I(F24) left our house for about 5 hours last night. Leaving my boyfriend(M32) home by himself. Not to long after I got home my boyfriend told me he was finding like balls of black hair so he swept the house. I thought it was weird but didn’t say anything. Once I went to shower I noticed my shampoo which I don’t keep in the shower was on the shower floor and when I picked it up I found a piece of hair that looked black but once in the light it was very obviously red. I have blonde/grey hair. Then when I got in the shower there was a few strains like wrapped onto the shower handle. Still didn’t say a word and just started to observe everything else; there was a charger on my side of the bed that isn’t mine and he doesn’t use that outlet or go on my half the bed. And then there was nail polish remover that he asked if I left it out and it wasn’t me. I decided to change the bedding and was taking my time because I knew I was too bothered to go to bed anytime soon he kept making comments about me looking for something and he knows how long it takes to make a bed so I’m obviously sly doing something else. Oh and this phone holder we have that was above our bed was moved and placed at the head of our bed. How can I get the truth out of him because I can already hear his “I’m not doing anything “ and how everything is just a coincidence or something like that. What would you do ??
35 comments
I would have shown him the hair.
It does all sound a bit suspicious. Do you have any camera at your house? Like a doorbell one.
Seems like someone was leaving clues for you to find. Ask him straight and outright and frankly and then watch his reaction. It doesn’t look good though so… plan accordingly.
I think he’s definitely telling on himself. If something small as the time to change bed sheets bother him that much to make a comment he’s telling on himself. It may not be another person but it definitely is something hidden. Also OP I wanna say women know their spaces and the small details so trust ur gut.
You probably won’t get him to confess unless you show some kind of evidence. If he thinks he can lie his way through it, you’ll never get him to confess. Depending on how forward thinking this guy is, he might’ve also deleted conversations or not saved her number. The only way to capture definite proof is with a nanny cam in the house.
The hairs are suspicious, but to me less so than the phone charger and holder. The nail polish is particularly suspicious, since a common lying technique is to point things out because the person lying wants to send the vibe of “if that was me, why would I bring it up?” Finally, his paranoia and comments about you making the bed feel really defensive to me.
I’ll say this. It doesn’t look great. I think you need to ask him about this, even knowing that he’s probably going to get defensive and give you excuses. I’d keep an eye out for him trying to turn the conversation into things that you’ve done in the past that seem “suspicious” to him. Don’t let him steer the conversation away from the topic of your suspicions. Practice saying “We can discuss that when we’re finished, but we need to finish this conversation first.”
Good luck.
Ask him who the hell was in the house and shower with red hair. Like someone else said, doesn’t look great.
You after a hug: “Huh, your hair doesn’t smell like my shampoo.”
Him: “What do you mean?”
You: “Well, someone who wasn’t me used my shampoo and left it on the shower floor.”
Him: “… Oh yeah… that was me. My hair just doesn’t smell like it because I wore a hat.”
You: “Oh cool, you must also be growing long red hair, too. And the hat is why I’ve never seen it.”
Check his phone but when you go to messages check his most recent emoji’s uses. If you see any of these or others 🍆❤️ and he hasn’t texted them to you, it’s because he using them on someone else.
As a general rule, the advice is ‘investigate first then confront’. Because confronting always ends in denial and then gives time to hide evidence. So only confront when all other avenues have been exhausted.
His phone is where you want to go next. But if he was thinking ‘she might have caught on’ he should have erased evidence that was on there.
Thing is, you assume this happened when you left your boyfriend alone for five hours one night? Did he know you would be gone for that long? It just seems really odd, that is one fast hookup plan on his part. I’d almost wonder if ‘escort’ isn’t what is going on. Either that or he has a very seriously dedicated booty call, on call.
So I would maybe think about what other explanations there might be.
But, yeah, start with his phone. At the very least when you confront him ‘I want to look at your phone right now’ should be part of the conversation.
All in 5 hours? I mean…is this for real?
So I checked your history, the fact that your boyfriend has asked for you to swing and you’re still mulling it over should clear things up for you. He is so obviously cheating.
you don’t have to play the ‘prove it’ game. if you know somethings up, do what you need to do.
Put cameras in your house. It’s the only way you’ll ever know for sure.
