. You are a 34 year old man. Time to start acting like it. Your mother treats you like this because you have trained her to think it is acceptable. That is the nature of co-dependency and enabling behavior. Stop being the victim. Repeat after me. “Mom, I am not moving back in.”
Quit entertaining the conversation. Next time say “asked and answered” or “we’ve had this conversation, no. End of discussion. If you keep bringing it up, I’ll need to cut my visits.”
Or something to that affect. You may need to cut visits short. Or if she still brings it up “mom, I’m going to leave if you bring this up any more” and then leave and follow through if she does.
You may need to actually go low contact for a while.
She’s not respecting you as an adult, and that’s not ok. Doesn’t matter if she’s the parent and you the child, you’re an adult.
No is a complete sentence. Just because she won’t take no for an answer doesn’t mean you have to entertain the conversation. If she starts asking? Hang up. Leave. Get in your car and drive away.
If she wants a relationship, then she will drop it.
>I’ve tried just telling her in a calm, civil way that I don’t want to move back in because of dot, dot, dot; didn’t work, she starts arguing about it.
Stop explaining. Do not Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain anything. Simply, “No”. End of discussion.
>We’ve gotten into shouting matches because me defending myself comes off as “you don’t respect me. I’ve done so much for you. I hope your kids treat you like shit, just like you treat me. I’m not going to be alive forever, and you’ll regret not spending time with me.”
You need to visit /r/raisedbynarcississts yesterday. This is your standard emotional abuse and it’s not right but there are tools to help make your life easier, even if she doesn’t like it. Your mother is not ever going to be able to do what’s best for you. You have to advocate for yourself because she is a very selfish, self centered person and you can’t reason with unreasonable people.
You don’t tell her. You already told her several times, so now you just start handing her consequences. The issue here is that your mother, like mine, does not see you as an adult and likely as a human being at all. To her, you are a pawn in the game. She believes that, even at 34, you owe her absolute obedience. Time to start DEMONSTRATING that you do not owe her anything of the sort.
If she brings it up again, tell her you are not talking about that, you answer is final and there is nothing to discuss. If she tries to continue, tell her you will leave, and do if she ignores you. If she uses the “I am your mother” BS, you answer should be “And I am a grown ass man, independent and I do as I wish. If you do not like it, I can cut you out of my life right this fucking second. I do not owe you absolute obedience and I am ready to show you how fucking serious I am.”
Giving your mother the white glove treatment is only feeding into her fantasy that somehow there is a ranking in your relationship and she comes first. You are going to have to take your power and realize that the only power she has over you is the one you give her. Stop catering to her feelings. If she is hurt because you put her in her place, we’ll, tough shit; next time treat me like an adult and we will not be in this this position. If she accuses you of being disrespectful, remind her respect is a 2-way street and at this point in her life she is in the EARNED stage of her life and not in the DEMAND stage.
You are not going to get anything by attempting to reason with her. Mark my words. I have had to do the same with my mother and have not spoken to her since the week before Christmas, and I do not miss her.