Well the title pretty much says it all. I’m his 2nd relationship, his first lasted 5-6 years and started when they were young. He doesn’t talk much about it, but in our relationship I feel like I’m teaching him how to be a good friend/partner, not just to me, but even to his friends. I feel like he’s not very thoughtful or caring. He also doesn’t seem to have much discipline, which is very concerning to me because weak men (in my experience and from many stories I’ve heard) tend to stray, and in the end only hurt their partners. I feel like I’m mothering my bf.
I’ve been doing my best to teach him what it means to be a good bf/partner, to be thoughtful/caring, to be responsible, organized, financially responsible, how to plan, save, how to take care of a partners wants/needs, how to make me feel wanted/desired/taken care of, dream, take care of himself (health and personal hygiene), it’s a lot. He’ll have it together for a little while, and then he gets comfortable again.
I love him, truly. I love spending time with him, we have so much fun together, and I love him as a person, but I’m questioning whether I’m making the right choice for my future. I’ve always wanted a strong man, who’s disciplined and willing to fight for what he wants. I don’t see that in my partner, unfortunately. He just seems so complacent. Is this something that he can change? What would you do in my situation? I’m afraid of continuous hurt and disappointment. I want a partner I can build with for the future I want, for a stable family and kids. He’s lived with his mom his whole life, has barely saved up any money, has health issues, is still financially dependent on his mom – his mom doesn’t help the situation and babies/coddles him. His mom never challenged or pushed him, and always took care of everything for him. She never taught him any responsibility.
But, at some point he has to take accountability for not taking it upon himself to challenge himself, learn, and be responsible. She’s a single mom so I know she did her best, but I don’t think she realizes how much her coddling has crippled him and done him a disservice. He’s a nice guy, but I’m just concerned he doesn’t have the mental fortitude to build/raise/have a family. I’ve brought these concerns up to him, and I have seen some improvements, but like I said, he tends to get comfortable again so it feels like 3 steps forward and 2 steps back. I feel like I push him and challenge him a lot, but then I just feel like I’m nagging or mothering him. He’s just never been completely independent so I feel like there’s so much I’m teaching him, and he’s a slow learner. I don’t mind teaching him, but I wish he wasn’t so freaking far behind.
I feel terrible for saying this, but I can’t help how I feel. I feel like I’m giving him everything. I do my best to be thoughtful, I consider him, his feelings, wants, needs, his family, his friends. I take care of that man, him and I know it. I go above and beyond to show him I care, that I’m listening, and that I love him. What would you do in my situation?… I’m just afraid I’m pouring everything into him and in the end, he’s just not mature enough or ready for the relationship I want. 😔
TLDR; bf isn’t great at communication, and struggles to be a good partner due to lack of experience and effort.