I’m M53 engaged to a F48, together for over 4 years. My 20 yo daughter called me while my fiancée and I were in bed one morning. She says to me “I have to tell you something but you can’t tell anyone – not even [my fiancée].” I reply “ummm, well [fiancée] is right here and she heard that, soooo do you want to tell me later or something?” My daughter then voluntarily told both me and my fiancée what the secret was: one of her friends was pregnant in sort of an awkward situation and no one else knew about it. After the call my fiancée was off-the-hook furious, accused me and my daughter of keeping secrets and said “f*ck you both.” I sent a text saying I was sorry she was upset but it only stoked more anger. Was I wrong to offer a private call to my daughter when my fiancée wasn’t there?
TL;DR Daughter asks dad to keep a secret, dad’s fiancée is furious over it. Dad wants to know what if anything he did wrong.
32 comments
No.
It’s fucking horrific this adult thinks you’re not entitled to a private relationship with your own daughter. Serious red flag.
Your fiancée sounds unhinged.
Do not marry this woman.
If I need to talk to my dad about something I don’t want anyone else to know he would never tell that secret. It’s one of the reasons I trust him so much and always call him when I need to talk. I’d say it’s a major red flag that your fiance doesn’t respect that.
Why are you marrying someone who thinks that she should be in the middle of your relationship with your daughter, or that you and your daughter are not allowed privacy?
Why are you marrying someone who would go from “perfectly normal” to:
> f*ck you both
…in the space of a moment?
Does she *normally* act this way? Because I can tell you with certainty that if I were with someone who *ever* spoke to me that way, it’d be over the very moment those words left her mouth.
Why would you think you’re wrong to be a confidant to your daughter? The fact you’re second guessing this is alarming. I wouldn’t marry a woman who tries to damage/undermine my relationship with my child
Having a kid who wants to call you up in their 20s to share “secrets” with you and talk is amazing. Don’t let your fiancée ruin it.
You’re just being a father to your daughter who puts her trusts in you. Nothing wrong with that. However, your fiance cursing you and YOUR daughter over something like that is NOT okay at all. Maybe she wants to feel like she belongs but she’s not entitled to know ever single thing about what your daughter wanted to keep as a secret.
Even my parents, who are biologically connected with me, don’t tell my secrets I told them to each other.
Your girlfriend sounds immature.
This is incredibly icky behavior on your fiancées part. Thats your daughter, you are entitled to privacy within that relationship and your daughter DESERVES that with you. This would be the end of the road if I were in your shoes, I would not tolerate a single human being disrespecting my child or myself this way, let alone marry someone that acts this way. Shame on her.
On another note, you’re a WONDERFUL father for being honest and immediately letting your daughter know the conversation you were having was not private and offering her privacy if she wanted it. 👏🏼 You’re clearly cultivating a safe space for your daughter and you will reap the benefits of giving her that until your last breath. You’re amazing!
This is a major red flag IMO. You need to be able to have private conversations with your daughter and your fiancee should not bat an eye about it. Then saying fuck you both about it is also a strong overreaction. You sure marrying her is a good choice?
Your fiance is a goddamn psycho
This person should not be in your life or your daughter’s life. How dare anyone say you’re not permitted a 1:1 relationship with your own daughter. Truly unwell reaction from her.
Your daughter > your fiancée. Being a child who grew up with a stepdad, if my mom wasn’t able to have a private relationship with me, that would definitely cause a big rift in our relationship. Children should always come first, and your partner is definitely out of line.
I don’t see any way in which your fiancé had a reason to react this way. This is truly alarming and you shouldn’t let this go. Your daughter willingly told you both so there’s no reason she should be angry. Even if she didn’t tell her as well, there’s still NO reason for her to be upset. She obviously has some deeper issue going on and can’t see past it.
My daughter’s stepmom does this. Not get mad but she’s told my daughter that there are no secrets in the family. This honestly pisses me off because why aren’t you allowed to have a relationship with your own flesh and blood? Your fiancé just needs to accept that that is your daughter and if she wishes to tell you things in private that that is her right. That relationship is established. Your fiancé seems insecure tbh. Take it from me, my daughter is 13 and does not tell her dad anything personal. In fact, my ex-husband came to me the other day saying he finds it odd that our daughter doesn’t open up to him and his wife whenever they want to talk to her. Gee, I wonder why. Don’t get me wrong, her stepmom isn’t a bad woman. I get along with her. But when a person just doesn’t feel comfortable around someone, you can’t force them to get comfortable. Not saying your daughter doesn’t feel comfortable around your fiancé. But the point is that you have your own relationship with your own child and your fiancé should respect that. Talk to your fiancé and ask her why she felt angry about not being included. I’m willing to bet that she feels threatened or extremely insecure or both.
