I’m going to call my ex “Jamie” (obviously not her real name)
Jamie and I met junior year of college and got serious pretty quickly. We moved in together senior year and lived together up until a few months ago. We were happy with our biggest struggle being figuring out our intimate life (for a while I had a much higher sex drive than her), but I loved her enough to work with that. We were making steps toward advancing our lives for a while (new jobs, saving for a condo, putting in an application to adopt a dog) when I was in a major car accident. My pelvis was fractured in multiple places. I was pretty much reliant on Jamie during my recovery— cooking, cleaning, getting me from the orthopedic to physical rehab— for almost a year. Jamie took pride in taking care of me and was a huge support to me when I became depressed or frustrated. She believed in my recovery and eventually went back to work full time and at about 18 months after the accident, I was returning to all my normal activities and our sex life returned to normal. That lasted about six months when I started experiencing pain due to complications. It got progressively worse and I began to rely on Jamie again. Once again she helped and supported me and held me when I cried when I was afraid I would never get better. I struggled with serious depression around the pain. She was there through it all. it was a year into this that I asked Jamie to marry me. I thought someone who loved me this much, was the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. Jamie said yes, cried, and literally told everyone we ever met about it. She seemed so excited. I was set to have surgery in March 2020 to correct the malunion causing the pain, we’d then get married in August 2021. Covid put our plans on hold.
I continued to rely on Jamie and she continued to talk about our wedding. I still struggled with depression, but I had someone and a plan for when Covid was gone.
I finally was able to reschedule my surgery for September 2021.
Everything was going well. In August 2021 we put in an offer for a small fixer upper Jamie was looking forward to remodeling. A few days after putting in the offer, Jaimie out of the blue said she didn’t want to be with me. She was sick of putting the majority of effort into our relationship and being my emotional crutch. I burst into tears saying I was almost past this. I was going to have surgery in a month. We could rebuild our life. She became angry at my emotional reaction and said we were hopeless and that me being in pain got in the way of our sex life and was holding her back. She moved out the three days later to stay on her brothers couch (her brother didn’t know she ended our relationship until she showed up with her bags). We had to still talk to figure stuff out (shared bank account, credit card, rental storage space) and had to meet up a couple time to exchange some stuff. she was so cold, never showed a drop of emotion, and got angry when I asked if she missed me or even cared how much I was hurting. I haven’t seen her since October and have tried a few times to reach out. I’ve told her how much I was heart broken and how much I loved her. Jaimie just seemed annoyed and told me I was just making things worse.
It’s been 9 months. I’ve had surgery and finished physical rehab. some pain is still there, but I’m slowly getting my life back.
Im considering dating again but am not over Jamie. I miss her. She hurt me so bad, but I still love her and I’m so angry at myself for that. I feel like it came of of nowhere and I’m struggling to trust people. I truly trusted her with all I was made of, and then was blindsided by her unhappiness. I don’t trust my own reality anymore. I thought one thing and it was obviously so wrong. I feel like a failure and am terrified of dating again at 33 (I haven’t been on a date in 13 years).
Jamie is never going to give me closure. She won’t talk to me anymore. (the closest I got to closure was Jamie’s brother saying he doesn’t know what happened either and that she won’t talk about it).
I’m depressed and my friends are sick of my heart break. None of them were in a relationship longer than a couple years, and are mostly happily married. they never really got it.
I’m looking for advice on how to begin to build a relationship where I can trust someone again. How do I move on from something that feels like I should be over already? What if I don’t see someone’s unhappiness again?
5 comments
Please seek therapy, it sounds like you would really benefit from someone helping you with your journey with depression. Sometimes working with a professional can take the unintended burden off of your support system. Hang in there, OP! She’s made space for you to find your soulmate, that’s a good thing.
So sorry you’re going through this heart break.
Seeking therapy to talk out all of your emotions would be very beneficial to moving on & getting over your ex.
From your post it sounds like you had a wonderful partner who took care of you when you were most vulnerable. You had someone who loved you and showed you off. But after time got tired of taking care of you because you didn’t give her the same emotional support.
After you guys were broken up you asked her if “she missed you” ???? Did you ask her how SHES doing, how she’s feeling, thanking her for all the care she gave you, asking her about the emotional toll it took on her, etc etc.
It seems obvious that this was a one sided relationship and from your post your STILL making this about yourself. How sad
I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. Relationships are so hard and it definitely seems like this relationship was formed around a deep connection. However, I don’t think this woman was the right woman for you. Despite the fact that she was caring for you and she went out of her way to do that there was no justifiable reason for her to accuse you of holding her back when you were literally incapacitated. Please reach out to sometime, anyone; friends, family, your support system. You deserve someone who is happy to care for you without the unnecessary resentment.
33 isn’t that old and closure is a myth.
I am really sorry you’re going through this but it sounds like Jamie wound up feeling like she had a patient instead of a partner having to be your primary caretaker.
And even more sorry that your support system is failing you, and your friends just seem sick of your pain.
Have you done anything to try to move on and cope in a healthy way that your friends could support you through?
Therapy, a new hobby etc.
Might get downvoted and it may be a dick thing to say but between Jamie being your caretaker, you saying she said she was tired of being your emotional crutch and you mentioning your friends being sick of your heartbreak. Do you often make people in your life responsible for helping you when a professional may be the better option?
It’s seeming like a pattern you may want to examine and address.