She told us around Christmas that she’d be moving out in September. She started looking for apartments just as a cursory look since Christmas, and for the past month or so, we offered to go with her when visiting and check out apartments with her.
I told her to start making a list of apartments to choose from, and then we’ll hit them up as a family during visiting hours on the weekends. Couple of weeks ago, on a Friday, I asked if she had some choices ready for the weekend, and she said she checked them out during the week already.
She’s done this a couple of times now, checking out apartments without the rest of the family. To be honest it’s a bit hurtful, but I’m wondering if I should let this go.
TL;DR — Kid is edging family out of apartment searching process.
24 comments
She’s old enough to apartment shop herself, give her space.
Kid is an adult and can manage by herself.
Let it go 1000%.
She deserves the freedom as a young adult to have this experience on her own without familial influence. Let her be an adult, and let this go.
She can go alone if she wants, without it constituting as “edging you out”. Boundaries are important.
At 25 she isn’t a kid anymore, she probably wants to do this on her own to show you that she is an adult that can make her own decisions. Definitely let this one go, if she wants help or your opinion she’ll ask for it.
It may be something she just wants to do on her own. I can understand why you’d want to do it together though. My suggestion would be to try communicating with her that you were hoping to be involved a bit more and see what she says.
She just wants to make this decision on her own. It’s obviously important to her so just be supportive and let her know that you trust her to find a good place. Its probably going to be hard but it’s time to start truly letting go.
A 25 year old can choose their own apartment.
I found my first apartment completely on my own and moved to it at 19. Stop helicoptering
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1. You call her a “kid” in your title when she’s been an adult for 7 years.
2. You “**told her** to make a list”
3. You made the plan for the weekend, and I’m guessing from context did not ask her opinion of this plan.
4. “edging family out” from a process that is her’s alone, she’s not shopping for a family apartment she’s shopping for HER apartment.
Imagine if someone treated you like this as an adult – how would you feel? It seems like she’s trying to gain some independence which is very healthy as a 25 year old ADULT. Take a sec and step back, it can be hard to stop thinking of her as your child, but you must. If you continue to disrespect her agency as an adult it will only push her away. You can make a HUGE difference by shifting how you phrase things from TELLING her what to do to ASKING her what she plans to do.
It’s her apartment and she’s not a kid. She’s probably excited to move forward with the process! Since you seem to have trouble with boundaries and helicoptering, preemptively note that you won’t be entitled to keys to her future place, or to visit whenever you want. That’ll be 100% her call.
Are you planning to live there with her? If not, back off and let her do her thing. She’s 25, not 15.
Stop trying to control her. She’s perfectly capable of finding an apartment on her own.
She’s 25, not 5. What are you doing?
Curious if this was your 25 year old son, would you be treating him differently? Breaking news: adult women can take care of themselves now.
You’re being an asshole. Stop it.
Your kid is a ducking adult. Stop treating her like she’s 12. At her age I had a mortgage on a house my parents didn’t see until after I moved in.
Your kid is an adult. Let her do her thing. If she wants your input, she’ll ask for it. Until then, let her enjoy the process
Do you not have better things to do
This is not a real post.
I think you are holding on to your adult child a little too tight. I suggest you review her age again. She has been an adult for years and you make her sound like she is a young teen and you have to approve things as she doesn’t have the adult sense to do this. This is a ‘you’ problem.
She’s *twenty five*, why on earth would you be involved in her apartment hunt? Your expectations are out of line here.
Why do you feel entitled to be involved?
As others have said she is 25. She is well into adulthood now. Choosing a place to live is a very personal life decision adults make.
How would you feel if your parents thought they were entitled to come with you to the dealership or a property you were looking at, at your age?
Be proud of your daughter for the adult she has become. It is not a slight to you for her to act as an adult.
The comments here are refreshing.
Let her find this apartment herself. Save the real battle for when she buys a family home.
Thats when you want the influence to keep her closer 🙂