I have so many problems right now, but since this is freshest in my mind at the moment, I thought I’d try and tackle it. I’m more or less feeling like I’m an asshole. I know nothing is ever going to happen between us, but there’s something that sticks with me after we spend time together. I feel like a jackass for even feeling like this. Long story short, I fell hard for my friend in grad school, but it was just that initial attraction you have, which I got over. It was a bumpy ride even getting to be friends. After two initial rebuffs following up to her invites and getting rejected, I pulled away, because I was taking the hint that she didn’t even want to be friends. The moment that really confused me was when she suddenly, just said we’re going to dinner, and she dragged me out the next day for nine hours, fell asleep together at a jazz club and it was one of the best nights I had in a long time. I know this sounds confusing, but after I did that, she suddenly seemed interested, we just kept getting closer, and spending more time together. I digress, when we met I was a confused depressed person, who didn’t even want new friends, for a number of reasons, but she changed that mentality. The most confusing bit about all this was that she was/polyamorous and because I was completely oblivious to these things, I had no idea about how to react to her telling me this and then no idea how to react when she started including me with her other lovers…me the only “friend”. She just told me one night, and then things shifted even more. We were essentially working together I thought it all was over I thought I got I got over my friend emotionally. And then we ended up being neighbors for three years and spending most of the pandemic together, just doing random stuff, travelling, throwing parties. We even had keys to each other’s apartments. For a while she’d be at my place half the time when I got home, just there. It was so nice having someone to be close to. The biggest thing, and I know we were/are friends, the biggest attraction was there was/is always equal effort and communication of being excited about things. We did and do still talk about moving to another country. I was never serious about it, but she’s keeps bringing it up.
For some reason everything always came and comes so easily. We made a huge mess in the kitchen, never think twice about doing dishes. Needed to plan a huge dinner, trip, or party, no problem…even if it was loads of work it was loads of fun. Before anyone jumps to any conclusions about her taking advantage of me. It’s the most equal relationship (for lack of a better word) platonic or otherwise I’ve been in. Everything even when one of us spends more money on one another, we make sure to pay each other back. At one point she surprised me with a huge unnecessary gift.
When she moved away, I felt a huge sense of loss. It was the first time I actually cried in a long time. I saw her off, and told her how much everything had meant to me and how much she meant to me. She ran out of her car and gave me one of the longest hugs and a small kiss.
Yes, I did date when we were seeing each other a lot. Nothing ever clicked and I only ever had repeat dates with a few people. It was just luck. Every single date I ended up putting in all the effort, setting plans, following up. I’m fine when people just aren’t interested, and they said as much when I asked them (only happened twice) and we just parted ways. Right now I’m not in a place where I can date.
Over the past two years my life (had fallen apart) has gotten so complex and overwhelming, she’s still there if I need her. Right after she moved away, she offered to drive 6 hrs just to watch a movie with me. Again, I’ve never tried to push things with her, but on occasion when I’ve accidentally (actually accidentally, not a ruse) texted her she responded. I was asking a friend if they wanted to go on a hike as part of another conversation, and she asked me to come visit her and go on a hike. I accidentally texted her twice now when I meant to text an acquaintance who needed to vent, and she called me immediately. I’ve never tried to push it, and make it a point not to burnden her with my crap (I’m dealing with quite a bit I won’t even go into), I think that’s important. I’m honest, but not dramatic. The simple fact of her continued offers to drive 8 hours just to watch a stupid movie with me is touching. Her enthusiasm and smile are just contagious.
She has committed partner now, and we’re also friends, and during the pandemic we went on trips and things as a trio. I’ve thought it over and over in my head, and questioned whether the fact she is very attractive played into the initial attraction was the reason for everything. But I don’t think that would’ve sustained this friendship, if there were more than just a slightly nervous energy. I love the way that she always jokingly corrects me when we’re being snobby and gets the most devilish smile on her face, and the fact she used to jump in the car and yell let’s go on an adventure.
The last time I went to visit her I drove to visit her and go to an event. We spent the whole night walking around the city, and then just both got to hotel and almost immediately crashed, except for the ten minutes where she was telling me jokes and giggling. And then I had the weirdest dream I only half remember about her. I always dream after I spent time with her, it’s weird. She probably knows how I feel, but I just couldn’t stop staring at her at breakfast. Also, it may seem stupid, but the fact she took the bus with me back to where I had to park my car even though she didn’t have to, made me feel good and the constant hugs.
TL;DR: think I’m still in love with my friend. I don’t want to end things, but every time we get together I don’t want it to end and just end up missing her more. I feel like a horrible person contiuing this friend while having these feelings. No one has ever made me feel this way before, and feelings have never lasted this ridiculous amount of time for me.