My apologies, this is a novel. Thank you for taking the time to read this.
I guess I’m just looking for insight or advice, I’d appreciate to hear stories similar to mine.
Will be talking to my doctor this week regarding an abortion. You can receive an abortion up until 24 weeks in my province. This will be my third abortion. Nobody knows the first two were abortions, I said they were miscarriages. I couldn’t hurt my mom and admit I aborted her grandchildren. But she has no idea how terrible my relationship is. Nobody knows about this pregnancy except for my fiancé.
For starters, I absolutely hate myself for allowing myself to get pregnant yet again. It happened on a trip with alcohol involved. I had an appointment booked for an IUD to be inserted the week we returned home. I should have been more careful. I really want children but not with this man. He’s hurt me so many times, I couldn’t possibly count all the times he has. Why I’m still with him you ask? Generational trauma? Low self esteem? Many reasons I guess.
My relationship has never been good. He’s very disrespectful and controlling. He’s called me every name imaginable, used every verbal technique to tear me down emotionally in arguments. Gotten in a verbal, almost physical altercation with my family member when they stood up for me because he was screaming at me in public.
The relationship has recently become unbearable. My body is changing from the pregnancy and it’s incredible to watch but I can’t even feel happy about it because of who the father is. I thought I wanted to keep this baby and that’s why I’m so far along in the pregnancy. If I knew how I feel now, I would have terminated the pregnancy right away to make it easier. But with the excitement of finding out I was pregnant, I was being blissfully ignorant and ignoring the reality of my relationship.
I have many reasons to leave with many incidents over the past 10 years, but this recent one really made me realize I need to end this pregnancy and get out of this relationship.
A few weeks ago, our dog was really sick and he was absolutely livid with me for taking him to the vet because he didn’t want to spend anymore money on our dog. He isn’t financially struggling at all, he has about $200,000 in the bank for reference. My dog was terribly sick, he vomited 30 times, and was losing his ability to walk, I was panicking. I stayed up for 3 nights with our dog because he had to go outside to be sick every 10-15 minutes. I also had to bring him to the ER vet multiple times. I was exhausted and pregnant and he never offered to watch the dog at night so I could get some sleep. Our dog is 2 years old and I love him with all my heart, I even told him I’ll pay for the bills instead of us splitting the bills. He became very angry and controlling because I called the vet for advice, I was trying everything to avoid bringing him in to the vet because he was so angry with me. He would yelp every time we tried to lift him. I told my fiancé to leave him in the living room (as I’ve done for the past 3 nights) since he’s yelping when moved. He continued screaming at me that he wanted the dog in our bedroom. So he lifted our dog and he yelped. With me being pregnant and going on days without any sleep, I was so overstimulated and I screamed at him when I heard our dog yelp. He then raised his closed fist to my head as if he was going to punch me when I yelled. He said it was his instinct to raise his fist because I screamed close to his head.
He’s never actually threatened me physically in 10 years, but of course when he does, I’m pregnant. How sweet of him.
He mistreats me when I’m pregnant. He can’t believe how tired I am and he calls me lazy and he screams at me about how dirty the house is. I am typically a very clean person and I still clean but obviously at a slower pace these days. I am also a nurse and my job and hours are exhausting. I’m also likely anemic right now which isn’t helping with the exhaustion. He knows all of this. We just got in an argument because his dad asked me to help move heavy boxes (his parents don’t know I’m pregnant). He didn’t even offer to get up and help even knowing I’m 4 months pregnant. He just continued playing video games. When I brought this up to him, he said I’m playing my violin and just picking fights with him. He said I’m a capable woman and didn’t need his help.
I am so guilty about having to get an abortion, especially being this far along. But I just can’t watch him treat my kids like this one day. I also can’t have my kids watch me be treated like this. I’m also nervous to get an abortion because I’ll need at least 2 days to recover and he’s going to be so cruel and unsupportive. I’m scared it’ll contribute to my depression post abortion. He’ll call me lazy and he won’t offer to help. I’m not prepared to do this alone again. Thank you if you got this far. Any advice or similar stories is appreciated.