How to introduce my boyfriend to my conservative family, if I already know they won’t approve him? I really need some advice

7 comments

1. Thankfully, they (reluctantly) know you’ve an american boyfriend already. You two stopping by some lunchtime for cookies and milk might be one approach — avoiding your father, as hopefully your mother may (or may not be ) the easier one to deal with.

2. I have to ask, are they conservative or mildly racist and highly prejudiced? Because that really is big difference on how to go about it. If they are just conservative, they may fuss about tattoos and hair, but they’ll get over it so long as you make it clear you’re on his side no matter what. If they are mildly racist and prejudice you’ll need to brace yourself for some backlash afterwards and not the meeting itself. In case number 2, they’ll probably force you to chose us vs him as toxic families often do. In either case, be polite, ask him to be polite. Shut down any crap the moment it arises and redirect the conversation.

3. I don’t know that you will get them to like your bf but maybe he can earn their respect. If he’s honest, straight forward and respectful, if he projects confidence and pride in himself, if he refuses to apologize or justify his life while refraining from being baited or taking offense, they might be willing to take him seriously. What’s there biggest prejudice against Americans? That we’re lazy?undisciplined? Unserious? Immoral? Weak? Think of examples of how he’s not any of those things and be ready to work those examples in to answers when they question him.

   For example, when he talks about being a musician, focus on the business aspect… few people understand that being an independent artist means running your own business. You have to plan and budget and hustle. You have to manage your money and market yourself, improve your craft and develop new opportunities and revenue streams. I’m sure as a successful musician, he has dozens of stories that emphasize what hard worker and shrewd negotiator he is.

   Above all, project confidence in your relationship (not defensiveness) and proceed with the (unspoken) attitude that while you would appreciate their blessing, you do not require their permission.

4. You need to warn both your parents and your boyfriend about each other now before they see each other. Give them some time to prepare and manage their expectations of each other, because it sounds like it could go wrong pretty easily.

   In the end, though, it’s about your relationship with your parents. Can they trust your judgement? While you may not be able to convince them to accept your bf right away, can you get them to at least back off some, by explaining what you’ve said here?

   Your best chances of persuading them is to understand their perspectives as fully as possible. That you love him, for example, isn’t going to be enough of a reason for them. That he makes more money, has a more stable life/career might, and that his appearance may be jarring to them, but it’s just appearance and what’s underneath that may be most important.

   With your bf, warn him that your parents will not easily accept him, and to set his own expectations low from the start.

   Either way, set your own expectations low. It’s not about this one visit, but a series of visits over time, so don’t put too much pressure on you or anyone else on how this will go. It sounds like it will take time to build trust, so *be patient* and don’t try to force them to like each other right away. That would be a mistake.

   Take it slow, and let them see over time (i.e. years) how you two grow together and how he treats you well. That will be the main measure of how they see him. Does he treat you well? Can he provide for a future family? Etc.

   Again, be patient, don’t force anything, let this be a low stakes low contact meeting for now. And again, tell them beforehand what to expect. You want everyone to have time to prepare for what’s coming. Surprises aren’t good.

   Good luck!

5. First thing is first. Tell him to his face that you think they’ll reject him because they are exceedingly conservative. Remind him that their reaction is in no way a reflection of your belief. If he gets blindsided by the scorn, it will affect your relationship significantly more.

   Secondly, tell them about them. Show them a picture, or something. Make them aware beforehand. If it seems like there is hope for civility, proceed. If it doesn’t, make sure they never meet. If there is no hope for cohesion between your family and bf, understand that you might have to choose between familial approve and love. Think carefully about what you value more.

6. it can take a long time for them to come around.

   Some things that may help are dressing him for success; projecting the edited version of his appearance they are most likely to find acceptable. Hair in a tidy ponytail, a buttoned shirt, neatly put together. Depending on culture, perhaps minimising jewelry.

   Taking care with tone and language also can help buy time until they can get to know how kind he is. If they hear educated language in tones that reflect class and education, they may be more comfortable.

   If he has a car, make sure it is clean and tidy. He may not be driving them in it, but they will look, and they will judge. Maybe not the brand, but if there are marks of lack of care, it will be noted.

   The tattoos may be the hardest detail to gloss over. If they are forward and impossible to hide, or if he chooses not to cover them, particularly if their subject matter could be considered contentious, talk with your partner about how he would prefer you prepare them for the idea.

   It can take decades for a family to come around to an “unsuitable” partner even when that person is perfect. You are being compassionate to all of them by trying to pave the introduction gently. Remember to take time to yourself, too, being in the middle is hard work.

7. You need to speak to your partner about this and decide together how you will proceed. Let him know you are on his side and that you love him for who he is.

   I’m not suggesting you ask him to change for you but if he’s willing to meet them, make sure he puts his best foot forward, whatever that may be. In other worlds, prepare him for your parents expectations. If it’s important to your parents that he’s dressed well, tattoos and a pony tail don’t prevent that. Make sure he understands expectations like this. I’m not suggesting you nag him and tell him what to do, what to wear, how to act. I’m just saying that it’s important to make sure he understands the expectations they may have so you can give him the opportunity to make a decision on what he does with those expectations. Again, not changing him or dictating what he wears, just being truthful about what he should expect and what your parents will be expecting of him.

   If your parents react so poorly to him that you don’t think they will come around, you’re going to have some decisions to make. I won’t try to tell you which decision is right or wrong but I’d suggest that you make your choice quickly. If your parents are more important and you won’t ever be happy with someone they won’t accept, end it. And if he’s more important? Make that clear to your parents from day 1 and never budge on that.