I (24F) just exited one of the most bizarre arguements with my BF (25M), and I think our 3 year relationship may be over.
Today, he read up about marriage laws in my country, where parties would be expected to divide their assets in a “equitable” manner during a divorce. Men (in most cases) would also be expected to pay women an alimony for maintenance.
He felt this was unfair, especially when factors like “indirect contributions” can affect the asset split and alimony. He also thinks that splitting assets in his personal account, which was not involved the marriage, would be unfairly involved. For context, he currently earns about 3 times more than me.
A prenup is not recognised in my country.
He now refuses to ever get married under what he perceives to be unfair terms under the law.
The conflict: it’s a long term goal of mine to get married. He is saying that I am being complicit in the unfairness towards him by pressuring him into marriage under this legal system. We had a big argument over this.
Am I not seeing something here? Should I just accept this as a lost cause and move on?
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Edit: quite a few people have been asking why I need official certification to endorse my relationship. To complicate matters – marriage in my country is pretty much necessary to secure substantial housing grants. Without it grants, homes are crazy expensive
BF’s counter proposal to this was to get married, get the grants, and then divorce immediately afterwards. I thought that was outright strange and veto-ed the idea. Does his idea have merit though?
Edit 2: a few comments saying 24 / 25 years old may be too young get married. I’m okay if we get married in our 30s even; the issue now is that he says marriage is a total non-possibility
31 comments
Yeah sounds like fundamental differences unfortunately, unless you were to move to a different country that recognizes prenups but that’d be extreme
Honestly, I (43F) understand his logic.
I make 4x what my partner makes. I lost my ass when I married and divorced and have no intention of combining finances again.
The idea of losing half of what you’ve worked for isn’t a pleasant one. And given the rate of divorce, it’s a risk.
He 100% is in the right. Why the fuck would he willingly sign up to have you take half his assets HE EARNED. You may not get a divorce but in that situation you have all the power. I stand with him
Neither of you is right or wrong in your beliefs.
Unfortunately, this is the end of the road for your relationship.
Book a consultation with a family law lawyer and find out what the probabilities are. I find that a lot of people grossly understand the expectations and likelihoods of what might happen in a divorce.
Marriage means a great deal in every place whereas common law means nothing in a lot of places. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you wanting marriage for security and simplicity. People need to stop bothering you about this.
This protects women who become mothers. It protects women who care for families in a way that men traditionally haven’t. Couples often prioritize one person’s career. Women often do invisible work. Daughter’s often take more work off to care for aging parents. Mothers often take lower paying flexible jobs to ease the overall stress on the family and make family life better.
If you know for sure that all parenting would be 50/50 ( oh wait, when you are pregnant you have all the doctors appointments and you are more tired and sick and you give birth) then you don’t need to worry about it. You wouldn’t need financial protection of marriage. But if there is a an accidental pregnancy you lose out.
Single mothers are far more likely to be in poverty.
Talk to a lawyer so you know what protections are in place and why. He should also find out.
I get why no one would want to split assets or alimony after a year of marriage. But after 20 years and two kids? When she chose jobs near her kids school or that had hours that worked better for school drop off? When she scheduled all the dentist, doctor, therapist, parent teacher conferences? When she was more involved in worrying about what was going on in the kids lives and spent more time talking with the children and less time on her career? If her family had NEEDED her to earn more money she could have, but if the husband already earned so much it made sense to take care of emotional needs of the family rather always make career decisions for career ambitions.
I don’t blame him. Everything he has built prior to meeting you can be lost in the event of a divorce. Do you receive 50% even if you don’t have children? Imagine if you got married to someone, and prior to that marriage you built yourself a comfortable amount of money. Now imagine you get a divorce and you have to fork over 50% of it to someone who wasn’t there to build it with you. Usually that includes the house. It’s a pretty raw deal.
Just go to a lawyer and discuss legally enforceable options. If there are none that satisfy both of you, you need to make the hard choice.
You are no longer compatible. He doesnt want to ever get married and you do.
That’s it. Dont waste time trying to force a square peg into a round hole.
If you really want to get married as a long term goal you’re going to have to end it with your boyfriend.
Marriage is important to a lot of people, me included. I would never date someone who never infested to marry anyone. You guys are incompatible
Can you consult with a lawyer in your country and see what protections or agreements would be recognized? Also, perhaps some couples counseling to get to the bottom of why he really feels this way? Did he see a family member or friend get treated unfairly in a divorce? I would say if you really love him and he is reasonable in all other ways and this really is the only issue, give it some more time. I get that you do not want to put effort into a relationship that will never result in you getting what you want, but you are both so young and 3 years is not a terribly long time to be together before marriage… and perhaps his outlook on the situation will change with some more discussions and research. If not, then I agree you may want to end things and find someone who is interested in marriage eventually.
You two are on divergent tracks. It may be time to end it. Based on anecdotal experience, I do give him props for thinking about this BEFORE getting married.
First of all, meet up with a lawyer. They will explain to both of you how this works and in what cases. If that doesn’t help, well, you know what to do.
You have incompatible views on marriage.
