Yesterday, I heard my 13 year old daughter on the phone with her dads girlfriend talking about her dad and brother. His girlfriend was telling my daughter that her dad was hitting things in the kitchen because they were fighting the night before. It was over my son (11) and how his relationship with his dad is always the source of their fights and she’s tired of it. She was saying she’s tired of her dad and tired of being treated like shit by him.
Maybe I was wrong for doing this, I don’t know but I figured it would be better for him to talk to his girlfriend rather than me. She is extremely volatile and is one of those people that screams in faces pointing her finger during an argument. My daughter once sent me a video of them fighting and she kicked him out of the car and was screaming out the window. I have always tried to be civil towards her and I even agreed to watch her kids for an entire week so they didn’t have to miss work when school was out. Even though my husband now did not understand why I would watch her kids, I did because I felt like it was the right thing to do since I was home. Anyways, I texted my ex and just said that I would talk to our daughter and could he please talk to his girlfriend about not using our daughter to vent about their relationship problems. That it puts unnecessary stress on her and she shouldn’t be worried about that type of stuff.
Later on that evening, she texted me. Like the unhinged person she is, she threatened to “handle me and I have it coming”. My husband is a martial arts instructor in the marines and he has taught myself and my children to defend ourselves and fighting techniques. I am not worried about myself but she has a deep dislike for my son and constantly complains about him screaming at his dad about how she can’t stand him. I asked my daughter if I could look at their messages and she agreed. There were hundreds and hundreds of messages from his girlfriend that were inappropriate. Things such as asking my daughter to push him to propose to her, sending her pictures of a bruise he supposedly put on her, paragraphs of complaining about my son and how annoying he is with his dad and how she wishes he would stop coming over, complaining that she pays more bills than my ex, how my ex treats her kids poorly but treats her and her brother like royalty, asking about our marriage when together and all his girlfriends after that like how he was with us, etc.. but she also told my daughter that she was going to come to our house and drag me out of the house and beat me down). Technically, she can’t do this. We live on base and she does not have access. My daughter was not completely innocent. She was responding with gossip too. But, she’s 13. A lot of messages to my daughter started with “I know you’re just 13 and I shouldn’t be complaining to you but….”. Of course she also has my daughter believing that myself and her dad and brother are jealous of their relationship. I personally want my ex husband to be happy and treated well along with our kids by whoever he dates. It is irritating to see her talk the way she does to him in front of our kids and her own kids. I want my kids to have a good relationship with whoever he dates. I want to be able to trust that person. But this is not the case. He has had ex girlfriends that I really liked because they were normal and didn’t try to make him choose between them and the kids. I also found out through their messages that her dad caught her at a drug house (yes, she actually admitted this to a child). I could go on and on about the absurdness of these messages.
So I need some advice. . I have full custody so I don’t have to let them go over there but they do enjoy spending time with their dad. He lives with this nut. I have some fear that she will hurt my kids especially my son to try to hurt his dad or because she is so irrational. Plus, there is a lot of drinking and possible drug use over there I now know. If I tell them they can’t go over there, my daughter will not understand it’s for their safety. My ex husband is similar to his girlfriend in he will give me a hard time and try to tell me kids that I’m keeping them from him for reasons other than the truth. I’ve already made up my mind that they can see their dad but not at his house. If his girlfriend is going to be there it has to be in public setting.
How do I navigate this when explaining to my kids? My son probably won’t care as he hates his dads girlfriend but my daughter thinks that his girlfriend is her friend and that she can trust her. Obviously I’ve told her otherwise but I don’t think I’m getting through to her. I’m also going to schedule an appt with a family therapist for us after I know how much they’ve been exposed to. My husband is leaving for a 6 month deployment and I will be alone to deal with this with crazy woman and I have my older kids plus 3 toddler multiples.