TLDR at the end, though I recommend reading the whole story just to understand the story better.
So I met this guy (21M) just this year and we’ve became friends pretty easily. During this time I’ve developed a liking for him which has resulted in me developing feeling for him. Now it’s nothing major or cliché like “falling in love” or “I’ve met the love of my life,” or something crazy of that sort. Yet I feel my heartbeat whenever I talk to him but it’s not overpowering, like I still feel sober minded and can think rationally. Though I still feel a small lurch in my heart whenever we talk. I want to speak to him every moment and want to know what he’s thinking (not in a crazy way though). Something so simple like hearing about his day would make me happy. I want to spend time with him and do stuff with him that he enjoys, if that makes sense. We have similar interests with each other and did get along great because of it. We used to call and text when we weren’t together and if we were available at the time.
This is where the problem sets in, there are three major contenders that will never allow me to act on these feelings. I’m not going to be sharing the first one because I don’t have the guts to mention it and it’s too personal, though you can assume what it is.
Two, he is already dating someone, who might I add is a friend of mine. So I wouldn’t want to hurt them or try to break them apart because they’re happy from what I’ve been told. He’s patient with her which I’m happy she found someone like him, considering he’s been the best person she was in a relationship with. Yet I still have the selfish thought lingering in the back of my head, wouldn’t that be nice to have. See I’ve been the person who cares more about the person and is never the first choice, and I always think about how it would be nice to have someone who cares for you equally? It’s selfish I know and I try not to think about it like that however I can’t help it. Also because of his relationship, our friendship has been strained mainly because all his attention was diverted to her (which I’m not saying is a bad thing, but it still hurts to think about). Plus I’m not only one whose relationship with him was strained in the process, I have friends—who are also friends with him—and they also have said that he never hangs out with them or talks to them anymore. He’s only kept one person in our friend group, Dylan (that I know about) close and that’s about it. I’ve tried in the past few months to keep getting closer, but then stopped. Mainly because I felt no motivation to continue talking to him when I felt he wasn’t putting the same amount of effort into our friendship as I was. Also a not-so-fun fact about their relationship is that I was the middleman of it all. They would constantly text me about how they both love each other so much. It was pretty draining to read, while I’m happy that they found each other and are together it still hurts me a bit. They would send me screenshots of their endearing one another messages to and talk about how great the other is. I would always encourage them and validate them despite how I feel.
Now over this course of time, I haven’t even tried to attempt anything higher than friends. I would’ve even been satiated by just being friends and nothing else (though my feelings would torment me about it and yearn for something more but I’m more than okay with being fed by crumbs, it’s better than nothing). But he completely discarded our friendship, the only times when he did want to talk, all he would talk about is his girlfriend. He would mention if he was having problems with her or how she made him feel and how he really loved her and turned to me for advice. And like a good friend, I would give him advice every time to solve the problem. My mental health was also a big issue at this time and would result in my not even wanting to leave my house. I had given up on all of my interests because I wasn’t motivated to do them anymore. When I would go out and see him, I would try to spark up a conversation. Yet it didn’t have any flow or gravity to it and I would awkwardly try to keep it going. In return I would only receive dry responses, which would eventually result in me giving up because I would be too lazy to continue. Those conversations were the worst because it would lead me to question if he even wanted me around.
Also a little information about our friend group dynamic, they are four of us and when we separate for duo’s we’re usually separated into me and this other person who I’ll call Jaiden, and him and Dylan (who I’ve known since junior high and are also close). This is the default for our group, but I just wish one time I would pair off with him. Though I wouldn’t dampen the mood with Jaiden because we get along great and we always have a fun time together anyway so I don’t let it bother me much anyway. There’s never a dull moment when I’m hanging out with Jaiden.
The third thing is that I don’t have any motivation to pursue a relationship. Of course I would want to, but when it’s palpable that the other person doesn’t care to put in effort, or simply doesn’t see me in that way, than I feel less inclined to want to act on my feelings for them. This applies to everyone and anyone. I have dealt with someone like this in the past but I was blinded by my love for them and it never bothered me. Now that we are no longer together, I see clearly and I don’t want to deal with that again. It took me a while to move on because I was so head of heels and couldn’t get them out of my mind. Though on the outside I played as if it was nothing but on the inside it was eating me alive. So I don’t want to go through something like that again. Plus I know I’m not his type, I’m not even the same race as someone he would go for. I have way too many insecurities that I wouldn’t want to burden anyone with. So I don’t think he would like someone who looks like me, to this day I can’t believe I’ve even managed to get in 3 relationships with the way I look and sound. The person I’ve dated has always been prettier than me and I always feel as if I’m holding them back, and I don’t want to do that either. Maybe if I was more appealing than I would’ve been more confident. Compared to my friend who he’s dating, there’s literally no competition.
Now the reason for this post is not to gain sympathy but just to vent because I have no one to tell this too; and to help me get over these feelings. I’m not going to sit around and wait until he becomes single, I just want to get over this because this doesn’t help my mental health at all.
TLDR: Basically I like this guy who is in a relationship with my friend, our relationship has been strained because of it and I now need tips on how to move on.
(Sorry if you didn’t understand some parts, I’m trying to remain as vague as possible because I don’t want the person finding out or anyone who knows me to find out).