I am in a bad place after a rough first sexual experience with my ex. I just wanted to share my story and see if others could maybe offer some insights. About a year ago I met this amazing girl. I had never been in a relationship before but had gone on a bunch of dates. I remember enjoying our time together and having fun but it wasn’t like the crazy movie-like butterflies I felt with some other girls. I told myself it was fine because it was unrealistic to only limit myself to these types of relationships. We went on dates and got closer, and I have very fond memories of those early times. I want to note that while it was fun, I never had any sexual thoughts about her. I felt as if it wasn’t important, maybe even disrespectful. Our first kiss didn’t give me body chills like with other girls, but I shrugged it off because I was genuinely having a good time with her.
About two months later, we became official. I remember going to take a shower. I went back to the room and we got dressed. I lied down on the bed to rest. She fell ontop of me and somehow we began making out. Things escalated extremely quickly and we took off each others’ clothes. I remember not feeling that excited but not feeling necessarily nervous. It was like “oh shoot it’s happening” vs “YES it’s happening!!”. When things started, I could not get hard. Eventually I needed to finish myself as I literally felt nothing when she did anything.
I began overthinking. Why were the kisses I had with other girls in the past better than any kiss or the sex we had? Is this what sex is? It can’t be, I literally felt nothing physically and sexually. I was really confused because I obviously was emotionally attached to this girl but it seemed like a there was nothing sexually. The overthinking caused me to lose all of my feelings for her in a few days. I don’t think I was aware of it at the time that the sex was the origin, and instead I convinced myself that something was wrong with me. I must have ED and apathy because of a mental/physical condition. I developed really bad health anxiety. She was understanding and said we could work through it.
It was with this narrative of our relationship being attacked by a mystery condition that we ran with. Eventually, I told her that it wasn’t fair for her, that I needed to be alone and heal before being in a relationship.
Only after looking back and working through what happened, do I now think it was all in my head.
I don’t know how to get back to normal. The thought of a relationship or sex gives me major anxiety. Whenever I see a girl who is attractive, I get an instant MASSIVE ick. It’s so bad that even in non-romantic situations, I get the ick. For example, if I see some random dude who has bad style, it literally make me so uncomfortable and angry.
Writing this makes me feel so dumb cause I was literally BUGGING and it ruined my life like why can’t I just be a normal ass person. So now I have major commitment issues and yea… Has anyone went through something similar? If so how did you work through it?
TLDR: First time sex was so disappointing that it led to me developing major commitment issues.