TW for S/A content. It’s relative context and I’ll keep it brief.
I don’t know if I was S/A’d as I can’t remember well but I had tell-tale signs (this was when I was really young, under 7) such as incontinence, rawness/redness of the labia and other parts in the area (I remember that the doctor wanted vaseline applied daily), trying to put things inside, and I have one vague memory that feels like a dream. I went from an affectionate child to one that had meltdowns when I was hugged.
There is other negative sexual history too. My first relationship as an adult, my childlike appearance was fetishized and I often felt coerced. I had a friend that got handsy in high school even when I didn’t really want him too. I had a friend I experimented with when I was a child.
I also grew up with a hefty sense of modesty in the household. Sex was a taboo topic. I was sometimes shamed for wearing jeans and never dresses or skirts even though other women in my house wore pants too. There were comments frequently about my body.
This is all relevant because as an adult, I sometimes struggle with my sexuality. I can’t stand being undressed sometimes, I have episodes of sex repulsion where seeing cocks makes me sick to my stomach and almost makes me throw up, I cannot sleep naked or in undergarments. Clothes get in the way of initiation sometimes for me but it’s really hard for me to start by laying in a state of undress sometimes. I frequently need background noise or I get in my head, I feel gross and filthy. I often feel disgusted with myself after self-pleasure and try to hide toys so I can’t look at them. I don’t watch porn most of the time because it makes me feel sick and like I need to take a shower. I panic hard if I’m restrained. Needless to say, I’ve never really ventured into kink and I’m very vanilla.
For a few reasons, my therapist suggested I start trying to explore things outside of my comfort zone. Dip my toes into the pool, so to speak, in whatever manner that may look for me.
This is why I’m coming here. I’m kind of struggling to find things that are outside of my comfort zone but not so far outside of my comfort zone to make me repulsed. I know I don’t like anal and I am no where near ready to try restraints. Most of my sex life is toys, PIV in limited positions, fingers, and oral on the rare occasion I’m in the mood for it. I could see if my sexual partners would be interested in recording me as clips for them to keep for themselves for later but I’m not sure. I’ve thought of blindfolds but all the sexual partners I’ve had like seeing my face (and showing my face is something I’ve been trying to do that’s outside of my comfort zone already)
Suffice to say I have very little ideas!
That’s why I came here, to see if anyone has any ideas that are on the softer side. Maybe not kink but definitely are a little less mild, so to speak? I’m fine with rough but given the circumstances, it’s pretty hard to get me open to new things and it’s pretty hard to get me to relax.
Also, the desire and want is there, so it’s a psychological block. I sometimes have to take benzos to relax enough to reach a climax.
EDIT: it is very, very, late for me but I want to say that I have read all the comments so far and I’m deeply appreciative of all the support, encouragement, and advice. You are all very wonderful people. I’ll try to reply to some more comments tomorrow 🙂