TL;DR : My girlfriend needs me to check in with her and be more verbal when she’s upset to feel cared for. I’ve been trying to change but she doesn’t feel like I’m trying and wants to leave.
We’ve been together for a year and a half now and the same point keeps coming up in arguments.
I struggle with anxiety and depression and I’ve been working hard in therapy to be more vocal about emotions and react better to others. I mention this because I know that I don’t get it right and I am trying to fix it.
At the beginning of our relationship when my girlfriend would be upset I would make jokes or stay quiet so she could talk if she wanted to. She told me this wasn’t helpful and I stopped making jokes immediately but I do struggle not being quiet in the face of her upset sometimes. I think partly because I’m not sure what to say and because I’m worried about making her feel worse. She had told me she needs me to talk to her when she’s upset and comfort her. I have been trying to do this, but I don’t always get it right. Especially if she’s angry at me then I sometimes freeze. I’ve tried to explain that I’m trying to work through the thoughts and feelings that cause that reaction in therapy so that I can act better, but she is upset and says that if I actually cared I would just do it.
I want to do better and comfort her the way she needs, but sometimes my words get stuck or she is already so mad at me that I feel like nothing I will do can help. I suggested couples counselling but after one session she said she didn’t want to go back.
She is now saying she’s at the end of her patience and that she will leave me if things don’t change. I need to prove to her that I understand what she needs and what I’m doing to change things. She has said the therapy stuff is personal growth stuff and doesn’t actually show her anything.
She doesn’t trust me with her feelings because I have been quiet, reacted badly in the past. I’m trying to fix that. She feels that I’m actually not trying and that I don’t care about her.
I need advice on how best to comfort her when she’s upset, and how to show her solid change for good. I love her a lot and I want to be with her, but mostly I want her to be happy