I am 30m, my fiance is 27f, my cousin is 30f.
My cousin and I are very close. Our moms are identical twins so we grew up more like siblings. My cousin is married and has been for like 7ish years and they’ve been trying to have a baby for 6 ish years. They do have a daughter via adoption but have no biological children.
She has miscarried several times and I know this to be fact because I was the one called to clean up the blood before she made it home so she wouldn’t have to see it. She struggles with it a lot and the mention of anyone being pregnant upsets her. She smiles about it to them but she normally cries when it’s just us talking.
I’ve done my best to be there for her because she is like a sister to me.
She miscarried again back in December and ended up having to have several surgeries hopefully to fix the problem. I know she’s been seeing a specialist and is hopeful. However she didn’t say much to me about anything. She didn’t call which was unusual but I just assumed she didn’t want to talk about it at the time.
My fiance and I were talking about miscarriages and fertility stuff because one of her friends had miscarried and my cousin came up. My fiance laughed and said my cousin has never actually miscarried she’s just making it up for sympathy and trying to get attention.
My cousin hates attention and people feeling sorry for her. She says it makes her feel really awkward. Only a few people in the family know about her miscarriages no one extended knows just us ( my parent, hers, and me) and our grandparents. She has never once tried to get attention.
I asked my fiance why she would say that and she said my cousin obviously wants my attention that’s why she is always crying to me and no one else. She also said she has confronted her about it. My cousin never told me my fiance had ever said anything to her about it.
My fiance also said a few other really awful things about my cousin that were creepy implying we had had a sexual or emotional relationship. I was absolutely disgusted because again she’s like my sister but not only that we are very related. That’s just gross.
Anyway now that I’ve been thinking about it I’ve remembered several odd times that my fiance has been rude to my cousin and has pulled me away from talking to her at pretty much every family event.
This doesn’t sit right with me and I am completely rethinking my relationship. I am not sure if we should have another discussion or if I should just end it because I don’t know if I can trust her around my cousin again. My cousin has been hurt enough she doesn’t need someone mocking her or telling her she is lying.
I’m not sure what to do here.
Tdlr- my fiance accused my cousin of lying about miscarriages and confronted her. She also implied we have had a more intimate relationship which is gross and that my cousin was attention seeking specific towards me.
I am not sure if we should have another conversation about it or if I should just move on. This whole thing just doesn’t sit right with me.
50 comments
How long have you been with your fiance? It strikes me as super weird that she would wait until now to say these horrible things about your family if you’ve been together for as long as your cousin has been trying to get pregnant.
The only thing this tells me is your fiance has thought these things shortly after learning about your relationship with your cousin and her pregnancy hardships and every day ever since. In my book that would be a hard DQ and give her the boot.
The whole thing not sitting right with you is your gut feeling. And sometimes we have to listen to that gut feeling because it’s the inner voice in our head yelling at us about something that is painfully obvious, but clouded by emotion.
This is absolutely worth breaking up over.
It’s weird and gross enough that she’s jealous of your cousin. It’s weird and gross enough that she thinks that your cousin is lying about having miscarriages. It’s absolutely hateful and unhinged that she *confronted a grieving woman to accuse her of lying about having miscarriages.*
There’s two extremely large red flags here: first, that your fiance doesn’t trust you around your literal relative and thinks that your close relationship must be an indication that she’s trying to ‘get your attention’ romantically, shows that she has massive insecurities and jealousy issues. Secondly, saying that someone hasn’t had a ‘real’ miscarriage (what does that even mean?) and ridiculing them or accusing them of faking it for attention is disgusting behavior- let alone actually confronting your cousin about it. Your poor cousin must be feeling insanely hurt and confused. Absolutely do not marry this monster.
Your fiancée sounds like a monster
This is horrendous behavior. I can’t even imagine the audacity, selfishness, narcissism, and heartlessness it takes to talk about and treat someone this way. Please meet her in person, take the ring back, and end things now. She has no soul!
