I (M34) have been in a relationship with my wonderful fiancee (F30) for \~6 years now and living together for 3+. Our first few years together have been the happiest years of my life and we got engaged about a year ago. Prior to that I had started feeling a bit depressed every now and then. It started with what felt like a general disillusionment with life (a “is this it?” feeling) that would come and go.
In the past few years me and my friends got busier with work, moved away from each other and consequently spend less time together. I feel completely stuck in a monday-friday work routine. Me and my gf still go on many trips together, have common friends, play sports together, the works. And it’s generally been a blast. But it isn’t as exciting anymore as those first years were and we’ve also settled into a bit of a routine.
I’ve reached a point in life where I’m very much settled into a decent job, a nice house, a relationship – I feel like I can now predict what the rest of my life looks like. And it scares me. I’m scared of losing touch with my friends even more, of ending up with a boring life, of my happiness being overly dependent on the companionship of my partner and of that not being enough to make me happy.
I started compulsively checking my own feelings and comparing them to either my own expectations of how I should feel, or to what I imagined other people in happier relationships would feel. This has fueled a downward spiral where every time I don’t feel very happy and content with my life, I’ll immediately jump to blaming my relationship and wondering if I wouldn’t feel happier in a different relationship.
Lately it’s been especially bad. My work is a slog. I mostly live for the weekends but more and more often I’m not my happy energetic self. If I hang out with friends or relative strangers I feel forced to try really hard and I end up having a fun night regardless. But if I go out and do something fun with my girlfriend I have a harder time breaking out of my depressed feelings, leading to me not being the best company and leaving a very high burden on my girlfriend to “entertain me” and snap me out of my misery. It’s an unfair expectation of anyone, and the second she “falls short” of that expectation I go into a compulsive loop of negative thoughts:
\-I feel unhappy
\-What if the problem is my relationship? We’re getting married!
\-Remembering happy times we’ve had together
\-But if I were in a happy relationship I wouldn’t feel unhappy right now
\-If I don’t feel happy and content right now, then I will feel unhappy for the rest of my life, because my relationship is making me unhappy and we’re getting married
I can’t seem to snap out of it. I have so much in life to be happy for but I lately I just feel empty. In my fantasies there is a perfect relationship out there that I would never feel unhappy in. Rationally I don’t think that’s realistic at all and that I desperately want to be happy with what all that I have.
I’ve booked an appointment with a therapist and taking other steps to try and climb out of my depression. But I would love some input from people who have experienced similar feelings or who can simply offer some insight.
Are my expectations from my relationship too high? Is something wrong with me, or is something wrong with my relationship?
TL;DR
I’m depressed and feel unhappy. I’m getting married and the huge commitment scares me. I’m afraid that I’ll always be depressed and unhappy and that it’s because of my relationship.