My girlfriend and have been through a lot of rough patches. 4 months into our relationship we had an abortion. It sucked and understandably its affected our sex life. Eventually we decided that I forgo initiating sex completely to assure sexual contact only happens when she’s comfortable.
It has been a year now and things have gotten better as far as frequency goes. Last month we had a normal amount of sex. I can’t say it’s the best sex I’ve ever had , I have anxiety over pregnancy which inhibits how good it feels for me.
I would say I have a much higher libido and to cope I turn my expectations for sex to zero and masturbate when I’m in the mood. At first it made me really sad but now I’ve just accepted that this is how things are gonna be.
When we do have sex she initiates by using her toy around me and sometimes touching me.
This morning she woke up to grab her toy and brought it back into the bed. Used it , touched me , orgasmed then rolled over to lay on me and stopped touching me.
I was upset and told her it sucks getting worked up like that if it doesn’t go anywhere.
(I did not try to initiate or ask for any sexual favors , just stating my frustration. I did try to get up and leave but she didn’t let me.)
She said I could just jerk off and that she doesn’t want to feel pressured .
Am I wrong for being upset or is this something that is not okay to be mad over ?
If I’m being honest our whole sex life is a complete let down. I think if she wasn’t such a good partner I wouldn’t be able to stay in it. I feel sad and sometimes feel resentful over how unsatisfying the sex life is but I remember that we have had this trauma and I cannot fault her.
6 comments
She’s using you and your foolish to stay with her and justify it all
I’d be mad too, if I wasn’t allowed to initiate sex and it was totally up to my partner’s whims whenever she felt like it, and then she teased me while she masturbated and left me hanging. That is pretty fucked up.
If that’s her way of initiating (kinda weird, personal opinion), what are you doing while she using the toy? Just lying there, hoping? Maybe I’m not understanding what’s stopping you from responding before it’s over 🤷🏻♀️
Yes you are allowed to have feelings.
Google ‘trauma bonding’. Just because you shared a trauma does not mean you need to stay together. It’s unhealthy. Break-up.
She’s behaving selfishly in my opinion and you’ve pushed down your feelings to accommodate hers. You’re not compatible and there’s no guilt in that. Move on.
> I feel sad and sometimes feel resentful over how unsatisfying the sex life is but I remember that we have had this trauma and I cannot fault her
That is an INCREDIBLY unhealthy mindset to approach both sex and a relationship with. having trauma doesn’t give you a pass to neglect/dismiss your partner’s concerns. Regardless of this situation I encourage you not to think like that.
Having consideration for a partner’s trauma is a good thing and it requires navigating complicated feelings yes. But it shouldn’t hit a point where you feel unable to express your own feelings with them. Your feelings do not default become secondary.
As for your situation (aside from the curiosity of how you are supposed to jerk off if she rolled on top of you…unless she was implying you jerk off on her), while sex isn’t the end all be all of a relationship it is important. If you are completely unsatisfied with it then something needs to change.
You say you don’t mind the frequency (the last month being a normal amount part), and it’s less her but your own fears about pregnancy that get in your own head that takes you out of the moment. It’s not easy to pin down what exactly you’re upset about 9because you say frequency has gotten better but then say you’ve turned your expectations to zero) but if I were to hazard a guess it’s that agreement you both had sex is only ever initiated on her time.
Do you maybe feel like you’re in the wrong for wanting sex more with her? help me understand what’s at the heart of your frustration