I would break up over this. She’s jealous and heartless.
She sounds awful. Take this as an indication of any future compassion she’s going to show any relative who needs your love and support – will she get resentful if you need to help your parents as they age? Will she call your child an attention seeker if they end up neurodivergent or with mental health problems? Will YOU have to “prove it” if you’re ever at a low ebb and need her to support you?
She sounds insecure and lacking in kindness and I certainly wouldn’t want to spend my future with someone like that.
Leave, that’s all I have to say
Break up with her. She’s not a nice person.
She’s shown you who she really is. Believe her and break up. She’s a terrible person.
There’s a reason your cousin isn’t confiding in you any more. I’d be ditching the fiancée and letting the cousin know you’ve got her back. This is unacceptable, all of it.
Dump this woman. She’s vile
She is disgusting and lacks respect and sympathy. Do not marry her.
This is a monstrous thing to say about anyone, and it is clear that your fiancée is jealous of your cousin, which is incredibly disturbing.
>My cousin and I are very close. Our moms are identical twins so we grew up more like siblings.
Genetically, cousins from identical twins are indistinguishable from siblings. That’s your sister, bro
Fuck your fiancee, she’s a horrible person
Ask yourself, do you really want to be married to someone who would think these things?
Your fiance is a ghoul. What a vile person she must be.
I have to agree with the consensus, she is in plan English a heartless bit*h! It’s bad enough to imply you have an inappropriate relationship with your cousin but to go to her and tell her she is lieing about something so traumatic is unexceptionable! You need to get rid of her then go to your cousin and beg for her forgiveness and tell her you had no idea she did what she had done!
Leave. There’s plenty of comments here about why, but here’s another- can you imagine your fiance being supportive and helpful if your cousin needed a place to stay? Would your hardships become y’all’s hardships, or would you be judged?
Personally I wouldn’t bother with another conversation unless it was a breakup conversation to explain to them why I’m ending it for their own personal growth, which they’ll have to learn on their own.
Usually I would say no one is perfect and every relationship you have to work through all kinds of issues but:
– we’re human and even the best of us get jealous; but given that for over a year she didn’t tell you of her concerns about your relationship with your cousins shows she is immature
– her comments about your cousin using her miscarriage for attention are just terrible views to have and is telling of her ignorance but vindictiveness as it sounds like part of her motivation to adopt such views is to justify her jealousy, not to mention her lack of empathy to the pain your cousin has experienced as it doesn’t suit the false narrative she is trying to build
– the fact she didn’t own up to how she has been trying to subtly and slowly destroy your relationship with you cousin is manipulative
– going behind your back to say who knows what to your cousin is crossing a lot of boundaries that a good partner would respect and to me would destroy trust
Your gut is right, some people may tell you it’s not big enough to break up over but for me, manipulation is one of the worst qualities a partner can have as trust may be close to impossible to truly have.
And I don’t judge a person by how they treat those they like, but by how they treat those they don’t like. You could very well end up there one day too.
Lastly and most importantly, do it because if you don’t, you may not have a relationship anymore with your cousin. If a partner doesn’t respect the people I love and respect, then they aren’t the right partner for me. And please go and and have an open conversation with your cousin to find out what has been said or done to her by your fiancee and try to fix what your fiancee has done.
Holy shit what a nasty thing to even think of someone let alone say that shit out loud. She’s got a nasty spirit dude run. Check on your cousin see what your ex fiance has said to her without you around.
Huge, huge red flags here.
Your fiancée is already starting to sow seeds of discord, and she will put up a fuss later when your family needs your support, and when you need her support. And she will under-appreciate it when you support her, even if you do backflips on broken glass to do so.
If you marry her, you are walking yourself and your future children into a life of toxicity and misery. And the rest of your family, too.
I’m not one of those Redditors who shouts “Leave ‘em, they’re trash!” at the smallest problem – these are big problems, and this one is pretty clear-cut.
