For a little over a year and a half now, I’ve realized that I’m a cuckquean.
It took a lot of convincing for my bf to believe that I wasn’t just setting him up, but now he’s really into the idea. What I wasn’t prepared for was how all consuming of a kink it is. All I can think about is him fucking other women and he unfortunately hasn’t yet 🙁 Turns out it’s a lot harder than people think to just find someone willing to fuck another woman’s man and we just don’t have the funds right now for a good escort, so yeah the tensions been killing me.
So I’ve had to settle with different means of fueling that high. He’s been sending money (really not that much, we’re not that stupid) to women for nudes over texts, using onlyfans and that rush of euphoria that hits after the initial heartbreak is addicting. I don’t know why, but his disregard for my emotions while jerking off to other women he paid to see instead of looking at my own nudes is an immediate turn on. It drives me fucking insane.
After a ton of reassurance on my part, I’ve even gotten him comfortable with telling me about the women he finds sexy at work or just out in public. It gives me butterflies. One day I’d like to see if he’d be willing to say awful things about my body and how I don’t compare to them in the slightest. Pathetic isn’t it? You know what’s even more pathetic? Lately I’ve been fantasizing nonstop about him lying and saying that he’s hanging out with his friends when in reality he’s going somewhere to fuck someone else, just for him to casually admit to it when he gets back home like he went out for groceries or something. It makes me want to bawl my eyes out and use the mental image as masturbation material at the same time. I just want it to happen already grrr
I don’t even know how I’d explain our dynamic to some normal person. I don’t even know what our dynamic would be categorized as and it’s hard finding likeminded women. Our relationship is healthy outside of all this. We still have sex, we still spend time together and love one another. Hes the most amazing man I could have ever asked for and I trust him a lot.
If you’ve toyed with emotional masochism in a relationship before, what was your experience? Did it last in the long run? How did you find a balance between emotionally tormenting yourself as a kink while still maintaining a respectful relationship?