Early this morning I(f20) was waiting outside a building. I had an appointment to get a piercing, but I got there too early and they weren’t open yet. There was no one around except for me and a guy(30’s).
The guy was staring at me and it was making me really uncomfortable. After about 5 minutes of waiting, the guy came up to me and asked for my number. I told him I had a boyfriend, but he was very persistent and I was starting to get scared. I gave in and gave him my number, but I changed the last digit just in case he tried to call it in front of me, which he did end up doing.
I said “Oops, the last digit is a 2, not a 1” and he fixed it. He called it and it worked. After getting my number, he told me he would call me in an hour and then he left. I was actually really scared. I didn’t know what I was supposed to do in that situation since no one was around.
Anyways, he did end up calling quite a few times. I told my mom after it happened and she understood, but she told me to change my number.
When my boyfriend(21) found out, he didn’t care that I was scared and alone when it happened. He got really mad and said that if I don’t want to be with him then I should just break up with him. He said “Yeah, I guess you probably give your number out all the time” and then hung up on me. He hasn’t called or texted me at all today.
Is this a red flag or did I actually do something wrong? I genuinely didn’t know what to do in that situation.
39 comments
You done nothing wrong, what were you supposed to do, he’s jealous good luck dealing with that
It’s a red flag on your boyfriend. Youre in an uncomfortable situation and going into survival mode just to get away–something women deal with far more than we should–and when you presumably tell him that, his reaction is to get jealous? He got jealous of you describing a scary situation to him…Who does that?
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Also, can you just block the weirdo’s number instead of going through the hassle of changing yours?
You did the best you could in a scary situation. Instead of showing you empathy and care, your boyfriend played the role of the second selfish prick you had to deal with that day. Sorry you had to endure that. Your bf wasn’t there, you had to think fast, you in no way wronged him. I don’t have better advice for how you should’ve handled the guy at the piercing place, but maybe you don’t need to change your number. I would let the store manager know about the situation though and make sure you bring a friend next time you go. If that guy is around there often, he’s probably harassing other people too.
Maybe he doesn’t understand the nuance of the situation. You didn’t just give a stranger your number you did what it took to safely extricate yourself from a potentially dangerous situation. If your boyfriend can’t understand that he might be stupid or overly jealous. Neither are going to be fun going forward. Reiterate the danger you felt and that the only reason you gave in was safety. If he can’t understand that he’s fucked a little in the head.
There are four possible responses humans do in scary situations. Fight and flight are the most well known. There is also “freeze” which effectively means “playing dead and hoping the scary thing goes away”. “Fawn” is the last one and it is basically when you try to appease the threat so they don’t harm you.
You did “fawn” in this situation and you survived. (Woohoo survival instincts!) Fight wouldn’t be appropriate since you are probably much smaller than him. Flight might not work. Freeze doesn’t even make sense. Your brain chose fawn. My brain would’ve chosen fawn, too. Isn’t it interesting how we have these instincts to keep ourselves safe? Don’t stop trusting your gut in these types of situations – your ability to survive is programmed into your DNA.
It may look like you were being promiscuous from your boyfriend’s perspective but thats because hes too busy getting caught up in his own insecurity to actually empathize with the fact that we live in a world with scary men.
I’m sorry you were in that situation and I’m sorry your boyfriend isn’t man enough to support and love his girlfriend after she went through something bad.
Intent matters, you weren’t being shady and his reaction shows a lack of regard for both your feelings and your safety. He’s definitely showing insecurity and instead of validating and reassuring you he’s making it about him and having a little tantrum.
I resonated with this because I had this exact thing happen to me. I was sitting at a booth in the corner of a mall food court by myself and he sat right next to me (basically cornering me). When I gave him my number he called me to make sure it was right and I was terrified. Also he smelled really bad like 5 dead animals rolled in one. After he was gone and I left the mall I blocked him immediately
I didn’t have a bf at the time but if my bf started getting mad at ME for that I’d be so pissed off… Like it would be unacceptable. He’s making it about him and what he THINKS your intentions were. This is not okay and so immature, just red flags everywhere. You reluctantly gave him your number because you were alone with a stranger that you didn’t trust. If he hears that and immediately twists it to make you the evildoer then it’s abundantly clear that he has problems
I hate hearing these types of stories (especially from my partner) because of how often they end up with the victim either dead, hurt, and/or blamed for it. When my partner tells me about experiences like this I don’t blank her for it and get mad at her. I support and give her love and reassurance like a normal, healthy, loving partner should.