I’m so sorry, OP – but thank goodness you saw the signs and can turn around before you go over the cliff.
If she’s jealous of your cousin/sister, what happens when you have a daughter? What about a female boss/coworker? What about ladies at the gym, the female grocery clerk?
She’s got a bad jealousy streak, and will probably make you fucking miserable. And she’s shown she’ll talk to these people behind your back. She’s going to isolate you from everyone.
If it were me, I’d be running for the door.
You can’t trust her around your cousin ever again. She’s not the type of person to think reasonably and she has some possessive tendencies which can’t be fixed. She’s obviously jealous of your relationship with your cousin and is in someways trying to sexualise it and make it inappropriate. You should talk with your cousin and be honest about what’s going on to find out what she has been saying to her. Once you know everything then you can figure out how to move forward.
Ok so since everyone has posted leave (which you should do btw), let’s take a second to say you stay.
Are you prepared to cut your relationship with your cousin down to minimal? While fiancé hasn’t outright made you choose, that’s where this is headed. Right now you are simply fortunate enough to get to make this choice instead of blindly looking up a few years from now and wondering what happened and why you and cousin aren’t nearly as close anymore.
Also in the land of if you stay, please keep in mind that fiancé will absolutely rub future pregnancies in cousin’s face. It’s all but guaranteed to be the response when you factor in her thinking it’s made up for your attention/inappropriate relationship.
You do know what you need to do. Break it off. No contact. No reasons. She will just create a ton of drama and say more things that will hurt your cousin. Your cousin doesn’t need to know why either. She will feel bad about it.
Sounds to me like you need to take out the trash. Your fiancé is garbage. Going after your cousin who is already devastated about her situation and accusing you of being intimate is just plain disgusting.
Ask yourself if you want this personality in your life or worse, as a mother to future children.
I don’t think anyone on Reddit would be against you leaving trash like that
This is a valid thing to break up over. To think so poorly of someone simply for experiencing misfortune, with absolutely no basis, is a very deep character flaw. To be that cruel by nature would likely lead to a very unhealthy marriage. And staying with her will hurt anyone you’re close to, given how willing she is to be utterly cruel for no reason.
More red flags than a Soviet parade.
I wouldn’t be able to sleep next to her after that. Why are you even questioning giving her the keys to the curb?
Beyond the clear jealousy here, your fiancé is also demonstrating an ominous lack of empathy. I would be very concerned about how she might treat future children if she’s this threatened by your closeness with your cousin. She isn’t a safe person.
Maybe correct your finance instead of immediately jumping to leaving her. Communicate, and she should apologize to your cousin . Maybe your fiance doesn’t have close family, or she doesnt have cousins that close so she doesn’t understand the relationship.
Congratulations, you found out / realized that your fiancé is not a nice person, after all. Before you got married. I have no doubt that if you continue with this relationship you will find many other areas where she is not a good person.
Jealous of FAMILY… and treating miscarriages as laughing matters. If you don’t kick this ghoul to the curb, your future is bleak my man.
Not only has your cousin had to suffer through multiple miscarriages, your fiance has taken away your cousin’s closest support person that’s not her spouse (you).
She is jealous of your cousin because her miscarriages temporarily took your attention away from your fiance.
That is so, so fucked up. I hope she won’t be your fiance much longer.
Your fiancé sounds like a very immature, catty high school mean girl.
I would NOT want someone like her to be brought into the family fold.
Life is hard enough without introducing someone like her into the family to be the instigator of drama and chaos.
There’s so many nice, kind hearted girls out in the wild for you to find.
Your fiancé is showing her true colors with those horrible remarks and innuendos.
Imagine sharing an intimate trauma and she says it’s bc you want attention… dreadful. I can’t imagine how she would treat her own kids or anyone who had to rely on her.
