Looking for mature advice. Here is the long story.
My wife (29) and I (31) have been together for 6 years. When we met, we both had nothing. I was a struggling artist/entrepreneur literally living in his office, building a company. She was a talented artist living with her parents who didn’t know where to start. We met each other and fell in love. Through thick and thin we lived in my work studio overcoming some very difficult times and stressful situations.
But through it all, even when we were dead broke, we loved and supported one another to achieve our goals (even though she would occasionally shame me when we had no money). I took care of every single expense and bill for the both of us no matter how difficult it was without complaints. I wanted her to have the complete freedom to focus on her art career while I build the company. Even at the cost my mental health, physical health, family relationships, I would give everything I had to succeed together.
6 Years later, we have become very successful. I created a half a million dollar company and can make 5k-8k a month. She has achieved her dreams and is a very popular and successful artist who can make 5k-8k a month. We have traveled anywhere our hearts desired. We finally purchased a home with our money (my company). We have privacy, security, and a large forest that she has dreamed of. Life is good right?
In the midst of moving in, my company had to recover from such a large purchase. I took out all my savings and business savings to make this purchase happen for us. Basically “I” made us “house poor”. This means my monthly earnings have dropped considerably from 5k to around $1600 a month for 6 months to keep the company afloat until it picks up again in the spring. To keep up with the new bills, my wife has to finally pay bills with her art career. First month was fine…but we are only on the third month… and she’s snapping.
“I didn’t sign up for this.”
“You are the male, I’m the female. Females aren’t supposed to work like this.”
“I need to talk to someone about this.”
“You’re not attractive when I’m the bread winner.”
“I can’t be in my feminine energy if I have to play a masculine role.”
“You don’t ever help me. You don’t want to help me.”
The comments have become increasingly shaming and emasculating. Its our first home, of course its going to be a stressful year navigating this new season in our life. I try to remind her that she has never had to worry about bills EVER and for the first time in 6 years I really need her support financially since she has become very successful in the years that I’ve covered everything and that we made a decision together when buying this property. Let’s try to stay positive through this.
Mind you I’m helping with marketing her work, holding her hand every other day throughout the process, massages everyday, coffee and food every morning, antiquing every week to get her out of the house, giving her space to focus.
I also want to mention that as a man, I’m learning so many new things in the process as first time home owner. Renovating all the rooms in the home that piss her off. Learning how to do sheet rock and flooring as an artist.. becoming this new handyman slave to appease her. Chopping trees down, logging, stacking cords of wood to keep us warm for the winter. AT THE SAME TIME, creating another personal business to help generate more income. The list is really endless and even though I am not mentally OK and my anxiety is quietly through the roof, I really do take pride in all this. I want to to go to therapy together but we can’t afford that at the moment.
Where do I go from here? I expected her to be compassionate with me and to understand the consequences for the home purchase we made together. But it makes me feel like everything was a lie and that it was my ability to make money that kept her sane. I’m not sure I want to be with someone who only loves me for being a bread winner instead of all the hard work and sacrifices I’ve/we’ve made to get us here..
I can’t ignore this anger and contempt that’s being built up inside me. I’d rather suffer with bills alone than have my wife tell me I’m unattractive and not masculine in a vulnerable season in my life.. Am I overacting? Is she just pouting and manipulatively shaming me? Did I pamper her too much? Is she comparing me to other men on Instagram too much? Do I need to be a better leader? Is this just another season in our marriage?
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