Speaking from the viewpoint of a 30’s cis male who’s looking to date 30’s cis women:
Everyone on reddit loves to hate on the online dating apps, and they suck for most of us, but not for the reason you think. It’s not a “you must be this hot to ride” thing. I’m pretty average looking, average build, average height, average job, but my profile does a lot of heavy lifting. I have a big, natural smile in cool places, and brief, whimsical prompts. For whatever reason, I get plenty of matches on Hinge/Bumble and can convert most into dates. I don’t do much flirting or banter, I just ask goofy questions ask about their profile for a day or two and then propose a low stakes date.
But in person I’m not very captivating to talk to. I definitely emit a nervous energy, bad posture, mild stutter, issues with eye contact, too serious and not very playful or fun to be be around. (I’m working on this, therapy, meditation, etc) But far too often, within the first 15 seconds of meeting my date, they can instantly tell I’m a little “off” and I can see the look of disappointment in their eyes. Out of politeness, we’ll continue with the date over some casual conversation for an hour, then they always have to split not long after.
So my advice is to avoid the apps if you are nondivergent or a bit weird, because if you are like me, your online and offline personalities are VERY different. These apps are so damn enticing to us shy guys because we can avoid those scary in-person introductions.
In a complete reversal of what you might expect from a shy, anxious, homebody, we awkward introverts MUST go out and meet people the old-fashioned way: in person. You’ve heard it all before: meetup groups or clubs for your favorite hobbies or media, volunteering, dog parks, etc. Find someone who doesn’t mind or likes your eccentricities BEFORE you ask them out. Dating apps are the opposite, you have a date first, then you find out they aren’t for you. I’m sure dating apps are great if you have a magnetic, social personality, but they just aren’t for people with middling dating/social skills.
My advice is to find that other, similar oddball, who vibes with your IN-PERSON quirks or mannerisms OFFLINE first, then ask them out. Yes, if you have low social capability, this will be a struggle too, because dating is hard, lots of rejections, etc, but I think it will save a lot of grief in the long run.