But also…. this is a no brainer. Get the evidence though so you can know without a doubt.
You posted in r/Swingers a few days ago saying your boyfriend found that lifestyle appealing… What more do you need to know to make a decision?
Who in your life has red hair? Even if it was someone in your life that you knew wouldn’t do this? Or who does he work with that has red hair?
5 hours is kinda ballsy to have someone else over
This is exactly how my friend realized her husband was cheating on her. The shampoo and conditioner were in an odd place :/
I find it crazy that you were gone for 5 hours and someone most definitely had sex with your boyfriend but then charged their phone, did their nails? and took a shower, they were not acting like they were on a time crunch lol
Whatever he did he filmed it.
Is this even really a question… I’m sorry but he definitely cheated.
You know, you’ll find in life that sometimes, everything isn’t spelled out, cut and dry for you. As you get older, you realize that your choices are yours alone to make. and choices are the most powerful tool you have over your life’s narrative. &The choices you make may not seem to make a vast difference today, but they lead to two vastly different paths. So you have to decide which path you want to go down.
You can confront him about it and let him lie to you and you believe it. Or you can confront him about it but not need his validation to confirm something ..you already
So essentially, you can choose someone else or choose yourself. The way to make someone regret cheating on you is to leave, never look back, and go live your very best life.
Don’t say a word and the first chance you get, go through his phone and get screenshots of any conversation he has proving what was going on.
Adding all those pieces together you already know someone was there and they were very much trying to get him busted leaving all those bread crumbs. He wouldn’t be feeling guilty or think twice you changed the sheets if otherwise. You found your shampoo and another woman’s hair in your shower. I mean what more do ya need to confront him and demand to know who was there.
There were many signs that my ex husband was cheating on me, but they were somewhat “small”. Looking back, I was able to piece it all together but at the time I was in such denial. The first sign was one night I got off work and came home and my apartment felt….different. It felt wrong. It just didn’t feel like my apt anymore if that makes sense. A few weeks later, I found a wrapped tampon that was a completely different brand and type that I used. I rationalized it as being part of a sample pack I had gotten from work, even though that type wasn’t in the sample pack. I knew that, but I lied to myself. It’s crazy how much your brain goes into “protect” mode when being faced with such pain and betrayal as this. I’m sorry.
you dont need more evidence
your gut is enough by itself and you already found a lot of evidence
just leave
He’s acting crazy paranoid. Act like everything is fine while you keep investigating and he’ll get so paranoid he’ll just confess.
Ok but who hauls nail polish remover to a hook up and spends time using it? That seems really weird. Maybe if you were gone a week but a few hours?
Why do you need the truth out of him? You already saw all of this with your own eyes. He’s already accusing you of ‘looking for something’.
Decide if you want to continue with someone willing to do this and try to make you feel like you’re the one doing something wrong.
Five hours out of the house? What happens if you’re gone a week?
Someone (not your husband) wants you to know they were there in your bedroom and bathroom.
If he did sleep with someone else in your bed I think it’s kind of gross that he didn’t change the sheets before you got home. Ew.
If it isn’t a red-headed ghost then your boyfriend is absolutely cheating.
Either the red head is real good at hiding her tracks or she’s leaving you clues so you get that he’s a player.
I mean, if I were dating someone and I find out he has a girlfriend, wouldn’t I be leaving clues? Nah, would I? Actually I could start doing that.
When you know you know.
Sit down, look home in the eye. Be serious. Dead pan. Stay calm. Keep your voice level.
‘So. I’m thinking there’s something you need to tell me. Let’s have it.’
Then wait. Don’t let your gaze drop. Quiet, patient, smoldering pressure.
In my experience, something surprising _always_ comes out.
You don’t need an admission of guilt. You don’t need proof. If you’re suspicious that means there’s no trust. And usually for good reason.
He’s 8 years your senior and you’re not happy. He’s 32 and talking about swinging and he fucked another woman in your bed. Oh and the kind of woman who is leaving fucking bread crumbs for you to find. Classy.
Just leave.
You’re too young and nice for nonsense of this caliber.
I actually don’t even think you need to ask. It’s pretty obvious what is going on. Just leave.
Also get an STI check.