There really is no point to this post. Im just sharing my experience.
So as the title says, I’m 36. I’ll be 37 in 2 months. I’ve never had a girlfriend or sex. There were a few girls who liked me in high-school but they weren’t my type physically. They were nice but I didn’t find them attractive.
High-school was terrible for me. I had my first nervous breakdown in the summer between 10th and 11th grade and years later was diagnosed with ocd. My obsession was sexual in nature and probably contributed to alot of my problems with socializing and having confidence.
I often would try to talk to girls but would come off as Creepy and wierd because I was so awkward with no social skills, which was emotionally very painful because my intention was to come off as the exact opposite if that and for her to like me.
I went through alot of deep frustration at the fact that I couldn’t get a girlfriend meanwhile everyone else in the world could easily meet someone. I felt defective. I was very angry but I never took that anger out on anyone. I was just angry at my situation. Even when I would get some sort of attention from a girl it was just embarrassing.
I remember one time I went to a bar and a coworker brought a friend of his. I had never seen this girl in my life. She wasn’t exactly my type but she wasn’t really unattractive. We start talking and things are going good. She starts dancing and wants me to dance with her. Mind you, this is the first time I’ve ever had any kind of skin to skin contact with a girl. She starts grinding on me and I’m so overwhelmed with sensation that I just stand there frozen, almost in shock. I was so aroused and intimidated at the same time I just stood there with my eyes closed. She even made a comment about how I looked like a terrified little boy (even though I was 24 at the time). Then I felt this strong suddenly released of tension in my body, this sudden relaxation because it felt so good to feel a girls body on mine that I started thanking her and I knew I looked the biggest fucking weirdo on the planet when I did that but its all I could do. All she did was press herself against me and that alone almost gave me an orgasm.
I’m almost a middle aged man and I worry if I’ll ever meet a woman. I used to pray for a girlfriend. But it’s like iit just won’t happen.