Ok, so this is going to be a mess. Who ever reads this, thank you and i’m sorry lol. I’m a 19 yr old dude, an the only way i can make sense of this jumbled mess is starting from the top, i’ll make it short don’t worry. When i was in elementary school I noticed I got my attention by making people laugh, it would make my entire day. But it wasn’t easy and it almost always took a toll on me because if i couldn’t make the class laugh i’d have a horrible day, constantly sitting there thinking about what could be funny, sometimes it worked sometimes it didn’t. But if someone else was funny too i’d get sad, as if nobody else was allowed to be funny, it created a competition. A decade and a half later i still sit with the same problem. Sometimes I can get myself out of my head and have a normal conversation, but in that conversation i am wondering what i can say to make it funny, this can hinder me from actually listening at some points, hence why i was so bad at school. It’s Bizzare and takes all the energy out of me. This stops me from doing normal things because my brain is constantly thinking about how to be funny instead of taking care of myself. IT IS AN OBSESSION! I have resorted to trying to say things that only i would laugh at but sometimes i just don’t see anything funny but then someone else busts a joke out that i didn’t even think of, this starts my brain into a spiral where i think down on myself, i start telling myself i’m not funny.
Ok so then here’s where it gets even more complicated, being in relationships. At the beginning it starts so smooth, i make my girlfriend laugh it’s always good vibes but i start overthinking more and more as it goes on, to the point where i end up trying to say or do something funny and it ends up being annoying. I pick up on this and it makes it, WORSE AND WORSE. To the point where i can’t even recall a conversation because i was a sweaty mess focusing on how to make my girlfriend laugh. My longest relationship was 4 months, THEY ALL END AROUND THAT TIME. The girl loses attraction from me, presumably because i am trying too hard to be funny, i don’t have any hobbies or things i do because i’m constantly trying to find material that’s funny so i can make someone laugh. Before i hang out with someone i try to think about something funny that happened to me and my brain goes blank. I leave my girlfriends texts there for a while because i don’t know how to respond. And when someone else if funny i get jealous instead of enjoying the moment, what is wrong with my brain?!?!
PLEASE ANY ADVICE MY BRAIN IS RUNNING CIRCLES IN QUICK SAND AND I CANT STOP IT
i just called a coinciding center
1 comment
It’s good that you’re being self-reflective about all of this and acknowledging how unfair this is to yourself and others. Conversations are not a zero sum game.
Have you ever been diagnosed with ADHD? I’m not saying that that’s what is behind all of this, but it does seem like your brain is fixated on whatever is going to give you a dopamine boost (the high you get with other people’s laughter and approval, finding that clever thing to say that you know will get a laugh). I’ve been there and only realized at 42 years of age that I might have ADHD, which I’ve now been diagnosed with. Cognitive behavioral therapy and meds can really make a difference, if that’s the case. It can be a small shift in routine but your world can open up dramatically.
You’re more than just a one-liner and I hope that whatever is behind this behavior, you’re able to step out from your own shadow and become a better listener – who happens to occasionally say something absolutely hilarious. After all, nothing is less funny than watching a person try too hard to be funny.