UPDATE: he replied this morning and said that we’ve obviously both made mistakes and have grown apart. He’s sad about where we are at, but he doesn’t see a way forwards that doesn’t involve divorce. So, I guess I don’t need any advice or words after all.
Husband and wife, I’m the wife, we’ve been married 14 years.
Our communication is poor at best. We haven’t had sex in 2 years. There is really no physical touching intimate or otherwise. We don’t say I love you, though I’d believed it’s just implied. We do things for each other, we joke around, we enjoy each other’s company. I’ve made little comments about him leaving me, seeking some type of denial or confirmation and he turns it around to me leaving not him. When we first started having problems he wasn’t very comminicative, and I would overcompensate by trying to force the conversation. I stopped doing that, and figured when he was ready to talk or had something to say he would.
Our relationship has weighed on me heavily the last few years. But I (probably unwisely) felt like the ball was in his court. I don’t think we’ve had any real honest conversations about our relationship in a long time. 2 nights ago he made a passing comment that basically was along the lines of fear keeping him from acting on things. And something snapped in me. Because maybe that comment wasn’t about us, but the not saying anything has just gone too long. After he fell asleep I just wrote out what was on my mind and eating at me. The message was basically that I didn’t know how to make him feel loved and I was unsure of what he wanted from me. That I didn’t initiate sex because he had said I was physically unattractive a few years ago and even though he’s made jokes/comments about getting head/sex I couldn’t decipher if that was because he wanted that or it was just a joke. I said I felt like he just didn’t want me to touch him ever, so I don’t. That as much as I want to hug him or say that I love him I don’t…because I don’t want to put him in the position to say or do things if he doesn’t want to. I said that I didn’t know if he loved me romantically, and let him know that I did love him. I let him know that I didn’t know his perspective, and he could possibly say the same things about me. I apologized for my mistakes and told him if I could change things about who I previously was, I would and that it was something I would always regret.
I didn’t think I could say this all to his face, so I waited until he got home from work and sent it to him. An hour and a half after I sent it, he replied and said he wasn’t going to reply tonight as he needed time to digest everything.
I was prepared for a lot of different scenarios but not this one. Though I shouldn’t be surprised. In the past he’s said he was going to reply to something big and hasn’t. And I feel…horrible. hopeless. Completely exposed. I just feel absolutely sick. It took me so much courage to say what I did, but now I’m left wounded and lost. We both took showers after that and went about our usual nightly routine. He was nice and kind, and honestly acted in a relatively good mood and tried to make things as normal as possible. I was definitely much more reserved and quiet because I had hoped I’d be out of limbo but feel more firmly planted there. He fell asleep on the couch and didn’t come back to bed, and then the morning routine was basically the usual.
I feel like these are all bad signs. I’m just completely shattered and I don’t know how to go about life today. I don’t know what to think, I have no one to talk to about this, I don’t know if I’m moments away from my marriage ending or moments away from finding out it’s salvageable.
Anyone been in a similar spot? If anyone wants to send some food vibes my way I would appreciate them.