It’s neither good nor bad, right nor wrong.
If you want to be married and he doesn’t want to risk marriage, you’ve reached an impasse. The only other alternative would be to agree to move to a country where prenups are enforceable – but that seems a bit excessive. (if ever do get a prenup in the future, be sure to get your own lawyer. A prenup should protect BOTH parties and take into consideration things such as income and career opportunities one of you may forego to raise children or accommodate the partner’s career and such).
That said, you should speak to actual divorce lawyers in your country and get real information, rather than thinking you know how a divorce might go. There’s a reason why the law is handled by lawyers and not by people who googled something and ran off thinking they had the right answer.
Short answer: it’s time to part ways.
Honestly I am so glad that more and more men are starting to realize that marriage is a bum deal for them if things go south for them in the relationship.
It’s perfectly fine for you to want to get married or whatever, but with the laws you have stated I would be acting the exact same way as him.
I think it’s perfectly normal to want to be married. It’s starting to trend that a lot of people don’t get married but I am way more traditional and I would not enter a serious relationship without making that clear. I can see his point but then he is also wanting to make sure he has a safe exit plan so it’s almost like the 100 commitment isn’t quite there for him. You have the figure out if you are willing to let that dream go. No matter how much you love someone the fundamental goals in life need to be similar. Like kids, money, marriage are the biggest compatibility issues.
Are you sure that his personal assets before marriage will be split in 50/50 in case a divorce happens? Gotta be sure before making any decisions
Every man reading the op agrees with him lol. Alimony is such a joke.
This is a hard one, I don’t think either of you are right or wrong in this case, and as others have said this probably means the relationship is over.
To help you understand his perspective, he has likely worked very hard for his high salary and assets. Divorce rates (not sure what country you’re in) are very high, in the US I’ve heard it’s anywhere from 30% to 50%. A marriage is very much a financial contract, and any situation where you run a 30%-50% risk of losing half your stuff means you should pursue every legal option out there to protect yourself. I no such legal options exist, then I wouldn’t enter into such a high-risk contract.
Also, it’s a bit concerning to me that you bring up his current personal assets. Please clarify, do you think you should be entitled to half those in a divorce, or only half of joint assets earned during marriage?
To give you a personal example, I bought a house my, hopefully, forever hometown. It literally cost me most of my life savings and I received a massive advance on my inheritance as well. If I had to give that up in a divorce, or even be forced to sell and split the proceeds, I would be absolutely devastated emotionally and financially. I would never be able to own in my hometown again, and thus would be eventually forced to move permanently. If your partner has accrued significant assets, he is likely just as protective as I am of them – and with good reason.
While your relationship may be loving right now, no one enters into a marriage expecting it to end up in utter failure, no one expects to go through an acrimonious divorce, yet the courts are full of such cases.
I understand you can’t get a prenup in your country, but talking through and agreeing on these issues early, while you both still come from a place of love, is far better than when you hate each other. Unfortunately, while you could come to agreement on division of assets, since it’s not enforceable legally means that this is a fundamental incompatibility.
how about if you get married without getting legally married (or get legally married in another country without applying for the marriage to be valid in your country) and he pays for most of the house when you buy one? would that be an acceptable solution?
edit: I saw comments about him not wanting to pay what the grant would’ve equalled, so I guess he should be your ex
If you have his kids and stay home to take care of them for even as little as two years, your earning potential will forever be lowered. Alimony exists for that reason. You will be OOC when kids happen for at least two years.
If you guys don’t want kids, then I’m on his side, but if you do and you’re going to have them with your body, I would honestly just dump him. He sounds really selfish.
It doesn’t seem like this will last. If he doesn’t want to get married and you do, there’s no compromise. You can’t get half married.
Go see a lawyer and understand what laws actually say. It is very easy for us to misinterpret the law, ask an expert and find out how you can make it work if you guy come to an agreement.
I say leave, he’s a lost cause…
sorry, OP. He doesn’t seem to see eye-to-eye on this. Forcing it will result in sadness for you both. Many men would LOVE to be with someone who values longterm commitment. The right situation is still out there – happiness awaits.
Wishing you the best.
I don’t understand something.. He doesn’t want to get married due to a possible divorce that would mean having to split assets 50/50 and him having to pay alimony.. but he will get married to get the housing grants and then divorce??? But then wouldn’t that mean you split assets and he pays alimony??? I don’t get it??
This man isn’t willing to marry you. You should believe him. If marriage is something you want, you should break up with him.
So he doesn’t believe you’re entitled to an equitable split during divorce proceedings?
He’s saying what he thinks of you, the value you have in his eyes and what you’re worth to him. He sees you as a threat to his 100% cut of the split. Believe him when he tells you what kind of man he is.
This sounds like a man who doesn’t want to marry you ever. This is not about laws ,this is about him using them as an excuse not to marry you. Because if he thought he was gonna spend the rest of his life with you, he wouldn’t be so worried about his assets that you would take if he were to divorce you. In other words he plans on leaving you eventually, he is make sure he doesn’t lose half his assets when he does. Your relationship is over you should move on. He’ll leave you sooner or later