My (M24) partner and I (F27) have been together coming up on 3 years. I found my best friend, the person I want to face life with.
A year into our relationship he told me he wanted to propose, he was still in uni so I said he didn’t need to do that, but if that’s what he wanted I was all in. So he proposed and I accepted. Over the next year and the year previously we built an image of a life together. And I bought into that life a lot. It became my goal in life. Building a house, a place for friends to come round, to host, be social, to go on adventures together on our motorcycles, eventually start a family. This was everything to me and it was to him for a long time.
He’s always struggled with his mental health and we believe he has some pretty hard core ADHD undiagnosed. So there have been tough times in our relationship and there ways will be, I struggle too. He started therapy a week ago for context EMDR so he’s working on it.
He’s always struggled with existential crisis and things like that, what is the point in life, why am I here ect? But a really big one started brewing about November time (possibly brought on by impending wedding in May this year). It was all brought to a head in January, when he met someone he felt an instant connection with.
We had a lot of long talks all of which he admitted he felt he had the capacity to love more than one person, he felt evil for it, he struggled a lot with these new things he felt he was discovering. Now I am monogamous so this to me hurt a lot. However, all feelings are valid and if he is discovering himself I will always do my best to support him, I don’t believe in just throwing in the towel.
We had a conversation and I agree he could have time to explore this new feeling. Unfortunately for whatever reason it all fell through and she decided she wanted nothing to do with him (probably because he was engaged to me as the feeling between them were mutual). That was incredibly tough for him and if I am honest I became broken through the process. I felt like the life I had envisioned was ripped away from me, my trust was broken, I felt used, forgotten etc. None of this was his intent and he is aware of the pain this has all caused and feels terrible about it. However, he still feels incredibly discontent in life.
He’s in his final year of uni next year and because he’s been engaged to me in some ways feels he has missed the freedom of exploration and youth that come with uni. And I don’t mean partying and sleeping around. But the freedom to do what he wants explore all connections and possibilities without the worry of someone back home me. And I completely and entirely understand that. So he is currently torn. He says he loves me with all his heart. He can’t imagine growing old and growing up with anyone else. He wants the life we built together but not right now. He doesn’t know what he wants right now but wants the freedom to explore and be him. I support that but I can’t support the freedom to fully explore all deep connections with people outside of the platonic love. I tried and it broke me I cannot do, I don’t know what that makes me, if it makes me selfish or unkind or possessive. But I’ve tried to support him in everything he’s ever done but this seems to be my line.
So we’re stuck. We both love each other very very dearly. I want this marriage and this life and I want to fight for what we have and for both our personal growth but together. But I’m aware that is selfish. He wants me and loves me, but is confused what he wants from life and I think is hoping that we can stay together because he still gets the freedom he desires knowing I always be there and love him and he will love me to. But I can’t do that.
Is this a phase? Is it panic before the wedding that a lot of people face? Or do I need to let him go? He is adamant he doesn’t want that, he does not want to lose me and if I put my foot down and said we get married and we work on us then he’d do it. But I feel he’d regret either choice he makes. Go to be free and realise what he’s done, or get married and resent never getting to be free.
A lot of money has gone into this as it’s a wedding abroad and I’m trying not to think about it, but it’s also a consideration. Is it worth fighting for? I can’t imagine my life with anyone else. He’s my best friends we’ve done so much together. He says the same of, I’ve asked him so many time if he is happy with our relationship outside the bubble of him dilemma. I’ve given him so many opportunities to activately back out of the marriage or tell me what I’ve done wrong. He insists that I’ve done nothing wrong, this is all his fault and feels incredibly guilty any of this ever came to light.
What do I do? Do I fight? Or do I let us go against both of our wishes?
I’m sure I’ve left out specifics and details, feel free to ask questions. I’m finding it hard to make level headed decisions as much as I’m trying to step back.