Why does she think that she has the right to be in the middle of every conversation? It’s controlling and nosey. She’s not entitled to know everything. I wouldn’t be marrying someone who cussed you out for merely wanting to respect their child’s request in having a private conversation. This is coming from a daughter herself that had a stepmom growing up, who meddled and didn’t allow for a good relationship all the time. And I’m telling you now, that my father allowed so much of it that he could never recover or be someone close to me. Because he didn’t put boundaries in place and allowed her to have way too much control. If you don’t want to be kept at arms length from your daughter, I suggest you set things straight with your finance
What on god’s green earth could possibly be so amazing about this woman that you’re okay with her treating you and your daughter this way?
You are not wrong. You are not keeping your secrets from your fiancé. You should not have to tell your fiancé private information about other people. You also should be able to have private conversations with your daughter. That’s ridiculous
Do not marry this one. Your first loyalty should be your daughter and any healthy person is going to realize that being a parent means being willing to keep a child’s confidence. She isn’t a parent, she is a third party adult & should have no expectation that she gets to know your entire relationship with your daughter.
Even if she was the biological mother, this would be a problem. You know who feels threatened at the idea that their kid is having private conversations with the other parent? An abusive parent.
I know it’s a gag to say Reddit always tells you to leave, but you really need to avoid the financial and emotional mistake that this marriage would be if you value your relationship with your kid.
Sorry but your fiancé sounds immature and toxic. It won’t be long until she’s trying to push your daughter out of your life for good.
Run while you can.
Yeah, no, dawg. Nobody says “fuck you” to my kid. Thankfully she acted like trash before you married her.
i honestly don’t even understand what she COULD be mad about. this makes no sense and might make me rethink her mental fitness and would absolutely make me rethink marriage.
Your fiancée is not owed personal information shared by your daughter. No one is owed information that doesn’t even concern them. Your fiance is jealous of the relationship you have with your daughter. I would reconsider marrying that woman. She sounds like she will continue to put a wedge between you and your family.
Big red flag.
My dad is no longer “allowed” to speak to me alone because I told him alone first about my miscarriage and didn’t mention it to my step mom for a few days because we were on a family vacation and it can be a bit of a downer. No one knew I was pregnant before the miscarriage. My dad asked if he could tell his wife or if I wanted to and I said I didn’t care. He thought it would be better if I did so …. Yea. Now we don’t speak very much and if we do talk when he’s alone it quickly ends. Don’t be that guy.
In your fiance’s position, I would have left the room and let you talk to your daughter in private because I’m a normal, sane person.
Dear Lord how can a 48 yo be THAT insecure? She’s screaming your face off because your adult daughter wanted to tell you something in confidence about one of her friends? The secret didn’t even involve you nor your fiancée in the slightest. That’s a glaring red flag…
She’s going to alienate you from your daughter the second you marry her. Demand that you chose between her and your daughter, crap like that.
Do not feel ashamed of this at all!!!!! You having a 20 year old daughter in today’s society willing to call you and share secrets is something not alot of people have. With all due respect if your fiance is this mad she can go shit in a hat.
As a 29 year old female whose dad has chosen to continue dating a woman that pretty much does not allow us (4 kids, I’m the oldest) to have a relationship with him outside of HER.. please don’t marry your fiancée unless you draw a serious boundary and she can respect it (which I don’t anticipate she would, because of the way she’s already acting).
My dad has shattered any chance of a good relationship he had with me and my siblings…. You (thankfully) noticed the red flags here and can course correct before it’s too late…
You mean “ex-fiancée”, right?
She should no longer be your fiancée. End of story.
No, my (33F) father has destroyed our relationship inadvertently by my step mom CONSTANTLY being a third feature on our phone calls.
She hears everything, comments on everything, knows everything.
I used to tell him everything and talk to him a lot especially since my mom died and I live in a different country. I asked him to stop having my step mom involved in all our conversations, but no.
I’ll hear her jump in with a comment and look, I love her. I really do, but sometimes i just want my Dad to know and I want to talk to him alone.
Since he won’t stop, I just don’t talk to him about anything personal anymore.
Don’t let her ruin this relationship with your daughter. Please.