You did what you had to do to survive and get home safe. You did nothing wrong and your boyfriend (who definitely acts like a boy in this case) is a naive immature fool that is misdirecting his anger from the would-be assailant to you the victim.
I would drop this idiot and find a real mature partner that knows how the world works and understands that sometimes you have to do what you got to do to live and go home. I’m sorry you went through this and I would suggest some trauma counseling rely on your support network that would understand what you did and support you through your trauma. Good luck.
Show him all these replies from other women confirming how scary it can be when you don’t give a strange man the attention he wants. Theres no way for us to know how far a creepy dude will escalate if you tell him to go away. I’ve had guys follow me or use their cars to cut me off on my bicycle just to make me talk to them. Your bf probably has never had an experience like that before, so show him what other women here are saying. Best of luck 💜
Women are attacked or killed for simply rejecting advances that start as simple as this. I, luckily, have remained harm free but have also been in the position of having to give a guy my number and he called it right away (while leaning into the window of the car I was sitting in) to make sure it was right. It is incredibly uncomfortable and intimidating and I wasn’t even alone when it happened.
OP, you didn’t do anything wrong. I feel like your boyfriend’s reaction is insensitive and immature. His reaction is ridiculous and reeks of insecurity and jealousy.
Show him the news articles of women murdered for refusing to give their numbers and then tell him to get over himself and be a supportive partner instead of an irrationally jealous one.
not to scare you or anything but you might want to change your number just in case because you can literally find a lot about people with their number online for just a dollar.
both men in this story are assholes. The stranger was deliberately doing that so you couldn’t get away from him. Dudes calling your number in front of you to “check you arent lying” is a scary red flag in and of itself. But you already knew this.
Your boyfriend not understanding this, and actively refusing to not just not understand how scary it is to be a women with physically dangerous crreps like the stranger inyour story – but PUNISHING YOU for it??!!
Is insane. Let him deal with his ridiculous insecurity about making a scary situation for you about himself – alone. This is not his place to be ‘hurt’ & ‘comforted’. He is being a selfish controlling & punishing asshole. If he doesn’t apologise on his own behalf asap and grovel in apology & check that you actually are okay – I would be blocking two numbers.
Your bf sounds like the kind of guy who would accuse you of cheating if you were ever SA’d. Let him stay gone.
When you told your bf, did you tell him that you purposely gave the wrong number, and then the guy called right there to check it?
If I see someone suspicious or a drunk guy and I’m alone, I usually pretend to be on the phone and slowly walk away to stand somewhere close to a store or something. If they approach with violence you can then break the store window or door and trigger the alarm. If this isn’t possible, I call someone until they answer. Usually human instinct is that something is wrong if they pick up in the middle of the night and you begin the conversation by saying “Hey what’s up” instead of “sorry for waking you up”. And the person following you will most likely leave you be. I live in Sweden, I got an app called sos alarm that with the push of a button makes an emergency call and sends them your location, you don’t even need to talk with them so you can just have the phone in your hand. I highly recommend getting an app that can do this.
You did nothing wrong, your boyfriend is an idiot, simple
Oh child. The next time a man is acting like that look him strait in the eye and tell him to fuck off.
Men are afraid of direct women. The minute you act aggressive they will back off. Men like that look for fear.
I know that some men won’t take a hint but most will.
I am a 48 year old attractive woman who used to work at a strip bar. It works. I have had YEARS of practice.
OP, sorry this happened to you. Maybe for future events, try downloading Google voice and you can get a Google number. It’s great to use for situations like this! Also your bf is not being a good bf, he should’ve been more compassionate and comforted you. please change your current number for your safety too.
Wishing you the best. X.x
Seems like he cares more about owning you than he does about your safety.
