I have learned my partner of three years has been interacting with a girl on instagram who he may or may not know in real life. I have never heard of her, but in her bio she has her profession and place of work (outside of OF) and it’s not improbable that her and my partner may have worked together at some point.
Essentially I saw on his phone he’d downloaded Tor when I pulled down to search for an app to find out train times for him. He was standing a few feet away rushing to get ready for work. This was super striking to me as he is not tech savvy at all and I was shocked he would even know what it was, and couldn’t imagine what kind of reason he would download it for. I wish in this moment I would have just asked him about it, but in a split second I opted to open it instead. When I opened it it was open on an OF profile. Again, I made a split second decision in my shock and I immediately went to look up the person on instagram, and right there were messages between them from less than an hour ago. All I saw was something that didn’t make sense out of context from him (like a response to a previous message that had been deleted), and a response from her that said “It was nice to hear from you”.
I was so shocked by this and panicked in the moment – I wanted to immediately ask what it was about, but he was about to leave for work and I didn’t want to bring something like that up when he was running late and needed to leave. But now I also feel myself spiralling. I feel shocked and confused. I do feel guilty for looking. I wouldn’t say it was opportunistic as we are not private with our phones at all. It’s not uncommon to use one anothers phones for various reasons. But I did go ahead and give in to my curiosity over just stopping there and asking based on what I did innocently come across (Tor).
I have never had any concerns about my partner. I have never felt particularly jealous because I trust him. I have been in shitty, toxic relationships when I was younger with guys who play the field. My partner just isn’t (?) one of them.
I want to respectfully discuss this with him but this is such a hairy scenario where I have found out about this by breaching his trust. Part of me thinks I should avoid bringing it up directly, but instead speak to him about our relationship generally and try to understand if there is perhaps reasons he might be looking for validation/sexual fulfilment/whatever it is elsewhere. If I’d just seen he’d been looking at porn or something it wouldn’t have bothered me. In fact, I find him quite conservative so it probably would have been exciting for me that he was being more explorative. But, the conversing with someone seems much more personal, especially given they do seem to know each other, and given she is on OF. Naturally I have now stalked her instagram and OF (from what is available on public), and she appears to be engaged. The plot thickens. Do you have any advice as to how I can approach this with him?
**TL:DR: My partner is messaging someone he (probably) knows who is on OF and accessing her OF. I feel shocked and hurt by this but don’t know how to go about bringing it up in the least inflammatory way possible given I found this out by seeing private messages on his phone. How can I approach this? Do I approach this?**
9 comments
Well, he downloaded a different internet app just to look at OF, most likely paying a subscription to see this one girl he talks to and follows get naked, hasnt told you any of it.. id just talk to him straight up. “Hey, i was looking for this, saw this and i clicked it” if i were you I wouldnt bring up that you saw their insta messages, just give him a chance to explain the OF and see if he tells you the story on his own
He deleted those conversations because there’s something there he did not want on record. Think about that.
Why are u so afraid to bring this up directly? You’ve been dating 3 years and he’s doing shady stuff that’s completely inappropriate and unforgivable. U shouldn’t be scared to say anything to ur partner of 3 years. That’s red flag #1. The main 🚩 is ur bf.
Sounds like he is paying her money and getting personal with her and hiding it. This wouldn’t be ok with me at all.
It’s extremely unlikely he knows her, OF isn’t that much different than porn(that you access other ways), the vast majority of accounts are managed by groups of people, not the models. It’s fair enough to be upset he pays for porn when there is a sea of free content. But he doesn’t know her and more than likely isn’t talking to her.
why do u need to be respectful when he isnt
Yes, you talk to him immediately
No need to “confront”, that’s never useful. Talk and listen. And if you don’t like him actively chatting with sex workers, draw a line in the sand and enforce it.
You should just break up with him, don’t beg for respect and consideration.
Why is he on OF if he’s with you?
Confront him, you have to have some self respect here he clearly has none for you, doesn’t matter how you found out, you did and it’s not right
He’s cheating on you, get rid of him