Situation: For the record, we haven’t be in the best spot in the last \~6 months. We broke up (but still live together) in December, but started rekindeling things in January. For the past 2 months we have been amazing. Its been like were back to the lovers we were and w are starting to build back our trust.However, things were still ambigous and neither of us initiated the what are we talk and what are our intentions. We still acted very much like a couple and made some plans for the summer, which is semi-long term plans.
Anyways there was a situation that partly caused a lot of our issues in the past summer when due to issues on my part (which are true issues i needed to work on) she felt fed up with the relationship, and developed a crush on someone else during the course of a 3 week program where her and I were apart. She would not intially admit any of this, but I found out shortly after she got back. I found out she had a physical and emotional attachement with a guy we can call “Ryan”, and was questioning if the feelings were more than a crush. She made plans to meet up after the program was over to hang out and continue building the friendship. Again I didn’t know about this until I saw messages myself, because she adimitely insisted she had no feelings for him. When I found out, now she changed to saying yes she had a tiny crush, but it was fleeting and she hasn’t thought about him that way since. She just wants to have a friendship with him.
Fast foward to 6 months ago today, she tells me the other night that Ryan messaged her asking if she would want to be on a interview for his podcast. She ask me if doing the interview at our place would be okay with me, and maybe make me feel better since I’ll be there. She said they barely talk, and this would just be something to help a friend.
I think about it for a few days, but i was clearly in denial about how it made me feel. I didn’t want to feel insecure or like the jealous type, but it reminded me of a terrible time over the summer. Her and I are just now repairing things and I wasn’t sure if I was ready for him to be in her life right now.I finally told her that the fact she wanted to do this made me question her respect for me and our “relationship”. I didn’t understand why she wanted to do this. She tried reaffirming me that yes I have my preconcived notions about what I think her and Ryan’s relationship is, but wants to stress that it was just a moment she had that wasn’t even reciprocated 6 months ago. Since then they barely talk and she has not thought about him in that way since.
Okay. The Conversation can end in a decent place after telling me that. But one more thing – what would help me trust you on this would be you showing me the conversation about him asking you for the interview. If it was asked just platonically and you barely talk, then there should be no issue in me seeing that one conversation.
I could immeditely see a look of anxiousness on her face. Reluctently she showed me, but wouldnt give me the phone. She wanted to hold it very firm in her hand and scoll herself. I was just looking for when the conversation started. It didn’t seem like this was just a random message about a interview.. Yes they don’t talk super regularlly but a lot more recently than she said.
It also might’ve slipped out that she also has him on IG, so I asked to see the IG chat and she immedietly said no and locked her phone. Out of insticnt I grabbed for it to take it but stopped as she ran into the other room crying. IMO crying because she is really ashamed of me seeing something, but according to her crying because of me being aggresive and trying to take her phone without her permission (idek the password). Anyways we talk more about why its important i see it, and she says the only way she would show me is if she looks at the messages first to remind herself, then might show me. So basically check to make sure there is not anything terrible I might see. i say ok. She checks it and decides its nothing serious. I see for myself and agree it is nothing terrible that would suggest something physical happened with them or there was flirting. Thats what i hoped it would be, but her hesitency to show me this is what was concerning.
If you are THAT worried about me seeing messages of this guy, how can I beleive you are just friends? How can I believe that the interview is platonic? How can i trust you when you tell me your motives for doing the interview is just helping a friend? I get that we just started rekindling things a month ago and we didn’t get around to labels and discussing future plans yet. But if you want to work towards a future with me, why is there someone in your life who you have this past with and wouldn’t want me to see your messages?
TLDR: I’m looking for advice on the situation. I love this person and really had hope for the future, but I don’t know how we proceed from here. I don’t know what i need to ask for. Do i insist she block the guy? Do I try to just be chill and see where things go?
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Important Edit: Her reasoning for why she didn’t want to show me is because she thinks I would judge her. I thought from the start that she was giving more than she was getting with this guy. From what i saw over the summer it seemed like she really wanted at least a strong friendship after the program, but he basically told her hes not on his phone a lot and more of a inperson guy. So from my eyes it seems like she wants a friend (A good friend is one you can rely on and talk to in tough times and ask for advice), and she wasn’t getting that. But the second he wants something from her, her to be on his early stage podcast which is in his personal intrest, she jumps at the oppurtunity and is immeditley free. I urged her the other day to have more pride and self-respect, and not just chase people around. This came across as mean and belliting to her, so now she doesn’t want to give me fuel through the old chats that would further paint her as someone who was really chasing for a friendship. That is what i saw – mostly one sided conversations