This seems so weird, I’m using a throwaway because he would be so embarrassed. So I’ve been with my husband for 6 years. Early on I noticed after a night of drinking, after we would fall asleep he would get really pushy for sex in the middle of the night (not forceful, like I always could get away but no checking in, just sort of grabbing me and going for it and being pushy if I tried to stop him). This was pretty scary the first few times and I blamed the alcohol and we’d argue about it, with him having no memory anything happened. I was completely smitten so for whatever reason I just took it as his drunk persona and would sleep on the couch if he got too handsy.
He’s since stopped drinking and as we started spending every night together I found patterns like it’s more likely to happen when we’re up late and/or we’ve already had sex that night. It’s also much quicker and less about my needs. Then in the morning he has no memory of it (like he remembered we had sex as we were going to bed but swears we only had sex once even thought I’m sleep deprived from being woken up for round 2). The comical bit is sometimes I have to wake him up to get him to knock it off, at which point he thinks I’m waking him up for round 2 not waking him up to avoid round 2.
For the most part it’s just one of his quirks, but I’m also one of those people who has a hard time falling asleep and MUCH harder time falling back asleep, and the sleep sex always seems to be just after I’m good and asleep so it just throws off my sleep for the entire night.
We’ve discussed it happening and I’m not entirely sure he believes me. Part of me is flattered like he must be dreaming about me. But it’s just so odd. Has anyone else experienced this in their relationships?
Do we need to go to a sleep therapist or is it ok since we’re a married couple and I know I can shove him off and he won’t even remember getting snubbed the next morning. Is it bad that I don’t always turn him down? I’ve even asked if he’s awake, he’s answered yes and then not remembered the next morning, it makes me feel like I’m taking advantage when I just let it happen because it’s easier than the whole process of waking him up and getting us both back to sleep but also he’s not really choosing it if he’s asleep? It’s confusing and I’m not really sure what to do
Edit: thank you all for the responses. I honestly had no idea this was a semi-common thing, I guess I assumed he had some idea what he was doing and just didn’t remember because we were so tired/barely awake. I also assumed turning him down would be the same as rejecting sex when he’s awake (we don’t get a lot of chances, so we try to be open to it when the other is in the mood and only turn it down if there’s no chance we can get into it too), but it sounds like it’s no hit to his ego or our sex life if he’s this out of it and probably better to either tell him to go to sleep or wake him up properly first. I’ve got some reading to do. Thank you all!