Be sure to break up in a public place with friends/family nearby. She might go nuclear!🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
So I have a cousin that I consider a sibling.. We grew up together like siblings we are only 2 years apart. If anyone and I mean anyone would say anything like this for any reason, they are history. She is an evil person. She is extremely jealous of your cousin. She is shallow, vile, and other things I can’t begin to say. Leave now, thank God you don’t have children with this woman. To laugh at someone’s misery, My God. Leave her now
Your fiancé is a mean, heartless, person who is lacking in sympathy and empathy. Dodge that bullet.
Your fiancee is a misogynist. Imagine if a man had said any of this?
Misogyny means strongly prejudiced towards women. Just because your fiancee herself is a women and is dating you doesn’t mean she can’t be prejudiced against women.
Saying your cousin is doing this for attention is invalidating your cousin’s emotions and feelings as a woman going through probably 1 of the worst things a woman can go through.
That’s just weird, possessive, & cruel.
She had no business saying anything to your cousin to deter her from your support either.
Would be a deal breaker for me if my partner did that.
Your fiancee sounds like a spoiled brat who completely lacks empathy.
You heard the truth right from your fiancee directly. You have good judgement and see now how and who she truly is. Ask for the ring back. End the engagement. You know it’s the right thing to do. Sticking it out with your fiancee after finding out what a terrible person she is, would only bring you misery and end up estranging you from your family.
Tough loss breaking up and engagement, but it’s better to do that then get divorced later. And of course, leave your cousin out of it, don’t even talk to her before you break things off. Based on what your fiancee said to you directly is more than enough reason to end things.
EDIT to add – I think breaking up with her before even talking to cousin really demonstrates that you know, for yourself, how wrong your fiancee was. It speaks to your character and it will show your cousin that you are sorry for the hurt your fiancee caused. It is a better thing to do then verifying things to see if it’s actually true before breaking up with her. You already know what the situation is. Your fiancee showed you who she is. Talking to your cousin about it before breaking up with her might possibly fiel the rumor mill against you and your cousin.
The main issue here is your fiancée. She seems to be a selfish person of the worst type.
The other issue is you.
For some reason you ignored the little warning flags that surely must have presented themselves, trying to caution you.
I would begin a self awareness campaign to understand why I was willing to be a bystander in my own life.
Life has presented itself to you with a test. What type of person you are and how your future evolves is up to you.
Good luck, you do sound like a caring, nice person who has been duped. I wish you well.
End it. She is emotionally immature and harmful. She will center herself in everything.
Someone that acts like this usually doesn’t do it in a vacuum. I think you need to reflect on your finances behavior throughout your relationship .
Are there other times she’s been jealous, selfish or cruel? If so, then sorry, she’s going to continue acting like that.
If it really is contained to your cousin or miscarriages, then you need to have a serious talk about her beliefs or possible trauma that’s resulted in her behavior.
Minimally, marriage has to be delayed until y’all work through this. If she doesn’t want to or can’t manage it, you’ll need to break up.
If a partner is close to their family, you’re marrying into that family. You don’t want to bring chaos, drama and isolation into that.
She’s only going to get worse. Divorce is expensive, run bro
Madam girlfriend is threatened by the closeness with your cousin and family dynamic. Speak to your cousin and rebuild a bridge, apologising for anything she’s a done and get an understanding of what’s been going on behind the scenes.
Next, sit with GF after you’ve decided on what to do following your conversation with your cousin. Either break up or have a follow up discussion to help her understand the gravity of her actions. If no one speaks to her, she’ll carry on with the immature and ignorant behaviour. Her reaction will likely guide next steps.
Be prepared for it to possibly blow up in your face eg rumours spreading etc and how you’d likely handle that scenario/mitigate against it ahead of time .
Oh your fiancé is a low down dirty bit*ch. This is 100% break up material
Your story is my cousin’s story and it ended up in the family being tore apart because the fiancé said the same disguting things about my other cousin, run! Believe me! Feel free to message me to tell you the whole story
Your fiancé is a downright horrible person. I can’t believe she went to your cousin and accused her of faking miscarriages and incest?!? You would be making a huge mistake marrying her.