I will start out with saying that I am confused, and I don’t know if this is the proper subreddit or not. If this isn’t the right reddit and I am breaking rules or being inappropriate I am sorry in advance.
I am a 20 year old female. I don’t mind people seeing me as a woman in everyday life, albeit an androgenous looking woman (I kinda look like Uzaki though, so it’s obvious I’m a girl iykyk), but when it comes to romantic relationships I care.
If you are not of a suitable age or don’t want to read some slightly personal (and embarrassing) details, please don’t read any further.
I think I am pansexual. I do not care what pronouns someone uses or how they identify. If I am interested, I am interested. However, I have had issues getting into physical relationships. And this is also where I am wondering why I am feeling the way I am.
My first boyfriend and I were together for a while and we wanted to start having a physical relationship. I felt like something was missing and it wasn’t right. He never forced me to do anything, thank god, and we ended our relationship after a while due to him telling others about my confusion and discomfort. But while we were experimenting, he mostly was catering to me. I never really did much for him since he was more focused on me and I liked him catering. He touched me all over and kissed me all over, and he also fingered me, but it never felt anything. We never had sex. During our relationship, I wanted to have sex, but I didn’t want him to put it in. Actually, the thought of someone putting it in makes my stomach churn in a negative way. I wanted to top him. In fact, I want to top any person I am interested in. The issue is that I want to have sex with a person as a man, but in my everyday life I am indifferent to how others perceive my gender. However, I am still a virgin, so I guess I don’t really know what I like.
I don’t know if this is the right place to tell this or ask this, but what does this mean? Can anyone direct me towards someone who knows what this means? Has anyone else experienced this? Will I ever have a satisfying romantic relationship if I’m like this?
Thanks for the help. Honestly, any help in this matter is appreciated, but please no hate. If I offended, it’s because I’m naive and ignorant, not malicious.
-RegularMango4037