I woke up this morning, surprised to not see my boyfriend in bed with me. I had gone to sleep early before him since he was gaming with a friend of ours, but I had still expected him to eventually come to bed. I got up and walked to the room with our computers, and he’s passed out on his chair, his pants and boxers pulled down to his knees. His wallet is out, with his credit card sitting on top of it. His tablet is perched on the desktop in front of his monitor. It’s laughable how obvious it all looks.
I woke him up and said, “Who or what did you pay for to beat off to?”, which he denied. He also seemed to still be drunk from the night before. I told him I’m not stupid, show me what’s on the tablet, but he just ignored it and said he didn’t pay for anything. He got up, pulled his pants up, plugged his tablet into its charger, and went into the bathroom.
So, I turned his tablet on and saw that he had a few incognito windows still open to live chat rooms. There were a couple chats that were behind a paywall, so either his premium session timed out or he didn’t pay for anything – not sure how the site works.
I took the tablet into the bedroom, took pictures of the different windows that were open, including one that shows his picture in the corner for his profile, and waited. When he got out of the bathroom, neither of us said a thing, and he just took his tablet back and went outside for a smoke.
I asked him how long he had been doing it. “A bit. Not long.”
I asked if he’s continued contact with people he’s met in these rooms. “No.”
Have you done anything with people we know, not just online. “No.
But I can’t trust him. Our sex life has been terrible for the past couple years. We’ve been together for almost 12 years, so I certainly understand it’s not going to be how it started, but it’s barely once a month. I’ve cried over it. I’ve asked him what we can do to fix it. He told me he was bored with it.
So, now I don’t know what to do. I feel stupid. I feel a bit humiliated. I told him it’s cheating, but he doesn’t think it is. This is something I’ve told him I consider cheating.
Sunken cost fallacy aside, I don’t know if it’s worth leaving a decade-long relationship over. I obviously still love him. We just bought a house together. Aside from the sex and intimacy issues (not that those aren’t huge), we are each other’s best friend.
He’s asleep right now. I’m still weighing my options. I can afford to leave. I have a great support system. But I want to consider therapy or counseling. Any advice would be much appreciated.
Edit:
I want to thank everyone for the kind words and sympathies, and all the advice. I took a lot of it to heart and used a lot of what was said in order to voice to him how it’s made me feel.
He feels genuine remorse, and blames being drunk and humiliated as why he had so few words this morning. He pulled up the profile he made and showed me that it was made late last night and there is no purchase history. He admitted to being on camera with another woman and jerking off before passing out.
I have not forgiven him. And I have not yet decided if I’m leaving. I told him the bare minimum is couples counseling, individual counseling for him, and quitting drinking. He signed us up for counseling through Regain minutes after I was done talking. I’ve started looking at apartments close to where I work.
It’s not over. But it’s not good, either. Everything just kind of sucks, so I’m going to have a gummy and watch some Love is Blind and be happy I’m none of those people.
Thanks to everyone again. I didn’t expect such a response. I appreciate all of you.