My boyfriend literally has an evil twin brother, who has physically assaulted many women, and finally got caught by the law in October 2022. His twin was arrested for drunkenly beating up two random women before disappearing into another bar. One of the women has been maimed for life. Before this happened, his twin treated me – his brother’s new girlfriend at the time – like a pariah who didn’t belong in the family. After his arrest, he became even more hostile towards me.
In September 2023, my boyfriend stood up for me at a family dinner (which I did not attend – it was just my boyfriend, his brother, mom, grandmother, and grandfather) at a restaurant. It turned into a screaming match between the brothers in a public setting. They haven’t spoken since.
Now, all of a sudden, my boyfriend’s aunt, uncle, and cousin are visiting our city this weekend. My boyfriend received frantic phone calls from his grandfather on Wednesday inviting us to a brunch. My boyfriend said I would definitely not be going, and that he is uncomfortable around his brother and doesn’t want to go. Later that day, his mother texted him and they got into an argument via text for an hour.
She said things like, “This is yours and throwawayballethey’s family. You both need to be there.”My boyfriend told her that while he isn’t opposed to someday reconciling, he is still waiting for a genuine apology from his brother and does not feel comfortable seeing him at this time. He told his mother that it is too late for me, however, because I refuse to ever be around his brother again. His mom’s eloquent response?
“Oh that how it be, huh?” I wish I was joking, but that’s what she said.
My boyfriend said that he and I will see his family separately from his twin, and she said, “That’s not happening. I am protecting my mental health.” What about \*our\* mental health? My boyfriend repeatedly told her that he felt uncomfortable around his twin.She then guilted him into calling her after work, saying, “I haven’t heard your voice in five months.” The phone goes both ways, and the few times my boyfriend has called his mother, she’s barely wanted to talk for more than ten minutes before telling him she’s tired.
He called her that night and she laid on a heavy guilt trip, saying the grandparents are not going to be around forever and they want the brothers to reconcile. My boyfriend told her he’s not ready to do that and he deserves a heartfelt apology. He said it’s not right how the family has always treated his twin better, and his twin’s girlfriends better, than his. Their grandpa would allow the evil twin’s girlfriends to attend every event, and would pay for them, but he never would for my boyfriend’s partners (myself included). In fact, I was uninvited from every brunch, and the last time we had dinner with his grandpa alone, he asked us to split it. We don’t mind paying for ourselves but it’s the principle of the matter. All his mother could say? “You and your brother are different people.”
She went on to say that his twin has a girlfriend now and hasn’t been arrested again and is doing well. She said my boyfriend’s friend revealed to his twin that I had told my friends at our NYE party about his arrest, and how I felt unsafe around him and didn’t invite him to the party because I didn’t want to put my female friends in danger. My boyfriend’s mother was furious about this and said we shouldn’t be “airing his business.”
My opinion on this whole brunch situation is that the aunt, uncle, and cousin have no idea about evil twin’s arrest, and the mom and grandparents want to keep up appearances. They know that questions will be asked if my boyfriend and I don’t show up to a family event when they visit town.
My boyfriend’s grandma called him tonight to tell him he’s “breaking up the family” by refusing to attend the brunch. She said that both she and his grandfather won’t be around forever. He reminded her that they can make memories together away from his twin, and he isn’t “breaking up the family.”
How do we navigate this without allowing them to keep pushing our boundaries?
TL;DR: My boyfriend and I have put up boundaries around his violent, abusive twin brother, and now their mom and grandparents are pressuring my boyfriend despite him saying he’s very uncomfortable with the idea of being around his twin right now. How do we navigate this?