The title keeps removing so I went a dramatic route, here it is:
TL;DR!-Hey I (23F) just had a conflict with my bf (M25) and I want to hear your thoughts. I just needed to vent and see what you all suggest.
This conflict started with me bringing up going to school (I’m a sales rep.) and my job will cover my full tuition to certain colleges, i make average income (50/60k annually) i will be paying his rent as I stay with him right now, and helping with all his bills as well as mine.
I’ve always wanted to go to college but my mom couldn’t afford it so I’ve worked so many places and finally found a job with great benefits, the main one being full tuition assistance for College. And it would be accelerated classes. I told my boyfriend my dream many times and everytime I bring up that I was to enroll he doesn’t specifically tell me no but his responses are always, why can’t you do it 2025? Or I don’t think you should do that right now, if you do.. do it at x date.
This has happened when I told him I was to knit scarves, hats, or whatever for extra cash, and he’s like; “I don’t think you should worry about this right now just focus on your work, I don’t agree, you’re not thinking about how much you have to pay for this year, you should focus on going back full time not these other things.” I took a part-time position cause it affected my health and was time consuming for the basic pay. I just feel like…how am I NOT thinking about our future when on these days off I could whip out scarfs and sell it for 100/150 each. How am I not thinking about our when I want to expand my education and get a position that pays me what I know I’m worth based on my work experiences.
It’s not his intention to bring me down and it still does, it feels like he throws these what ifs, or do you really think that’s a good idea and when I say yes it’s a response that’s like; “well I don’t agree.” Or “that’s a stupid idea”
I told him this and he’s like “You know that’s not my intentions”
Like okay it’s not your intentions yet you say that to me in response to my goals. I had to tell him when we started dating these are plans I had in mind and communicated I’m not gonna allow a relationship to settle my goals.
He just recently graduated and is working a a great company that is commission only and he has to give 100% towards a job that is paying him nothing until he gets his sale (which could be 6months, 1 year, or worse case 2 )
He feels like he’s not “being a man” because he can’t provide right now and I told him to give his full attention to this job and not worry about finances cause I’m willing to help him in this season. Now last year when I lived alone I was struggling with PTSD (didn’t know it at the time I’m African and mental health wasn’t discussed and it Is shamed in my family ) and Chronic depression and had to be checked into a psychiatric care for a month. My boyfriend cleaned my apartment, car, saw me every day for visiting hours. I love him so much because he supported me at my lowest and I want to do this for him.
For context about his job:
He’s working for Marcus and Millichap : it’s the #1 commercial real estate investment sales brokerage in North America and it’s a hard start, some people make their first deal in 6-8 months and some make it after a year, when you make money you make GOOD money it’s just a grind for him right now because I know he’s capable of it. For now his focus is on his state and federal real estate licensing. He’s not gonna take 2 years but I like to plan for the what if’s because I don’t want him to give up because he’s stressed about our income, and I know he’s more than capable of doing this.
I’m not trying to villainize him because it’s not me vs him, it’s us vs the problem. Could this be because of stress or a “Power Imbalance”?