A little backstory, I have been with this man since we were young. We have 4 children. 2 weeks ago, I was at work when I got a frantic call to come home. Turns out he was trashed, and got walked in on fucking around with this easy chick he works with. I asked him for the truth, he gaslit the fuck out of me..made me the issue..and lied. I got the truth out of her. They did EVERYTHING besides sex..when he was walked in on..he was naked and on top of her naked trying to stick it in but hey whiskey dick. I instantly blamed myself because years ago we were long distance and he was wrapped in on talking to other women on his phone and not caring about me so I sought out validation from someone I worked with- just flirting until the guy kissed me. I instantly felt disgusted and wrong. I outted myself to him and confessed everything. I instantly did everything in my power to be the wife I needed to be. That was back in 2016 but our whole relationship he has sexted women continuously. About a year ago, he moved on to trying to meet up with people and video chatting behind my back. When confronted he gaslit me. Always saying I was controlling and it’s my fault for trying to control him.
Now back to present day. The day he apologized profusely and then went and put single, unblocked all his exes (which were blocked because he would get drunk and sext the one), and then he changed all of his passwords and now he holds onto his phone like it’s his most prized possession. We have been married 13 years. I always give my passwords when asked, but if I even glance at his phone he calls me controlling and that in order for us to ever work I need to trust him. Or he says that I’m disgusting because I have such a need to control him. I am well aware that the alcohol is when he does it but sober he chooses the alcohol. I am at my wits end and I’m sad because I feel like the man he was died. I’m grieving but then I’m second guessing myself because what if he is right and it is about control. I just don’t know what to do anymore.
Why am I not enough? Or am I enough? I just loved him so much and the alcohol changed him.