This happens too much to us girls smh. If he doesn’t care about your emotions then let him go girl.
I guarantee you that this won’t be the last time a guy will stop you and ask for your number or something like that.
I’m gonna be harsh. Men have zero excuse at this point to not understand what women go through on a daily basis. It’s everywhere. If he doesn’t understand, he’s either not paying attention, or doesn’t care. I’m so sick and tired of babying men and begging them to understand how scary my life can get, only for them to be clueless or cry “misandry” when it gets pointed out.
Stop handing him with baby gloves. He said you should break up with him? Take him up on the offer.
I read (on Reddit somewhere) that’s there’s app just for these occasions. You give them the number, they call it, your phone rings, but it’s not really your number. Like a fake number app. This way he thinks he has your number, you get away and then block his ass.
Someone who knows more can probably help you out.
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Your boyfriend took a scary situation for you and made it about him.
To me this screams self centred and if he continues with or has previously displayed similar behaviour and is unwilling to see reason get out of this relationship before you end up stuck (like I did!)
I wish you all the best OP and sorry you had to deal with that creep!
Your BF is full of red flags. Break up with him because you deserve better. Anyone who reacts like you did something wrong when you were trying to stay safe isn’t someone you want or need in your life.
your boyfriend is being a dickhead
Get a new number, and don’t tell your (ex)boyfriend what the new one is.
I bet this was scary. Especially that he confirmed you gave him the right number. Men can’t understand the fear of aggressive men.
Your boyfriend cares more about his insecurities than he does your safety. Take that as all you need to know, and don’t wait for him to call you or text you. Consider this a breakup and don’t talk to him anymore. He can be alone if he’s so possessive that he’d rather you be assaulted, than be called by a number you could block.
How negative he is reacting… he really doesn’t understand what happened.
And even if you weren’t scared. It’s reasonable to do it just because he was being annoying. Get them to leave you alone then you could block them
He doesn’t know how annoying / scary men can be
He’s extremely selfish and only cares for himself you did absolutely nothing wrong he should be supporting you in this situation.
Huge red flag. Your boyfriend doesn’t give a fuck you were scared by an intimidating guy into giving out your info. Just keep it in mind if you stay.
If I was your boyfriend, I’d say, “All right, tell him, you are bored of me and figure out a date with him to meet up.” I’d be there, smacking him just 4 bothering and intimidating my girlfriend… If he fought back, it would become a real brawl. Period. If your boyfriend does not understand this shit, he lacks some marbles.
>When my boyfriend(21) found out, he didn’t care that I was scared and alone when it happened. He got really mad and said that if I don’t want to be with him then I should just break up with him. He said “Yeah, I guess you probably give your number out all the time” and then hung up on me. He hasn’t called or texted me at all today.
Is this a red flag or did I actually do something wrong? I genuinely didn’t know what to do in that situation.
No – I think you did the right thing; as you’ve seen, people like this are now wise to women giving them a fake number, and if you’d done that then who knows what the consequences could have been? You were alone, scared, with a bloke who didn’t stop when you told him you had a boyfriend – what *else* were you supposed to do?
Someone needs to give your boyfriend’s head a wobble. Can you really trust him to have your back in future situations like this, or is he just going to accuse you of being unfaithful instead?
His lack of empathy absolutely is a red flag. You were frightened and protecting yourself, you did nothing wrong.
Your bf is trash. And yes this one instance is enough to outweigh whatever positive traits he may have. That’s not how you respond in that situation.
You did the right thing, and your boyfriend is an arsehole.
Also, if this happened to my daughter I’d be fucking praying he rang her phone, cos I’d “borrow” hers for a few days and he could talk to me for a bit.
The Tw@ would be having a very different conversation than the one he thought he’d be having.
Take care OP. Stay safe. X
Old cis white guy here and tell your boyfriend I said grow the heck up. If he can’t back you up when you are clearly scared then he can pound sand. You deserve better and if the creep calls again police.
I have had people pull over and get out of their cars just to harass me and friends, follow us for blocks and not leaving us alone. If he doesn’t understand than he is entitled and needs a reality check